thats right friends, go ahead to the next journal on yer list, this is a long and thoughtful one...
dont want to feel needy, but want to be needed
dont want to hold too tight, but want to be hugged breathless
dont want to rush things, but want it all now
dont want to seem crazy, but want to be crazy in love
do you hear me? does anyone hear me? does anyone see me fade from caring?
i wish i had someone to think about, late at night, when the stars are bright and i lay on the hood of my car. its not that i dont think about people, but its different. different from knowing that that somone is thinking about you too. i used to love feeling safe and secure, that no one could ruin things really, because id always have someone. what was i thinking? that was stupid. i dont regret my bad habits, i dont regret anything ive ever done. i hate scene kids. i love the scene. i lvoe music. i hate people who are close-minded and arrogant. im going to stop caring. that will never happen. i remember when i used to sit in a tree when i was little and eat an apple and think. a granny smith apple, thats one of my favorite memories of childhood. then later i sat in lauras trees at her house, adn talked...bout everything, life,boys,clothes, all that stupid stuff that makes friends, friends. i have songs that attatch me to certain memories, they upset me. but theyre like drugs i cant stop using. comfortable by john mayer is what i want...broken in, but flawless. i wish the one place that i called home was closer to me. someday i hope to live out my dreams...as they come. one day my dream-date will happen. i try and act like some things dont bother me. but sometimes trying isnt enough. i wish people thought of others more often. i like being "one of the guys," but i know that i really need to grow up. i sin a lot. i wish i could care more about things that matter. kenny, chad, johnny, clark and adam will always be missed. they are dead to me. people who ignore the truth hurt my senses. i often get lost in the things i think and cant get out. i blame everything on myself. pain really doesnt bother me. ive only cried for things that have hurt my heart like twice, ive only cried overall, like 8 times. ive been beat for 'not caring,' im a clumsy, clumsy person. the waves make me feel like everythings being washed away from me, my impurities dont matter anymore. im very self concious. the nights sky makes me excited (not like that) and my throat catch and makes my muscles twitch. the touch of a guys arm around my waist makes me relax and feel at home. being kissed on the nose or forhead is the cutest thing ever. i fall for guys i cant get or dont deserve. i wish i didnt feel like there was something i was always missing. i hope ill stop caring about these things. maybe, maybe someday, hope and wish will not be so often used by me. i know what i want in life, but dont know if i can handle it. im afraid of commitment, but want it badly. when sarah and i sat and smoked and talked about life and relationships i felt that i would never have what i wanted in one. i never want to come home to an empty apartment. i want that burning feeling in my heart and body when im around the person im dating. i never want to stop having nightmares. i wish i was smarter and didnt slack in middle school. i wonder if ive ruined my life so far, how many 'right' paths have i passed by. i love being alone, but not really. physically being alone is one of my favorite feelings ever, feeling like i have no one, hurts. i wish i was still innocent. maybe one day ill find someone who'll love to tell me how beautiful i am, even if he has to lie. football is my favorite sport to watch besides hockey. i love playing texas hold em, but its been awhile. i miss new smyrna and the way the summers were for me. they remind me of back home on ocean avenue. pool hopping is a fun past time for the hours between 12 and 5 am. there never has been a more silent time in my life than the night i went night surfing alone, ill never feel so whole and complete again. ive forgotten where the heart is. i like feeling pretty and being told so, no matter how conceited that sounds. i am a loud person, sometimes i wish i wasnt. ill never fit in, but really, ive stopped caring. i think ive almost found who i am, and that gives me hope. i know who i like, but i believe i scare them. ive never loved anything more than sitting on the ledge of a hotel and watching a lightning storm tear apart the sky, with somone who didnt feel the need for words, just the need to hold me and me hold him. i want someone to think of me as their only one, and to love me. i want to be comfortable with people that hate me. i dont want to be hated. i want to care, but know that by caring ill drive myself insane. i know that this entry will drive many insane, or atleast give you the idea that im insane. i know that no one can really think outside the box. no one is different. everyone is somewhat the same as someone else. everyone will love and lose, except those who die young, and to them i show my envy, becuz im sure their veiw from heaven beats the hell out of mine here. i believe that love at first sight does not exist, sometimes i question what love is. death knows it is welcome in my house, but refuses to pay a visit. i wish i could only express how much i dont care about people who stereotype and generalize others. i wish i didnt have this time to spill my thoughts on this Lj. i pray that someday, ill look back and laugh at myself, at how stupid and teenage-over-dramatic i was being, how completely overreactive and drama-queen i was being. but something inside me wishes i dont make it that long. i used to be optimistic, but that part of me died a while ago. i can be an asshole and an angel. annoying and calm...i dont know how i got so messed up. but really, i like it. one day, ill get what i deserve. which isnt much. much confusion, distrust, and helplessness-jen
by the way, props to the first person to name the cd i was listenin to when i wrote this...damnit eric, it should be you.
dont want to hold too tight, but want to be hugged breathless
dont want to rush things, but want it all now
dont want to seem crazy, but want to be crazy in love
do you hear me? does anyone hear me? does anyone see me fade from caring?
i wish i had someone to think about, late at night, when the stars are bright and i lay on the hood of my car. its not that i dont think about people, but its different. different from knowing that that somone is thinking about you too. i used to love feeling safe and secure, that no one could ruin things really, because id always have someone. what was i thinking? that was stupid. i dont regret my bad habits, i dont regret anything ive ever done. i hate scene kids. i love the scene. i lvoe music. i hate people who are close-minded and arrogant. im going to stop caring. that will never happen. i remember when i used to sit in a tree when i was little and eat an apple and think. a granny smith apple, thats one of my favorite memories of childhood. then later i sat in lauras trees at her house, adn talked...bout everything, life,boys,clothes, all that stupid stuff that makes friends, friends. i have songs that attatch me to certain memories, they upset me. but theyre like drugs i cant stop using. comfortable by john mayer is what i want...broken in, but flawless. i wish the one place that i called home was closer to me. someday i hope to live out my dreams...as they come. one day my dream-date will happen. i try and act like some things dont bother me. but sometimes trying isnt enough. i wish people thought of others more often. i like being "one of the guys," but i know that i really need to grow up. i sin a lot. i wish i could care more about things that matter. kenny, chad, johnny, clark and adam will always be missed. they are dead to me. people who ignore the truth hurt my senses. i often get lost in the things i think and cant get out. i blame everything on myself. pain really doesnt bother me. ive only cried for things that have hurt my heart like twice, ive only cried overall, like 8 times. ive been beat for 'not caring,' im a clumsy, clumsy person. the waves make me feel like everythings being washed away from me, my impurities dont matter anymore. im very self concious. the nights sky makes me excited (not like that) and my throat catch and makes my muscles twitch. the touch of a guys arm around my waist makes me relax and feel at home. being kissed on the nose or forhead is the cutest thing ever. i fall for guys i cant get or dont deserve. i wish i didnt feel like there was something i was always missing. i hope ill stop caring about these things. maybe, maybe someday, hope and wish will not be so often used by me. i know what i want in life, but dont know if i can handle it. im afraid of commitment, but want it badly. when sarah and i sat and smoked and talked about life and relationships i felt that i would never have what i wanted in one. i never want to come home to an empty apartment. i want that burning feeling in my heart and body when im around the person im dating. i never want to stop having nightmares. i wish i was smarter and didnt slack in middle school. i wonder if ive ruined my life so far, how many 'right' paths have i passed by. i love being alone, but not really. physically being alone is one of my favorite feelings ever, feeling like i have no one, hurts. i wish i was still innocent. maybe one day ill find someone who'll love to tell me how beautiful i am, even if he has to lie. football is my favorite sport to watch besides hockey. i love playing texas hold em, but its been awhile. i miss new smyrna and the way the summers were for me. they remind me of back home on ocean avenue. pool hopping is a fun past time for the hours between 12 and 5 am. there never has been a more silent time in my life than the night i went night surfing alone, ill never feel so whole and complete again. ive forgotten where the heart is. i like feeling pretty and being told so, no matter how conceited that sounds. i am a loud person, sometimes i wish i wasnt. ill never fit in, but really, ive stopped caring. i think ive almost found who i am, and that gives me hope. i know who i like, but i believe i scare them. ive never loved anything more than sitting on the ledge of a hotel and watching a lightning storm tear apart the sky, with somone who didnt feel the need for words, just the need to hold me and me hold him. i want someone to think of me as their only one, and to love me. i want to be comfortable with people that hate me. i dont want to be hated. i want to care, but know that by caring ill drive myself insane. i know that this entry will drive many insane, or atleast give you the idea that im insane. i know that no one can really think outside the box. no one is different. everyone is somewhat the same as someone else. everyone will love and lose, except those who die young, and to them i show my envy, becuz im sure their veiw from heaven beats the hell out of mine here. i believe that love at first sight does not exist, sometimes i question what love is. death knows it is welcome in my house, but refuses to pay a visit. i wish i could only express how much i dont care about people who stereotype and generalize others. i wish i didnt have this time to spill my thoughts on this Lj. i pray that someday, ill look back and laugh at myself, at how stupid and teenage-over-dramatic i was being, how completely overreactive and drama-queen i was being. but something inside me wishes i dont make it that long. i used to be optimistic, but that part of me died a while ago. i can be an asshole and an angel. annoying and calm...i dont know how i got so messed up. but really, i like it. one day, ill get what i deserve. which isnt much. much confusion, distrust, and helplessness-jen
by the way, props to the first person to name the cd i was listenin to when i wrote this...damnit eric, it should be you.