Love Has Many Guises
Author's Notes: I started out by writing Dan's point of view, somehow Blair's point of view crept in and I began to write both simultaneously. For some reason Blair seems to have a lot to say.
My idea for Dan's dorm came from here
No beta, all mistakes are mine.
The first part/chapter (i.e. Dan's POV) can be found here
Love Comes In Many Guises
"I'm not frightened. I'm not frightened of anything. The more I suffer, the more I love. Danger will only increase my love. It will sharpen it, forgive its vice. I will be the only angel you need." Bernhard Schlink, "The Reader".
She realizes within minutes of telling Chuck that he is her choice that she bet with the wrong hand however, warped logic convinces her to press on harder, isn't there an old adage about the winner takes all. So like a novice gambler she chooses to press on, it wouldn't do to go home without winning something.
In the bid to recover Bass Industries, Chuck needs to travel around the world scoring China, Dubai and South Africa for investors. In the view of solidarity Blair takes an unannounced sabbatical from Waldorf Designs and accompanies him on his voyage. Being an accessory was never her thing but, for Chuck she smiles, makes small talk with the hope that it would bring business his way.
If there is one thing Chuck is good at it is decadence and parties, and with Chuck they often go hand in hand. The thing with people with new money is that they want to show it off; they like the exclusivity and indulgence it can buy them and Chuck is able to give them all that and more with the exchange of cash. Within a few months he gains considerable amount of notoriety and a handful of clients on his portfolio; Chuck Bass is back with a vengeance.
With Jack's help they are able to expand in the Oceania Asia belt gradually.
Blair is not involved in the business side of things, no matter how much she wants to be. Chuck still doesn't trust her; her only involvement is to stand by his side looking pretty.
One good thing that comes from this is that she often gets comments from the other plus ones about her fabulous ensembles; gradually she carves a niche for herself giving solicited and unsolicited fashion advice. She contemplates making a business out of it, not that she hasn't had many offers but, that would mean leaving Chuck's side. She really wants to prove to Chuck that she is in this for the long haul and will not abandon him again.
Somewhere between Japan and Morocco, they fight and call it quits three times but, she perseveres.
Anytime she and Chuck fight, she picks up the phone to call him but, can't bring herself to do so. She is terrified of the reception she would get from him; they didn't exactly part as friends.
It starts to happen gradually (often after their fights), the comparison that is. She doesn't mean to compare them, it isn't intentional, it is like an unbidden reaction.
Blair hadn't realized how much she's changed or that she has now come to expect certain things in a relationship. But she can't let herself think like that, that is not who Chuck and Blair are.
Chuck is under a lot of pressure right now; even though he is making considerable progress, getting his and Jack's version of Bass Industries to be a multi-billion dollar industry like its predecessor is not as easy as Chuck originally envisaged. Wanting to help she suggests investing some of her money in the business. Chuck sees her suggestion as her not having faith in him and not being supportive, so he storms out of their hotel room. She hasn't heard from him in two weeks.
This is not as if this is the first time Chuck has walked out, to be honest she stopped counting. However, in the past he always came back to her within a few hours or days, he was never away for this long. She can't bring herself to care anymore. Evidently guilt no longer seems to play a big part in her decision making.
This time she doesn't chicken out and dials his phone number. She plans to say something witty when he picks up the phone, hopefully he'll say something witty back causing them to ease into their usual repartee which will then steer them away from her Chuckful past. Dan always did know how to make her feel better.
The response to her call is a resounding dead tone. She tries the number again and again and again, the response is the same each time. She then decides to try email, but her emails keeping bouncing back with a delivery error.
Her mind goes haywire and starts to imagine all sorts of terrible things that may have happened to him. With shaky fingers she calls Dorota and tells her to gather Intel on Dan, following her call to Dorota, Blair books herself on the next flight to New York.
Arriving in New York just after thanksgiving is a riotous affair; it takes forever to get out of the airport. At times like this she misses the privilege of being a princess i.e. not having to go through security with the rest of the civilians or reducing oneself to plebian tasks such as getting her own luggage.
Dorota is there to meet her at the airport.
The one good thing after her ordeal is Dorota's news that Dan is fine and ensconced in the NYU dorms. She can't help thinking, if he is ok, why is his phone or email not working? She snuffs out those thoughts and begins to formulate a plan to get him back on her side.
Without the hustle and bustle that accompanies her parents and Cyrus or Serena living here stepping into the penthouse feels almost like stepping into a mausoleum.
As they ascend the stairs Dorota is nattering on about something again; Blair isn't paying attention because the name Serena is included in whatever Dorota is saying. If Serena wants to be in her good graces she needs to make it up to her after many months of no contact. Pleading and begging for her forgiveness would be an acceptable first step. Blair shushes Dorota and instructs her to go draw her a bath, and then once finished with that to lay out her sleeveless red dress and black La Perlas for her to wear.
"But Miss Blair I need to tell you about Miss Serena..."
What is it with Dorota and the need for incessant chatter? Using hand motions to silence Dorota, she barks at her to go do her biding. Blair isn't interested in hearing about Serena. Dorota glares at her for effect and walks away to do as she has been instructed.
Later that evening Blair makes her way to Dan's dorm filled with trepidation and an aroma of Chanel No 5. On arriving at Second Street Hall, she makes her way to the fourth floor.
Standing in front of room 418 she knocks on the door and waits for an answer.
"Come in the door's open."
Opening the door slowly she steps into the room stealthily. Dan is sitting at his desk working away on his computer. She takes in the picture in front of her and a part of her is relieved to see him looking hale and hearty; another part of her finds the scene endearing.
Inhaling sharply she breathes out "Hi" shakily.
Dan turns his eyes from his computer screen and it meets hers where she stood by the door. A look of horror flickers across his face only to change to an icy glare in a matter of seconds.
"What are you doing here?"
Psyching herself internally, she has beatific smile on her face and she advances towards him and goes to stand by his desk. On getting there, she reaches out and attempts to grab his right hand and encase it in hers.
"I was worried about you. Your phone and email are no longer working so, I thought I'd come check up on you." She responds with concern in her voice.
"Aren't you seven months too late for that?" he retorts removing her hands from his. He then gets up from his desk and walks towards the window putting some distance between them.
"Can't we put the past behind us and start again with a clean slate please?"
There is a knock on the door. Ensuring that he sidesteps her, Dan advances to the door and opens it. A pretty girl with wavy brown hair walks in. She is wearing a brown plaid shirt and blue jeans accompanied with gold hoop earrings.
What in the world is with this lumberjack ensemble?
The girl notices Blair and gives her a little wave, Blair doesn't return it.
The girl faces Dan and gives him a peck on the lips.
Blair tries not to cringe at the grotesque display in front of her. She can't believe Dan went from high fashion to this. She doesn't allow herself to think about the searing pain that is starting in her chest.
Lumberjack is telling Dan about this place the gang is going to and wonders if he would like to go. Does she have to be really handsy when telling him about it?
Dan smiles at her in that cute way of his and agrees to go.
Lumberjack girl then turns in her direction and asks Blair if she'd like to join them at some Tavern.
Before Blair can respond with something wittingly condescending, Dan says "She can't, Blair's just leaving."
"Excuse me but, we are not finished." Blair begins to protest in astonishment.
"I believe we are. Good bye Blair."
And with that parting shot, Dan hurriedly ushers her out of his room and closes the door in her face. Blair hears the distinct sound of the door being locked. How dare Dan dismiss her! With that she storms out of the building.
Blair returns home dejected and slumps on the chaise lounge in the living area. She hadn't been expecting Dan to behave that way towards her. The whole thing left a sour taste in her mouth.
Dorota places a tray laden with Laduree macaroons, a teapot full camomile tea and a matching tea cup and saucer in front of her. Dorota pours some tea into the cup and passes it to Blair along with the plate of macaroons. Blair takes a sip from the tea cup and places it down on the saucer; then takes a macaroon from the plate and bites into the soft gooey center of a pistachio macaroon and lets out a sigh of contentment.
From the corner of her eye she sees Dorota acting fidgety. Blair rolls her eyes and growls, "Spit it out Dorota".
"It's about Miss Serena."
"I told you not to mention that name in this house!"
It turns out that Dorota had been trying to tell her that Serena had an overdose in July; the overdose nearly killed her. Lily made sure everything was hush-hush, and the only reason Dorota knew is because Vanya was the one that found Serena's comatose body in an alley in Queens.
"I tried to tell you over the phone Miss Blair, but either your phone switched off because you are flying somewhere with Mr Chuck or you shout at me not to mention Miss Serena..."
"You should have tried harder!"
Deserting her tea and macaroons Blair rushes out of the apartment.
Blair arrives at the Van Der Woodsen's hoping Lily would confide in her but, Lily's only response to her query about Serena's whereabouts is, "You know Serena, she is off to God knows where doing God knows what after deciding to take some time out from college, again."
Blair can't put a finger on it but, Lily is behaving stranger than usual. She's a bit too cold and detached even for Lily. Their conversation is stilted and doesn't go anywhere. In the past she may have probed further but, something is definitely off. And is that gin she can smell on Lily's breath?
Blair makes her excuses and leaves. She meanders around Manhattan with a big fog over her head. She can't believe she had being missing in action when her best friend needed her. She feels awful and desperately needed to talk to someone.
As she walks past the Paul Smith store on Fifth Avenue she wonders if Dan knows about Serena. If Lily kept it hush-hush there was a chance that he might not know. Hailing a cab she heads to Second Street Hall.
Dan isn't in his room when she gets there so she decides to wait for him in the hallway. She assumes that he'd gone to that place that the lumberjack had been talking about.
After a few hours of waiting her high heeled encased feet were beginning to ache, if she wasn't petrified about the possibility to catching something she would have relieved her aching feet by sitting on the floor or taking her shoes off.
A few minutes later she breathes a sigh of relief upon hearing Dan's voice coming from the direction of the stairwell. Her relief changes to something she can't define when she notices that he is accompanied by the lumberjack. Dan's arms are around her.
Dan stops upon spotting her and bellows, "Why are you back?"
"Oh I'm sorry did I interrupt your pathetic attempt at a booty call." She snarls back at him looking at the lumberjack up and down disparagingly for effect.
Dan advances towards her and stops in front of her, and before she realizes it they are talking over each other and arguing pretty intently. The only reason they stop is because lumberjack interrupts them.
Dan walks away from Blair and placates the lumberjack, apologizing profusely. They are talking in hushed tones so Blair can't make out what they are saying. However, Dan's looking into lumberjack's eyes and his hand is now stroking her cheek/jaw softly. Blair can tell where this is going.
Rolling her eyes, she stamps her foot and yells "Excuse me we were having a conversation!"
This causes Dan and lumberjack to jump. Dan turns to glare at her momentarily then turns back to inform lumberjack that he needs to deal with this.
This! How dare he refer to her as this?
"Humphrey you have some nerve…"
Humphrey and lumberjack say their goodbyes then Dan grabs Blair by the elbow, opens the door to his room and drags her inside, shutting the door behind them.
Dan removes his hand from her elbow, raising his hands in frustration yells, "What gives you the effrontery to come to my dorm and cause a scene?"
"What gives you the right to refer to me as this?"
"What are you even doing here? I thought I made my self clear earlier."
Still filled with righteous indignation, "Well I came here to tell you about Serena od'ing but, obviously you attempted booty call with lumberjack is more important. Forgive me for wanting you to know that the love of your life nearly died."
Placing his keys on his desk, "I already know about Serena." He responds more softly.
"What do you mean you already know about Serena? Dorota said no one knew as Lily kept it all hush-hush. In fact I went to see Lily tonight and she wouldn't divulge anything."
"I know, because I was there when Eric got the call from Lily."
"And you didn't think to let me know about this?"
"Frankly Blair I don't know what I do or do not owe you. So tell me how was I supposed to get hold of you to relay this information, hmmm? I haven't seen or heard from you in seven months."
"That is beside the point, you could have emailed me or texted me or asked Dorota to contact me…"
"Are you for real? Are you even listening to yourself?"
Sighing deeply he says a bit more quietly, "I saw Serena at the hospital and she was fine."
"Really? She's ok?"
"Well...ok enough to check herself into a facility in LA?"
Leaning against the door dejectedly she says, "I can't believe I didn't know something was wrong with her."
"Don't beat yourself about it; I didn't know anything was wrong with her either. I mean I should have clued in at the Shepherd party when she tricked me into having sex with her, and there was the whole thing about her videoing us having sex and trying to use it as blackmailing material..."
A sharp sound of skin hitting skin echoes across the room.
"Ouch, what the hell was that for?"
"You cheated on me with Serena?"
"You left me for Chuck, you don't get to pull the righteous indignation act on me Waldorf!"
"And you don't get to act sanctimonious, you cheated with my best friend!"
"For there to be cheating we would have had to be in a relationship and if my memory serves me correctly we weren't in a relationship. You left me for Chuck."
"I tried to explain. I left voicemails on your phone, sent you emails..."
"Just so you know, I didn't read your emails, in fact I deleted them. I was not interested in anything you had to say then, and frankly I'm not interested now." He turns away from her and walks towards the window.
There is an uncomfortable silence that seems to last for ages. The only sound in the room was the simultaneous hum from the refrigerator and the laptop on Dan's desk.
Breaking the silence Dan says, "I loved you, you know, more than I thought it was possible love anyone. All I wanted was some assurance that we were on the same page but, you couldn't be bothered to tell me that you decided to check out of the relationship, not even to say goodbye. And now you expect me to accept you back with open arms, it doesn't work that way Blair."
He lets out a deep sigh and continues. "You made your bed and now you need to lie on it. You can't expect things to be the same after what you did."
Opening the lets herself out and closes the door quietly behind her. Upon getting home books herself on the next flight to Paris. There was nothing for her in New York anymore.
On getting to Paris, one of the first things she does is to hire a PI to find Serena. The PI comes back with nothing.
The Second thing she does is to have a tete a tete with her parents. She apologizes for absconding on her responsibilities and explains that she had not envisaged this would happen when she agreed to take over from her mother. The truth was she doesn't think she is ready for Waldorf Designs right now. The past year had been excruciatingly difficult following the turmoil of losing her child, her broken marriage and nearly bankrupting her family. She hasn't been herself for a long time and taking over the helms of Waldorf is too much right now. She needs a break to find herself again first and maybe it would help her become stronger to carry on.
One thing that isn't vocalized is the heartache left by Dan, Serena and Chuck respectively.
Her parents (and step parents) are supportive. Her mother particularly feels awful for rushing her into taking on Waldorf Designs.
Within a few days of her arrival in Paris, Chuck is back and with a vengeance. Very soon the apartment is drowned in peonies and expensive gifts.
Chuck is very persistent however, she can't bring herself to go for a ride on the Bassmobile again. She needs to figure out why she is so messed up, why things are so confusing and more importantly she needs to fix whatever is wrong with her. Hitching herself on the Bassmobile (or any other mobile for that matter) is not going to bring her any closer to that
So she rebuffs his advances when he comes to her apartment to proposition her.
"Is this about Humphrey?"
"This not about Dan." She protests.
"You think I don't know about your pathetic attempts at a reunion at NYU."
"You had me followed?"
"We fight and then you go slumming it in Brooklyn, that's pathetic even for you."
Blair recoils at the insult, taken aback by vitriol spewed her way. She's not at fault here; he was the one who left her in a hotel in Beijing.
"I think you should go," is her only response. But Chuck counters that.
"Why don't you get it through your head, you don't belong with the Humphreys of this world. You belong with me, he'll never understand you like I do..."
She doesn't let him finish, "Get out!"
Chuck looks her up and down disparagingly and says "Good-luck being someone else's whore" and strides out of the apartment.
Blair decides from that point onwards that No Regrets is her mantra, moving forward is her watchword; she is determined to make something meaningful of her life even after so many pitfalls.
Blair books herself into a retreat in Switzerland. Something about the Alps and fresh air there is very invigorating. Having time to herself, helps her reflect and gain perspective.
Love comes in many guises. It can come in the form of a prince with Vanderbilt connections, the Victrola or a Brooklyn boy with nothing to offer but, ensuring her happiness.
Sometimes love is not what you want it to be but, what you need. She can earnestly say that she loves Chuck, and she knows deep down that he loves her. His parting shot to her notwithstanding. He will always be her first in so many ways. The truth of the matter is that she's not in love with him; she hasn't been for a very long time. This is what she had been running away from for a while now. She shouldn't have involved Louis or Dan in her confusion; she should have faced her problems head on instead of needing people to keep her away from Chuck.
Chuck! No matter how much they love each other. They just aren't good for each other. How can someone who doesn't know love, give love? Despite all their declarations, their experiences and catastrophes has been a shinning beacon telling them it's not going to work out, no matter how much they want it to.
She's not even sure if Chuck really sees her. He may know her dark side but, he doesn't see all of her.
If she's completely honest with herself, she may be the first woman Chuck said I love you to, but she's not the last. She saw how he was with Eva and Raina.
She also realizes now that she loves Dan, she didn't realize it when they were together because it was different from anything that she had ever experienced. It wasn't intense like her love for Chuck or Nate; it was a quieter, an unassuming kind of love.
The funny thing about all of this is that, she thought if someone could love all sides of her unconditionally like Dan did, that maybe Chuck could too, and then she could have everything she always wanted. Chuck Bass is a law unto himself alone. The love of a woman couldn't change that.
Blair sends a package of books to Dan's dorm with a note that says "I'm sorry", hoping it would smoothen things or at least open an avenue of communication between them. She could really do with a friend right now.
The package is returned to her with a note that says, "You can't buy your way into forgiveness."
After more months of soul searching and therapy, she decides to put pen to paper. She writes three letters, one to Louis, Chuck and Dan respectively. She hopes the letters will explain everything and hopefully earn their forgiveness.
She never gets a response back to any of her letters; not even from Dan. It brings her to the resounding conclusion that he may never forgive her.
Blair encourages herself with the words No Regrets and Moving forward.
Continued
Note: LJ is driving me mad, all of a sudden an entry that was accepted today and yonks ago respectively is suddenly deemed to large by LJ and it throws an error. Now I have had to separate this chapters into two parts to rectify the error. The annoying thing is that now my posts on my home page are out of sync, grrrh. Forgive my rant.