I am the people.
hm. livejournal. why oh why? honestly. I need to. But I dont want to be the typical writing in the livejournal thing where it's boring or depressing. I just need to write stuff down.. get some feelings out. It's funny how real feelings become once they have been written down. Funny or not it's true. Writing for me is such a good thing to do too and I dont do it nearly enough.
I feel unfulfilled. I feel scared. I feel like I haven't lived enough. I dont even feel overall happy with myself. I feel torn between friends. I feel like I dont know who I want to be anymore. I'm caught. I go crazy and get yelled at. I stay calm and I feel unlike myself; I feel nervous and uncomfortable.
I miss being close with people. I miss having time to hang out with people and do things that I enjoy with people I love. But I also hate the distance that keeps me from some people. The distance and work schedules are trapping me. But really, I need to find a routine here. I need to find people to spend time with. My biggest struggle is hanging out with people I trust and dont trust. That puts me in a tough situation cuz I dont know who to be in front of this crowd. I hate that.
I hate negative history too. I had the judgments when I've changed, or two people have changed. I get defensive and defensive means feisty. I feel like I get picked on so I crack the whip hard core and become this person who isn't as well liked. I know what I'm working with but honestly being defensive is being scared. I wish people saw that.
I feel unfulfilled. I feel scared. I feel like I haven't lived enough. I dont even feel overall happy with myself. I feel torn between friends. I feel like I dont know who I want to be anymore. I'm caught. I go crazy and get yelled at. I stay calm and I feel unlike myself; I feel nervous and uncomfortable.
I miss being close with people. I miss having time to hang out with people and do things that I enjoy with people I love. But I also hate the distance that keeps me from some people. The distance and work schedules are trapping me. But really, I need to find a routine here. I need to find people to spend time with. My biggest struggle is hanging out with people I trust and dont trust. That puts me in a tough situation cuz I dont know who to be in front of this crowd. I hate that.
I hate negative history too. I had the judgments when I've changed, or two people have changed. I get defensive and defensive means feisty. I feel like I get picked on so I crack the whip hard core and become this person who isn't as well liked. I know what I'm working with but honestly being defensive is being scared. I wish people saw that.