Chapter 3 - Catharsis and Befuddlement
Author's Notes: Thank you all for your reviews, favorites and followings; I am honored that you like my story.
Added more dialogue thanks to Kats on ff.net for the suggestion.
Like always, no beta, all mistakes are mine.
I have rewritten this chapter so many times that I decided to stop messing around with it and just post it. I hope you enjoy reading this chapter.
Chapter 3 - Catharsis and Befuddlement
She cannot possibly love him, that is what she continues to tell herself
The truth is she does not want to love him; she just can't!
She does not care for poems that wax lyrical "that love that is love alters not what alteration finds" [6]
Who cares what the bard thinks the year is 2019 not 1609
This...this can't possibly be her life!
Befuddlement is a mental state characterized by a lack of clear and orderly thought and behavior; "a confusion of impressions."
Blair looks up the word in the dictionary that is on the bedside table. It is not that she does not know what the word 'befuddlement' means; she just wanted a clearer and more succinct definition.
She is clearly in a befuddled state because she still unsure of what it is.
Five days after the scene at Dan's place, she hid in one of the guest bedrooms. She only intended to be there overnight while she licked her wounds; hoping to let out steam after the encounter and hide the deep sorrow and regret from Chuck's prying eyes. More importantly she wanted to shield Henry from mommy's supposed temporary psychosis.
Overnight has turned to a week. The longer she stays in the room the more she is gripped with fear: fear of the unknown; fear for her sanity; fear of the tongues that were lashing at her misdemeanors; the fear that she was now a laughing stock. She could not show her face in society again, ooh the shame!
Installing the dumbwaiter elevators when they moved into this apartment is a God send. Dorota has been using it to send her food and sundries.
She likes it here in her safe haven.
Scrunching up her nose slightly, she identifies that the en-suite bathroom is beginning to emit a putrid stench from her bulimic emissions. She will get Dorota to clean up in there once she is sure Chuck and Henry are out for the day.
Pushing her face mask over her face, she snuggles further into the duvet and tries to kill the many thoughts and images in her head.
She is shaken from her stupor when Chuck breaks in with Dorota and Henry in tow; well Chuck gets the help to break in and gives him a $100 bill for his trouble.
Chucks walks into the room menacingly stopping at the foot of the bed. He looks furious.
"I thought I told you to fix it." He said pointedly. "Instead you are hiding here like a pathetic coward and scaring our son."
"And what is that smell?"
Here she is paralyzed with malaise and all Chuck can do is yell at her. Refusing to accept this from Chuck she lashes back at him.
"The only thing that stinks here is you. What sort of man gives his wife his blessing to sleep with another man; a Bass-hole that's who?"
As she and Chuck battle it out, Dorota shrieks "Miss Blair you need help, you need shrink!"
Chuck stops yelling and agrees with Dorota.
"You hide here for many days; we scared for your sanity." Dorota continues.
She really is not in the mood for this. She doesn't need a shrink and she does not need them ganging up on her; she just wants whatever this is to go away. It won't go away if they are here badgering her.
Rising from the bed with a hint of menace she retorts, "Dorota may be it's time I returned you to the slum you came from?"
Her vitriol is short lived as she spots a terrified Henry hiding behind Dorota for his dear life. Even her outstretched arms does not beckon him over instead causes him to burrow deeper into Dorota's skirt.
The shock of seeing a terrified Henry causes her to acquiesce. She can not have her baby being terrified of her.
Dorota arranges for an appointment that afternoon.
Dr Sherman her childhood psychiatrist had retired a few years ago and passed her paperwork (with her permission) to his colleague Dr Farkas who was based at the Fifth Avenue Psychiatry [1]. Dr Farkas is an elderly gentleman about 65 years old with peppered hair and wireframe glasses that he sometimes peers out of like an old school librarian.
He begins the session asking her reasons for coming.
She tells him in clipped tones that she is here under duress. Her maid and husband ganged up on her and forced her here.
Dr Farkas tries to elicit some more information from her about why she is here but, she only responds with monosyllabic answers.
"I see from my notes from Dr Sherman that you are bulimic, have you regressed lately?
Her only response is a nod.
He continues to pepper her with questions but, she really isn't in the mood for this; she is here against her will. She continues to respond with monosyllabic answers and sometimes she doesn't even answer his questions at all.
She is sick of the "and how do you feel about that" that follows every thing she utters. Internally she makes a vow to attend future sessions in her Jackie Onassis style Gucci sunglasses.
After her first session, she makes her way back to her car. She is in the mood for hot beverage but, is scared to go to any of her usual places in case she bumps into anyone she knows. She goes to Veselka instead.
She must be truly insane because she thinks she sees Dan in everything. Even the Barista reminds her of Dan.
A week into her treatment, she visits Madame Suzette's store on fifth; Madame Suzette knew all the gossip as well as the latest fashion and what would be in fashion in years to come.
She goes to Madame Suzettes store on fifth under the guise of checking out her new wares from Paris.
To her surprise, no one is talking it, in fact there is no news about her except that she is seeing a shrink and there are various rumors why that is. One of the most talked about ones is that she finally found out about Chuck's mistress in Bangkok. Madame Suzette looks at her for confirmation.
She walks out of the store with her head held high even though internally her heart slowly crumbles.
A month into her sessions, she had a particularly stressful day at work, it does not help that Henry has been playing up. Her exchanges with Chuck are a bit frosty this evening due to her rebuffing his attempts this morning by citing a very busy day and full diary.
The frostiness leads to them exchanging a few cross words.
She has had it up to here with his righteous indignation over her malaise that she blurts out in anger: "And who is the lady boy you are keeping on payroll in Bangkok?"
"And while you are formulating an answer I need to know who else you've been sleeping with behind my back. I'm going to need to see my doctor for an aids test because who knows what else you picked up in Bangkok."
"Since you haven't put out in months I doubt you caught anything." He retorts with pursed lips and obviously irritated.
"How long has it been going for?"
Chuck does not look at her.
"Answer me!"
He turns to look at her, his eyes glowering. "You don't get to act holy than thou in this Blair. I was willing to overlook your little dalliances with Humphrey."
He then walks out of their bedroom slamming the in his wake.
She collapses on the bed, her hands are shaking and unshed tears pool in her eyes. To stop her hands shaking she ruffles through her bag to find her phone, she needs something to steady her hands and that would temporarily take her mind of the shambles that is her life.
The phone's web browser is still on Page 6 from the last time she was using her phone. Glaring right back at her is a smiling Mila Kunis exiting JFK with Dan by her side. Mila is brushing her hair off her face with her left hand and on said hand is a two carat blue diamond Cartier Destinee Solitaire Platinum engagement ring [3].
She doesn't realize when she starts hyper ventilating.
Dorota walks in a few minutes later and begins to squawk while trying to calm her down.
It takes a few minutes to calm down and she finds herself spent from it all. Grabbing the tissues Dorota offers her she wipes her tear stained face and then spares a quick glance at her face using the compact mirror in her bag.
Dorota calls Dr Farkas's office to arrange an emergency appointment. Luckily for her his last appointment for the evening cancelled and he can fit her in.
When she gets to Dr Farkas office she is a wreck and everything comes out including Chuck's affairs, her dreams and recent encounters with Dan, how her mother prefers Serena to her, her father abandoning her to set up a home with a man and Serena always pilfering things that belong to her.
Dr Farkas begins probes deeper into her childhood and past relationships. From this he establishes that all her issues seem to stem from the fact that she never felt perfect enough for her mother and as a coping mechanism she established the need for perfection/fairytale. He reckons that subconsciously she may have made life choices to substantiate the belief that she is not good enough and she had to be perfect to be worthy of the choices she made.
"So Mrs Bass can you tell me about your relationship with Dan Humphrey?"
How they went from her need for perfection to Humphrey is very bewildering to her.
She does not want to talk about Dan; she has said all that she wants to say on that subject in her opening rant, all she wants right now is for her marriage to be perfect and whatever this is to go away.
As the session comes to a close Dr Farkas insists that due to her current state they need to move their sessions from fortnightly to daily and he then hands her a prescription for diazepam and lithium respectively [7].
She walks out of there still not feeling better however; she senses that a weight has been lifted from her shoulders.
A week later towards the end of one of their sessions the doctor opines that what she is experiencing right now is a delayed reaction; a delayed reaction to what has been unfolding for many years.
She not convinced about his prognosis.
"A delayed reaction to what, Humphrey? Oh please!"
She tells him that he doesn't know what he is talking about and then calls him a quack before storming out.
Deliberately, she misses the next three sessions to spite him.
Due to much cajoling from Dorota she starts attending her sessions again. Dorota follows her to the session to ensure that she truly sees the doctor and does not hightail it out of there.
Doctor Farkas starts the session by asking why questions about Dan Humphrey makes her irate or defensive.
Before she can respond with a witty comeback Dorota says "Miss Blair always defensive when she is trying to hide something."
She glares at Dorota pointedly and then squaring her shoulders she turns to the doctor and with a beatific smile and an arched eyebrow says, "Dorota is delusional!"
"Every time she and lonely boy go kaput, she become crazy Miss Blair."
"Lonely boy? Who is lonely boy? Dr Farkas replies looking to her and Dorota for answers.
Using her hand to shush Dorota before she gives out anymore information no one has asked her for she tells Dr Farkas that lonely boy was a nickname coined by a blog for Dan in high school. She then informs Dr Farkas that she is paying him good money to cure her malaise and not to ask her inconsequential questions.
Dorota interjects again "Look Dr Farkas, Miss Blair is stubborn and not very good at facing reality especially when her plans go kaput."
And with that Dorota begins to tell Dr Farkas about all the stuff that happened recently which led to her needing psychiatric attention. It didn't matter how many times she interjected to correct Dorota's misconceptions of recent events Dr Farkas paid no attention to her and lapped up whatever fabrications Dorota was spewing while scribbling away in his notebook.
Dorota was going to pay for betraying her confidence.
The doctor looks thrilled and tells her that he thinks that this has been an extremely informative session. He also reckons that they may be close to a breakthrough and suggests that going forward he would like her to attend future sessions with close relatives and friends.
Dorota thumping her right fist on her chest says, "No worry I arrange."
As they leave the office, Dorota says something to Dr Farkas in Russian.
She quickly pushes Dorota out the door threatening to kill her by the time they get home.
Chuck is too busy to attend quack meetings.
After much duress, bargaining and blackmailing from her he finally agrees though he stresses that she is the one that has a problem and so he does not understand why he needs to see the shrink.
Chuck manages to sit through halfway of the session and then walks out when Dr Farkas begins to unearth his daddy, mummy and uncle issues. Dorota becomes a substitute for Chuck after that. It really is the best solution for everyone she opines to herself.
After Chuck, Dr Farkas interviews her mother, then her father, Roman, Cyrus, Nate and Serena respectively. The sessions had to be reorganized to accommodate people flying in from overseas and LA.
She firmly refuses to bring/invite Humphrey to any of her sessions and thank God Dr Farkas does not argue with her about that.
Six months into her sessions she begins to feel stronger and better. Dr Farkas remarks that they have made tremendous progress and recommends moving their meetings to once every three months.
As she gets up to leave, Dr Farkas says, "You know Mrs Bass sometimes happily ever after is not perfect. The most important thing is to find something that makes you feel whole and incredibly happy. And sometimes that may entail taking a new direction."
He asks her pointedly, "what would make you incredibly happy?"
She is too afraid to contemplate what that might be.
He asks her to ponder this in the coming months before their next session and bids her farewell.
Even though she is not a particularly religious person as she walks out of the Fifty Avenue Psychiatry building, she looks up to the heavens and asks for a sign.
Her sign does not come and so she puts all her effort into repairing her marriage. Chuck is doing all the right things and they seem to be making a go at it. She thinks she can learn to be make it work. Chuck is Henry's father and a part of her will always love him.
Three months later they are St. Nicholas Russian Orthodox Cathedral attending the wedding of one of one of Chuck's business associate. Henry is part of the bridal train and looks so dapper in his page boy outfit. She blows him a kiss as he walks up the aisle with the rest of the bridal attendants.
The service is predominantly in Russian and she is bored. She is trying very hard not to fish out her phone and occupy herself - the church as a no cell phone policy It doesn't help that Chuck had left her side about an hour ago to go outside to respond to a call.
The chief bridesmaid takes the pulpit and begins to read in English. Blair lets out a sigh of relief, finally someone that speaks English.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. [3]
Everyone claps; the chief bridesmaid beams back at them and then steps down from the podium.
Blair wonders if she finally has her sign. As she begins to contemplate this Chuck walks in and takes his sit beside her.
The service draws to an end a few minutes later and they all make their way to the reception at the Empire.
After the ceremony the words from the service about love continues to reverberate in her head and causes her to question her definition of love.
Gradually in her head things begin to take motion and as the days goes by she begins to comprehend what Dr Farkas's had been talking about.
The next session with Dr Farkis is about a week after the wedding. Before he can speak, she starts the session by saying that he was right and she can finally see that she had been undergoing some sort of delayed reaction. It is really pains her to eat humble pie.
She continues by saying that now that she can finally see through the illusion she realizes that her marriage is over; forced happiness only works for so long.
She loves Chuck; a part of her always will. He was her first in a lot of things and more importantly he is the father of her child. But sadly their fairytale has come to an end, it came to an end months after her twenty first birthday but, she hadn't wanted to accept it then. The reminder of all that she sacrificed to be with him made her hang on.
Now that the illusion is shattered, she now knows that theirs is not a mature relationship; it was a very crazy, intense and twisted thing that had stopped being exciting after Henry was born.
Things are not inevitable just because you say it is repeatedly.
This time when the doctor asks her about Dan Humphrey she is not defensive or irate. A wry smile appears on her face and with an air of regret she tells him everything about Dan.
Dr Farkas postulates that maybe all this time she thought she was running away from Chuck when actually she had been running away from Dan.
Shaking her head vigorously, she cries, Its just…it can't possibly be! I can't love Dan Humphrey, I just can't." She is very close to tears at this point.
"Why not Mrs Bass?"
"He is from Brooklyn!"
"But from all the things you have told me about this guy, where he comes from seems irrelevant."
"Dan is not an option, I think Mila Kunis and her engagement ring might have a problem with that!"
"Ok, let's put aside Mila Kunis, the fact that he comes from Brooklyn and any other baggage or excuse you might have temporarily aside and on this basis I would like you to sum up what Dan Humphrey means to you. What I mean…how does he make you feel.?"
She gulps painfully and looks away from him and slowly begins to articulate, "When I look back in my life, I find that the points where I have been the strongest and happiest are the points where Dan has been in my life."
Dr Farkas nods and makes notes. "Then why the aversion to him?" he asks without looking up from his notes.
She laughs bitterly and mutters "This can't be my life."
"I know you can't probably comprehend this Dr Farkas since you come from the former Soviet Union and to you Brooklyn is probably paradise but, from where I come from Brooklyn is déclassé."
He looks up from his notes with a slight frown on his face, "Aren't you taking this class thing too far? Why is where he comes so important to you?"
He puts down his notes and walks to his desk which is behind the chairs they are sitting on. He picks up another note book, returns back to his seat and then begins to flick through it. He finds what he is looking for and begins to tap on it with the pen that is in his left hand.
There is an air of elation about him when he says, "In a previous session you told me Mr Humphrey was a successful novelist and screen writer. And this Mila Kunis his fiancée is an international film star, so I would say the class thing is not an issue just an excuse."
"Look Dr Farkas, the Mila Kunis' of the world can date whomever they want but, there is a different requirement for Blair Waldorf."
"Interesting, this is the first time I have heard you refer to yourself by your maiden name!"
Dr Farkas puts that notebook down and picks up the notebook he was making notes in earlier and begins to scribble vigorously.
She rolls her eyes and begins to tap her foot in agitation.
He stops writing and finally looks up with a determined look on his face.
"I think you are scared."
"I think you are scared because the feelings that this man elicits in you shatters everything that you have carefully constructed. I really think it has destabilized your very core."
When it is laid so bare before her like this she can't help but, be stupefied.
"Look Mrs Bass, I'm not asking you to be Mrs Humphrey."
"Well he is engaged so I think that would be impossible." She arches her right brow for good measure.
"Mrs Bass I'm not asking you to break an engagement or divorce your husband. All I am trying to do is help you realize and accept your catharsis and eventual metamorphosis."
Dr Farkas then looks at his watch and tells her that they have come to the end of their session.
As she leaves his office her, he tells her that she has made tremendous progress and encourages her to start to think about her happiness and the sort of things that would help her actualize said happiness.
As the weeks go by what she has to do begins to become apparent.
The need to truly understand what love means is paramount as everything she ever believed in now lies in tatters before her. The need to love and nourish herself seems to be the logical first step.
Dan is not an option even if she wanted him to be. If she is brutally honest, she does not think she wants him in her life. Maybe not right now anyway.
Chuck does not like her decision.
Frankly she doesn't care what he thinks anymore; it is not up to him. For Henry's sake she is willing to try and make this amicable. Henry must not have an embittered childhood laden with issues like she and Chuck did - here is she almost thirty and still paying the price.
There are a few tantrums from Chuck that last for months however, after a while something in him backs off, he signs the divorce papers and works at being amicable for Henry's sake.
Chuck keeps the house which is fine by her; she is all about new beginnings now and staying in any home that carries the stench of any of her past relationships is not an option.
Sotheby Homes [4] are commissioned to find her and Henry a place in the UES; she wants somewhere not too far from Chuck in order to make things easy for Henry's commute between his parents' houses.
Sotheby Homes find her a pre-war fifth avenue apartment with 5 bedrooms/bathrooms, amazing park views, staff quarters and a terrace.
While the contracts are being processed she commissions Alexander James Design [5] in England to decorate their new home.
The décor of their home is a mixture of old English manor and American chic. The Alexander James team is very efficient and everything is done within a few weeks.
She and Henry vacate their suite at the Empire and settle into their new home with gusto.
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Other Notes:
I have never been to a psychiatrist; my little knowledge of them is from films, TV, novels and the internet. If my description of what a psychiatric session entails is incorrect, kindly let me know and I will correct it.
Another thing, as I have not seen Season 6 and a good portion of Season 5 I don't know if the Empire still exists. I used the Empire in this story (very minor part), if it stopped existing in Season 5 or 6 please let me know and I'll change the hotel name to something else.
References
[1] Fifth Avenue Psychiatry is a real psychiatry on Fifth Avenue. I don't know if a Dr Farkas works there as far as I know he is a figment of my imagination.
[2] Two carat diamond Cartier Destinee Solitaire Platinum engagement ring is sold by Cartier but, not in color blue.
[3] "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud…" is from 1 Corinthians 13. I have heard this recited at a lot of weddings and I thought it would be a nice touch. Blair asking for a sign was reminiscence of Season 1.
[4] Sotheby Homes is a realtor in NYC, Blair's new home described here and Dan's apartment in Chapter 2 are real and can be found on the Sotheby Homes website.
[5] Alexander is an interior design house based in the UK. I initially wanted to go for Amy Lau on the UES but, her designs are very contemporary and I didn't think Blair would like that. She is more Manet and Degas; while Amy Lau seems more Joseph Beuys with a twist of Damien Hirst. I don't know how efficient the Alexander James Design team are as I have never used their service whatever I have written in this chapter about them is pure fiction.
[6] Excerpt from Shakespeare's Sonnet 116.
[7] I read on the internet that diazepam and lithium are used in treating anxiety and depression. As this is what I believe Blair is experiencing at the moment, I included it in the story. However, anyone more knowledgeable should feel free to advise on what would be more appropriate, thank you in advance.