Observations. A true confession.
Walking to work today I realized the great extent to which environment & the people you care about affects you - a la "the abused become abusers" and the adoption of complexes etc. It's well known in children, because they're psychologically very impressionable, and I know we have to treat children much better than we do (we being humans in general) but I realized that it goes much farther than that. I always knew that the people I care about & spend the most time with affect me, for instance my friend Ricky in high school imposed on me his sense of humor & making fun of people in a lighthearted way, and being with G gave me more complexes than I can count, i went from being so non-serious about things to being scared of cracking jokes for fear of hurting peoples feelings (damn him!) But the one I didn't realize until just now shocked me. One of my current best friends not only turned me into an alcoholic genius & a callous jerk (lol he even admitted that one yesterday - although I'm not TRULY a jerk, I promise) but managed to give me a terrible self-questioning complex - that's not quite the right term. Through college I've learned not to really give a shit what other people think, and not to take life seriously, but I realized last nite that I fail in one particular area - and it's not entirely that friend's fault (and i still love him like crazy despite our past faults) since I can trace it back to the last year or so with G, when he'd criticize me about everything.
It became apparent last nite that I'm terrified of people thinking i'm stupid (this doesn't enter the realm of strangers - that's where i just don't give a crap). I asked my roommate to show me how to set up the food processor cause I'm just ridiculous at things like that, the anxiety was only miniscule at that point. But then when I went to do the second batch I couldn't get the fucking top to lock on and I was literally terrified to ask for help again. It sounds really petty and stupid and it's really hard to explain, it's like if you've ever been under a ton of pressure to get something to work, and if you don't you're completely screwed, and you've tried everything and you start to freak out that you're going to fail completely and your life will be miserable. If you've ever had that feeling. I assume it's something in the realms of a mild panic attack. So anyway, the point is I am terrified of being looked down on, or moreover being laughed at, whether outwardly or not. And the general truth that i came to realize is if you laugh at the expense of someone that cares about you & call them stupid enough, sooner or later they believe it...or at least expect everyone to do the same. I'm sure there's some sort of psychological name for the whole ordeal. When you've already lacked trust in everyone for four years, it's much easier for people to cause more damage. I think everyone is emotionally weak in some way or another. And we're all terrible to each other without actually meaning to be, or realizing it.
So I think people just need to learn to show a little bit more compassion now & then, and be more gentle, especially to the people that we take for granted. Otherwise we're fucked. Because people aren't as strong as they seem, the most damaged people just hide it well. I'm going to try my best to remember this. It's a habit everyone stand to adopt. Use a new word every day and sooner or later it becomes part of your daily vocabulary.
That being said I have to say that I am ecstatic today. No reason, I'm just in love with the world. So don't think this was a negative mindset. It's not at all.
It became apparent last nite that I'm terrified of people thinking i'm stupid (this doesn't enter the realm of strangers - that's where i just don't give a crap). I asked my roommate to show me how to set up the food processor cause I'm just ridiculous at things like that, the anxiety was only miniscule at that point. But then when I went to do the second batch I couldn't get the fucking top to lock on and I was literally terrified to ask for help again. It sounds really petty and stupid and it's really hard to explain, it's like if you've ever been under a ton of pressure to get something to work, and if you don't you're completely screwed, and you've tried everything and you start to freak out that you're going to fail completely and your life will be miserable. If you've ever had that feeling. I assume it's something in the realms of a mild panic attack. So anyway, the point is I am terrified of being looked down on, or moreover being laughed at, whether outwardly or not. And the general truth that i came to realize is if you laugh at the expense of someone that cares about you & call them stupid enough, sooner or later they believe it...or at least expect everyone to do the same. I'm sure there's some sort of psychological name for the whole ordeal. When you've already lacked trust in everyone for four years, it's much easier for people to cause more damage. I think everyone is emotionally weak in some way or another. And we're all terrible to each other without actually meaning to be, or realizing it.
So I think people just need to learn to show a little bit more compassion now & then, and be more gentle, especially to the people that we take for granted. Otherwise we're fucked. Because people aren't as strong as they seem, the most damaged people just hide it well. I'm going to try my best to remember this. It's a habit everyone stand to adopt. Use a new word every day and sooner or later it becomes part of your daily vocabulary.
That being said I have to say that I am ecstatic today. No reason, I'm just in love with the world. So don't think this was a negative mindset. It's not at all.