Goddam the liquor store is closed
Unfortunately I ask myself this after so much of what has happened, how could I have been so stupid? Its not that I feel sorry for myself because it is so much more than that. It's more along the lines of questioning when I am going to find someone I can trust, someone who does not have strings attached to them like distance or self destructive inevitability. I remember when things used to be different, when I was not so afraid of getting hurt or not even worried about any sort of relationship. That was before I met Wendy. While the situation couldn't have been more fucked up and backwards she was a good person, still is I think, and I don't know of any other person who could boldly be more honest than her. Still, something happened or changed that last part of my collegiate history at Pembroke. I had stopped talking to my parents, who seemed more inept than ever at being involved in my college life. Family members and friends were suffering from sort of terminal disease or crippling accident left and right, and yet through it all I was isolated, left to think about it on Friday nights with company of various sorts and beverages that lasted until you passed out. For the moment I had convinced myself I was in love with her, but it seemed like it was the only closure I could give myself having questioned my own thoughts and feelings through and through. I could not swallow my pride, only admit that I had been somehow betrayed with the understanding that while I had given consent, I did not think anyone in their right mind would take advantage of it. So I broke. Everything became an illusion, almost holographic. I was angry at anything. I picked up the bad character trait of lying, and became a mystery myself. And so I continued to damage my emotional health further by lying some more and eventually picked up drinking and seducing women as much as possible. No honors in bragging here, but within a month I had had sexual encounters with 5 different girls. In the prior two months I had aimlessly teased 2 others, causing somewhat of a stir of drama among colleagues. And then I met Renee, actually became attracted to her. She stood a little taller than me with long black hair and strutted an absolutely hilarious walk. I could not commit and she could not commit, and time had simply run out before we could confess our true feelings. But again, it seems that truth in my age has acquired a selective appeal to it, a temporary fit to describe situations, the truth is not something that lasts forever like I once thought it did. Come to find later that I had only been stroking this mysterious beauty's ego...but I will never know because all that Renee is or seems to be to me now is a lingering feeling, like a dream that you woke up from but really felt like it happened. She gave me the feeling you get when you try to hug someone because you truly mean to hug them, but they push you away. Now here I sit, the same place a year ago today when I was reading over my room assignment letter I received from Pembroke, typing away hypothetically of what had happened to me at that place. I still don't know. I left some good friends behind, but I also left behind a piece of me that did not need to die. Things change and I know eventually those things that I truly need will grow back...but I find it hard to believe that will happen anytime soon. Now I am on my own, with everything to pay for minus housing which will only allow me a year to prepare myself until I jump off into the real world completely. There are a very few, only two people to be exact that know all of my secrets, and that I would sincerely trust with my life. Yet soon I will stand alone again, waiting to experience and marvel at the things people will do to each other and see what kind of results are produced. There is another world I live in now and it is just as different as the prior, but now hopefully I will be able to truly see who is really capable of being and not acting. My goal this year is to rid myself of the heavy chip on my shoulder and catalyze the process I will have to go through to become a whole person again, not someone who's character is constantly questioned and mysterious.