here it goes
its amazing how much and so little can change in a person in a given amount of time. some people will never lose the suspicion of hurt someone must be trying to inflict upon them. some people fear commitment (for many reasons) and some fear change. some fear life and some fear happiness (odd but true, sometimes when things are good they fear things can only go bad). i fear consistancy. i fear lonliness. and i fear this place. i fear i am putting more value to something i wish with all my heart could be there. i fear rejection, something ive never feared before. with so much past involved its....well there you go...the past. i have issues with the past. i cannot forget it, i cannot forgive it. i cannot move on as smoothly as i wish to when the past is always on my heels. i cant say goodbye to people i really cared about. its not in me to do so. i need to. i need to say. no that was it. not again. and maybe even, deal with it yourself i have no sympathy for you. but i feel that if i do that to some, the one i ask forgiveness from will shoot me down likewise. im afraid my chance will be lost with the time im still up here in gainesville. everything comes full circle, i believe i will reap the seeds i sew...and so i fear hurting when i know i can be hurt as well. i am mortal and things hurt me like they hurt everyone else. words, i fear, are all i have to comfort me when i question what to do. because regardless of whether or not i do anything about what i write...i will have written it out, in turn, thought it out and decided what to do with the words unspoken. its almost scary how often my mind wanders into these long thoughts....derailing any previous thoughts and sending my mind into an abyss of seemingly lost thoughts. between every unfinished page of notes from class are two pages of rantings and deeply thought out questions to myself. unfortunetly i rarely answer the questions and hardly re-read the rantings, honestly, for fear of finding something i wrote that really hits home. the only time ive looked back i found a few things i really needed to know about myself. i was dependent upon a relationship to give me the mental fix i needed. between work and school i feared i lost myself in stress that was unrelievable in any way unless i had a significant other to share and talk to. which really...isnt a bad reason to want to be in a relationship...but when that bond isnt there, you cant make one. and you certainly cant find one like that in gainesville. now i know that i can do it alone...i can handle life. i can support myself. buy my own groceries. solve my own problems. do my own chores. wake myself up every morning. pay my own rent and pay for school...all on my own. and i have been doing this. for half a year. and yea, it sucks. yea i wish i had mommy to pay for everything, but in the long run it is so good to know that i can make it on my own. i can live my life and make it somewhere...on my own. hopefully, someday ill get what i want. hoepfully soon, ill have what ive been missing so much, for about three years now. and if not, atleast ill have real closure. to end this, i know i have a lot of responsibilties right now. so ill go to work. go to school. pay my bills and get by the best i can. because im coming back to start my life over. and this time, im doing it right. this time im doing it for me.