(no subject)
It's been a while. Lots of things have happened. I really only dropped in to get a few thoughts out of my head before they break me. I'll fill in the gaps at some point but not right now.
This is the time of year I love/hate the most. In a perfect world, I would be somewhere cold, sipping cocoa and watching the snow fall. There would be a number of conditions present in my life that would be absent in fantasy-land. Alas, this is my life as I know it.
I am now three years into living on borrowed time. After being told the weekend before Thanksgiving 2003 that I had a year at the most, and that I should begin making final plans, I remain as alive as ever. Not that living is the problem, mind you, as I rather enjoy it. It's just the usual things that pop up this time of year that get to me. I hate being without a family. I think this year more than any other. I don't even have anyone to call on Christmas that I'm related to. I have wonderful people all over my life, no really, but it's just not the same. I have memories of these amazing Christmases past, and I'm scared like hell I will never see anything of the like again. What do I expect, though, being in the position I am in? Three years of wondering if this day is your last. Three years of living life like there's no end to it. Three years of never thinking about things that no one should ever have to think about.
"Look I find some of what you teach suspect, because I’m used to relying on intellect, but I try to open up to what I don’t know, because reason says I should have died three years ago... There’s only us. There’s only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way, no day but today..."
Well, that's better. Now that my annual bitch session is over I can put on my happy face and make it through the holidays. Although I must say this year's bitch session seems tame compared to those past. Maybe I'm mellowing in my old age. :)
This is the time of year I love/hate the most. In a perfect world, I would be somewhere cold, sipping cocoa and watching the snow fall. There would be a number of conditions present in my life that would be absent in fantasy-land. Alas, this is my life as I know it.
I am now three years into living on borrowed time. After being told the weekend before Thanksgiving 2003 that I had a year at the most, and that I should begin making final plans, I remain as alive as ever. Not that living is the problem, mind you, as I rather enjoy it. It's just the usual things that pop up this time of year that get to me. I hate being without a family. I think this year more than any other. I don't even have anyone to call on Christmas that I'm related to. I have wonderful people all over my life, no really, but it's just not the same. I have memories of these amazing Christmases past, and I'm scared like hell I will never see anything of the like again. What do I expect, though, being in the position I am in? Three years of wondering if this day is your last. Three years of living life like there's no end to it. Three years of never thinking about things that no one should ever have to think about.
"Look I find some of what you teach suspect, because I’m used to relying on intellect, but I try to open up to what I don’t know, because reason says I should have died three years ago... There’s only us. There’s only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way, no day but today..."
Well, that's better. Now that my annual bitch session is over I can put on my happy face and make it through the holidays. Although I must say this year's bitch session seems tame compared to those past. Maybe I'm mellowing in my old age. :)