from the dead...
i wrote this on sUnday, after hearing your voice saturnday night...i wanted to bring it to you... [Sep. 12th, 2004]
instead, i'm writing it here, knowing you'll never see it. i think it's better that way. i just no longer believe that it matters if you know how i feel.
I REMEMBER EVERY SINGLE WORD YOU EVER SAID.
after calling you on saturnday, i just wanted to say, i'm so very, very, very sorry, because i realize now, how much you must truly hate me. that upon hearing the urgency and importance in my voice, that you couldn't even take the time or care to talk to me, to ask me what was so important that i felt a need to share it with YoU, mY fRiEnD. isn't that what friendship is about? that umbilical-cord connection that you might feel from even just talking to someone, as if they meet you, and fill you where your life was nourished from?
and however busy you are that you can't just reach out and see what was so important for me to feel i had to share it with you, to just take one minute to ask if i was okay, then that's fine and i completely understand. it's not like i'm crazy or trying to impose upon your life. all i ever asked for was a minute of your time. and all you ever said to me was "we need to catch up." and the very seldolm and few times i do talk to you isn't really enough time to know who you are, or for you to really understand why you fill my stomach, and why i say that i am your friend. eventually, it just becomes too long and too much to catch up. so the concept of being two individuals meeting in that sacred between space, where souls understand and complete each other, becomes unfeasable.
[i remember every single word you ever said.]
it's like what you said to me during that phone conversation we had last year, the day after the night at the battcave in rememberence of Eli-spring time change night 2003. i was talking to you on the phone outside of the former spellbound. while i believe you were refering to attempting to get in my pants, i don't think you understood i never meant nor wanted to go there at that time, it was never about owning or having ANY part of you; i thought i had met a true, deep friend, that's all. you said to me, "i don't think that we should be friends anymore." the thing is ____, you weren't really right but you weren't completely wrong. and me, all i tried to do was explain how real friendship goes deeper than that. i suppose what i should have said back to you was "i don't believe you ever truly WeRe my friend." and that's how it is now, ____. i am your friend so completely, i am totally there in that place for you, trying to hand over to you who i am to fill that pit of your stomach, even if only for a moment of understanding; but you're not there.
i'm not complaining _______, nor am i saying that there's anything wrong with the way that you are. all i'm saying is that you must either hate me so much, or you must be so busy with your life and have a million other friends in the world, where you really don't have time to be concerned -even for just a minute- about someone as unimportant as i must be.
i really hope you are a good person _______, and you don't end up taking this out on my sUn. he really loves you ____, and HE tRuLy considers you a friend; so please, by all means you are more than welcome to continue that child-like friendship you seem to have struck with him, whenever you so shall wish. my sUn has a beautiful memory,and i'm sure that he'll always remember the kindness and respect you gave to him. nothing i've said here means that i think you are a bad person. none of this means that you and i dislike or become angry with each other. it just simply means, that as much as i love your soul, you truly aren't someone i am ABLE to call mY fRiEnD.
instead, i'm writing it here, knowing you'll never see it. i think it's better that way. i just no longer believe that it matters if you know how i feel.
I REMEMBER EVERY SINGLE WORD YOU EVER SAID.
after calling you on saturnday, i just wanted to say, i'm so very, very, very sorry, because i realize now, how much you must truly hate me. that upon hearing the urgency and importance in my voice, that you couldn't even take the time or care to talk to me, to ask me what was so important that i felt a need to share it with YoU, mY fRiEnD. isn't that what friendship is about? that umbilical-cord connection that you might feel from even just talking to someone, as if they meet you, and fill you where your life was nourished from?
and however busy you are that you can't just reach out and see what was so important for me to feel i had to share it with you, to just take one minute to ask if i was okay, then that's fine and i completely understand. it's not like i'm crazy or trying to impose upon your life. all i ever asked for was a minute of your time. and all you ever said to me was "we need to catch up." and the very seldolm and few times i do talk to you isn't really enough time to know who you are, or for you to really understand why you fill my stomach, and why i say that i am your friend. eventually, it just becomes too long and too much to catch up. so the concept of being two individuals meeting in that sacred between space, where souls understand and complete each other, becomes unfeasable.
[i remember every single word you ever said.]
it's like what you said to me during that phone conversation we had last year, the day after the night at the battcave in rememberence of Eli-spring time change night 2003. i was talking to you on the phone outside of the former spellbound. while i believe you were refering to attempting to get in my pants, i don't think you understood i never meant nor wanted to go there at that time, it was never about owning or having ANY part of you; i thought i had met a true, deep friend, that's all. you said to me, "i don't think that we should be friends anymore." the thing is ____, you weren't really right but you weren't completely wrong. and me, all i tried to do was explain how real friendship goes deeper than that. i suppose what i should have said back to you was "i don't believe you ever truly WeRe my friend." and that's how it is now, ____. i am your friend so completely, i am totally there in that place for you, trying to hand over to you who i am to fill that pit of your stomach, even if only for a moment of understanding; but you're not there.
i'm not complaining _______, nor am i saying that there's anything wrong with the way that you are. all i'm saying is that you must either hate me so much, or you must be so busy with your life and have a million other friends in the world, where you really don't have time to be concerned -even for just a minute- about someone as unimportant as i must be.
i really hope you are a good person _______, and you don't end up taking this out on my sUn. he really loves you ____, and HE tRuLy considers you a friend; so please, by all means you are more than welcome to continue that child-like friendship you seem to have struck with him, whenever you so shall wish. my sUn has a beautiful memory,and i'm sure that he'll always remember the kindness and respect you gave to him. nothing i've said here means that i think you are a bad person. none of this means that you and i dislike or become angry with each other. it just simply means, that as much as i love your soul, you truly aren't someone i am ABLE to call mY fRiEnD.