read, last entry
alright guys, i really cant say for sure, but i think this is my last journal entry. why am i even writing this, i really dont fuckin know. i know more ppl read this then comment though, so what the hell. why not.
alright, so im not gunna bore you with my day but i do have some things to say.
drama is so ridiculous. i try to avoid it at all costs, but sometimes it feels like im stuck in a degrassi episode. i love the friends i have now. i feel like this is the place i need to be. i have been betrayed by one of the people i trusted most. i have been more heartbroken then i thought could ever be possible. i have cried until my throat hurt, and then some. and i am NOT one to cry. im not just saying that. many people who have known me forever have never seen me cry. i dont care what i say in this entry.
sometimes, and im sure most of you are aware of what i commented in a particular persons journal. i am actually sorry sometimes for what i had said. i cant help that, but all it takes is to think back on what was done to me, she who knew me most, who i trusted with my life, sneakily going behind my back and confirming what i worried about most, that i would lose my first love to my best friend.
i miss the friend i left behind. but then again, that person is gone. you are so different now. you have been ever since the summer. i dont miss that person one bit. a word of advice, the next time you find what the 3 of us had again, which could take some time, waht you, me, and alicia had, dont screw it up. a guy is rarely your boyfriend forever. friends are around alot longer then taht. i truly beleive in karma now. just look where you are. sure you have made new friends, but is it the same? this may seem quite ironic to you, but i hope you and dustin have a nice time going out. he's a different person now, so why should i be jealous. he looks like his old self, but in his eyes lies a completely different soul. i really dont care how stupid that sounded. i had the better deal. i loved him more then i thought was possible. we broke up when he started to change. now you've got him, but he's not the dustin i knew. he's not even himself. so how can i be jealous over a man that doesnt even exist anymore? i have my memories, and i will treasure them forever. theres a better guy out there for me, one that doesnt lie constantly to make himself look good. one more thing. i know you have had feelings for him, even when we were going out. you knew how hurt i was. it literally felt like each day i was dying. over and over again. i told you everything that was going on, all the things that were said, and yet you consoled him. i never said anything near to waht he had. id advise you to never do that to someone else. maybe if some months later, after the break up, you would have came to me, instead of going behind my back, completely disregarding my feelings or me at all for that matter, one of your best friends, and asked if it was all right to go out with him. i may still have been mad, but atleast you would have shown some regard for me, and maybe then we would all still be friends. as much as you probably would not admit it, i know you miss the old days. i know you miss being friends with us. i know you, or atleast i did. you might say that you would never want to be friends with us again after what we had said to you, however, all that was said was the truth. you just werent hearing it. it takes alot to get me to confront someone the way i did you. it takes alot to make me that crued and uncaring. i know a part of me will still care about you. we were friends for so long. but the old days are over, and theres a slim chance they'll ever come back. you say you dont care. but i honestly think you do. you said your world evolved around alicia, you said that you cared a lot for me and considered me a great friend, and now your world is gone. and the only friends you have you think you cant get close to. your boyfriend is on the rebound from your ex best friend whom he loved and whom she loved deeply. im not trying to be mean this time. im just saying what i feel.
dustin, i know that nothing will ever be the same. we had a phone conversation today. im sorry for what i said in the end, atleast a little sorry. i dont take back the last few words, but i know you still care for me. you said it yourself. back in the summer, you called me the love of your life, and i would say the same for you, or atleast my first true love. you said that all you ever wanted to do all summer was see me, and that goes the same for me. i know i never told you this, but i oculdnt bare to see you. i love you. i will always love you. i know that we will never be the same as we were, but i know that i always want to be your friend. i know you're going through a tough time right now. and i am there for you. i see you've moved on, and i can deal with that. ive moved on as well. not in the boyfriend sense, but as in the sense where i stopped thinking about you every second of the day, in the sense that when i think of you, i think of just a friend, a friend that i feel very deeply for--on the friend level. im not another nikki. i know you loved me. i know i loved you. what we had was more special then alot of highschool relationships, more special then alot of regular ones as well. its a relationship that is hard to match. whether or not either of us will find that again, i dont know when that will happen. you were everything to me. you were my world. you said that everyday in the summer you felt like crying when you thought of what you had lost? i felt the same. that day on the trampoline, at the end of the summer, i missed you to. the way you held me that last day, i couldnt stop thinking about it for along time. please, do something good for yourself and regain the old you. you know i have not changed. i am still cat, the cat you knew and the cat you know. i know ive been rude to you, but uh, its been going both ways. i cant help saying what i feel anymore. bottling is useless.
i now know who i can trust, who wont betray me in the end. alicia, you are my best friend. you are a true friend, and i am so extremely happy where everyone is now. you, julie, and kandace are toadilicious. and the art gang as well, plus all those other lunch ppl and ldskjfldkjfsljfkd. i dont really feel like writing anymore. halloween will be fun. im drawing becca and shea on metal. k bye
~cat~
alright, so im not gunna bore you with my day but i do have some things to say.
drama is so ridiculous. i try to avoid it at all costs, but sometimes it feels like im stuck in a degrassi episode. i love the friends i have now. i feel like this is the place i need to be. i have been betrayed by one of the people i trusted most. i have been more heartbroken then i thought could ever be possible. i have cried until my throat hurt, and then some. and i am NOT one to cry. im not just saying that. many people who have known me forever have never seen me cry. i dont care what i say in this entry.
sometimes, and im sure most of you are aware of what i commented in a particular persons journal. i am actually sorry sometimes for what i had said. i cant help that, but all it takes is to think back on what was done to me, she who knew me most, who i trusted with my life, sneakily going behind my back and confirming what i worried about most, that i would lose my first love to my best friend.
i miss the friend i left behind. but then again, that person is gone. you are so different now. you have been ever since the summer. i dont miss that person one bit. a word of advice, the next time you find what the 3 of us had again, which could take some time, waht you, me, and alicia had, dont screw it up. a guy is rarely your boyfriend forever. friends are around alot longer then taht. i truly beleive in karma now. just look where you are. sure you have made new friends, but is it the same? this may seem quite ironic to you, but i hope you and dustin have a nice time going out. he's a different person now, so why should i be jealous. he looks like his old self, but in his eyes lies a completely different soul. i really dont care how stupid that sounded. i had the better deal. i loved him more then i thought was possible. we broke up when he started to change. now you've got him, but he's not the dustin i knew. he's not even himself. so how can i be jealous over a man that doesnt even exist anymore? i have my memories, and i will treasure them forever. theres a better guy out there for me, one that doesnt lie constantly to make himself look good. one more thing. i know you have had feelings for him, even when we were going out. you knew how hurt i was. it literally felt like each day i was dying. over and over again. i told you everything that was going on, all the things that were said, and yet you consoled him. i never said anything near to waht he had. id advise you to never do that to someone else. maybe if some months later, after the break up, you would have came to me, instead of going behind my back, completely disregarding my feelings or me at all for that matter, one of your best friends, and asked if it was all right to go out with him. i may still have been mad, but atleast you would have shown some regard for me, and maybe then we would all still be friends. as much as you probably would not admit it, i know you miss the old days. i know you miss being friends with us. i know you, or atleast i did. you might say that you would never want to be friends with us again after what we had said to you, however, all that was said was the truth. you just werent hearing it. it takes alot to get me to confront someone the way i did you. it takes alot to make me that crued and uncaring. i know a part of me will still care about you. we were friends for so long. but the old days are over, and theres a slim chance they'll ever come back. you say you dont care. but i honestly think you do. you said your world evolved around alicia, you said that you cared a lot for me and considered me a great friend, and now your world is gone. and the only friends you have you think you cant get close to. your boyfriend is on the rebound from your ex best friend whom he loved and whom she loved deeply. im not trying to be mean this time. im just saying what i feel.
dustin, i know that nothing will ever be the same. we had a phone conversation today. im sorry for what i said in the end, atleast a little sorry. i dont take back the last few words, but i know you still care for me. you said it yourself. back in the summer, you called me the love of your life, and i would say the same for you, or atleast my first true love. you said that all you ever wanted to do all summer was see me, and that goes the same for me. i know i never told you this, but i oculdnt bare to see you. i love you. i will always love you. i know that we will never be the same as we were, but i know that i always want to be your friend. i know you're going through a tough time right now. and i am there for you. i see you've moved on, and i can deal with that. ive moved on as well. not in the boyfriend sense, but as in the sense where i stopped thinking about you every second of the day, in the sense that when i think of you, i think of just a friend, a friend that i feel very deeply for--on the friend level. im not another nikki. i know you loved me. i know i loved you. what we had was more special then alot of highschool relationships, more special then alot of regular ones as well. its a relationship that is hard to match. whether or not either of us will find that again, i dont know when that will happen. you were everything to me. you were my world. you said that everyday in the summer you felt like crying when you thought of what you had lost? i felt the same. that day on the trampoline, at the end of the summer, i missed you to. the way you held me that last day, i couldnt stop thinking about it for along time. please, do something good for yourself and regain the old you. you know i have not changed. i am still cat, the cat you knew and the cat you know. i know ive been rude to you, but uh, its been going both ways. i cant help saying what i feel anymore. bottling is useless.
i now know who i can trust, who wont betray me in the end. alicia, you are my best friend. you are a true friend, and i am so extremely happy where everyone is now. you, julie, and kandace are toadilicious. and the art gang as well, plus all those other lunch ppl and ldskjfldkjfsljfkd. i dont really feel like writing anymore. halloween will be fun. im drawing becca and shea on metal. k bye
~cat~