Whispers and Promises VII
Title: Whispers and Promises VII
Author: 79_percent
Rating: PG-13
Form: Chaptered
Fandom: TVXQ
Pairing: JaeHo
Genre: Drama, Fluff, Angst
Whispers and Promises
VII. Tarnished Promises
For the next two consecutive nights, he found himself returning to the beach, hoping he could catch a glimpse of his friend that he had grown to miss. He had no idea where else he could chance upon JaeJoong, so he confined himself to that beach, that place that held their shared memories. He wandered aimlessly around the area for hours each night, praying, hoping; longing for the time when his wish would be granted before he had to return to Seoul, but he was disappointed when every time he had to return to his room with an empty heart.
That night, instead of hitting the beach, he made his way up that high cliff, looking at the beach under the wide wings of the ancient oak tree. He remembered how JaeJoong had mentioned about this place when he recited the princess and knight story, hoping that perhaps JaeJoong had wanted a change of environment and “waited” there instead of at the beach. He stood there for hours, his eyelids almost drooping when fatigue attacked his physique, and yet he saw no other soul save for himself. He had planned to return, disappointed again, just as the clock struck twelve. And that was when he caught something from his peripheral vision.
There, trudging on the beach where they usually met, was a figure with a very familiar red jacket.
He almost cheered, somehow knowing that the one he had been waiting for so long had finally appeared, but he noticed something amiss when instead of walking along the beach, he found JaeJoong turning to head for the sea. When it registered in his brain, he did not even give his mind ample time to process the information before making a mad dash down the hill and detoured back to the beach.
He willed his lead-like legs to run faster, to quickly shorten their distance, to get to the beach earlier before it was all too late. The more he neared, the more he was convinced that JaeJoong was planning to walk into the sea. And never come back. He felt his heart throb at the sight; he felt every cell in his body scream when he saw water lapping on JaeJoong’s dark pants, almost inviting the raven-haired boy to come closer, beckoning at him with its gentle pull. He called the other’s name, trying to wrench his attention, but his voice was unheeded.
By the time he reached there, JaeJoong was already so deep the water was at his waist-level. He quickly wadded his way across, ignoring his wet attire and turned JaeJoong around when he finally got hold of the other boy.
Shaking him hard on his shoulders, YunHo screamed, “JaeJoong! What are you-“
His voice faltered, his resolution dissolving. The only thing that kept him sane was the fact that JaeJoong was not walking deeper into the ocean anymore. There, bound and broken, looking back at him were a pair of bloodshot eyes and a tear-streaked face. The twin trails of silver down the contour of his porcelain-like cheeks were so obvious even under the dim moonlight that they stole the words from him.
“JaeJoong, wh- what’s wrong?” He braved himself to ask.
“He won’t come back...” JaeJoong whispered faintly; a distinct panic emerged from his normally calm tone. “He promised he would come back. But he didn’t. He wouldn’t anymore.”
“He?” YunHo asked, confused, still holding the resisting boy firmly in his grip. “He who?” When JaeJoong did not reply but only resumed his violent struggle, YunHo forced himself to be firm. “What did he do? Who’s he?”
“He...”
When JaeJoong did not look like he heard the question, YunHo shook the other harder. His sober mind was getting anxious when he felt the hysteria around JaeJoong heightening to its peak.
“Who’s he, JaeJoong?” He demanded, gripping those weak shoulders.
JaeJoong shook his head; he was breaking down at the pressure.
“Who is he?”
“E-estelle...”
The soft, almost lifeless answer struck lightning in his heart.
“I can’t live without him...” JaeJoong continued, his voice repeating the phrase like a broken radio. “I can’t live without him...”
“Jae- JaeJoong...” YunHo felt his eyes soften, not knowing how to react at the revelation, only holding the broken boy close to himself.
“Come with me, YunHo.” JaeJoong started slowly, suddenly; taking YunHo’s hand in his as he quietly disengaged himself out of the loose hug. There was something vice in the gentle voice that hoisted the dread embedded in YunHo’s mind.
“You said you’ll be my friend. You promised.”
YunHo felt the cold grip on his wrist. That was the first time he felt fear towards his friend.
“You look so much like him anyway,” JaeJoong pleaded, his voice getting fainter yet the fiendish tone seemed to intensify. He wiped a lone trail of tear, pulling YunHo deeper into the sea, further from ground. “Please come with me and be my Estelle. I don’t want to be alone anymore.”
YunHo protested, trying to drill sense into the other, even if deep inside, the sudden fear that emerged was making him tumble, both physically and psychologically.
“It’s not worth it, JaeJoong! It’s not worth killing yourself for someone who left! You deserve much better,” he cried, wrestling his arm away but to no avail. He was more than certain that if he did not wake JaeJoong up from his trance, they would end up a pair of forgotten souls in the deep sea.
“You will find someone better, trust me.”
JaeJoong shook his head at the words, another batch of tears welling up. The maniacal glint in his eyes persisted momentarily before disappearing and soon enough, YunHo recognised the usual light brown eyes he had grown so fond of.
“You don’t understand, YunHo-yah...” JaeJoong started. “You won’t understand.”
“Bullshit!” YunHo screamed again, a sudden wave of rage swept over him. “Like hell I don’t understand, JaeJoong. You’re the one who told me to fight for my love; you’re the one who told me that love won’t die that easily; you gave me hope to mend my relationship and now you’re trying to kill yourself over a broken heart?”
The anger seeped out as fast as it entered his senses.
“Don’t, JaeJoong. Please don’t’ kill yourself like this. It’s not worth it.” His voice broke in desperation. “You lost him, but you still have me. I promised I’ll be your friend right? And friends are supposed to stick by each other especially at times like this. Please... Let me help you...”
JaeJoong shook his head again, releasing his hold.
“You still have something to fight for,” the raven-haired boy spoke softly, wrestling his arms away from YunHo’s strong grip. “I don’t. And you can’t help me.” JaeJoong bit his quivering lower lip. “Not anymore.”
“I don’t belong here, YunHo-yah...” He whispered as he turned and walked deeper into the dark ocean, a hint of sadness in his voice.
YunHo had wanted to argue, to refute the assertion but before he had the chance, JaeJoong’s whisper wafted in the air, ticking his ears with its feather-like touch. It made him stop.
“Sometimes, I would come to this beach, looking far into the night. And I would sit and stare, reminiscing the only one love I could never have, the only one star I could never get.”
YunHo heard JaeJoong recount in his soft voice that seemed to resonate in his ears.
“Sometimes I wonder if I wished hard enough, if I prayed hard enough, if I fought hard enough, vehement enough, would Lord grant me you?”
A strange feeling of déjà vu engulfed his being. The words bounced off the walls of his cerebral space in a helix, creating spirals in his brain.
“But if I leaving would mean a better life for you, then I would. I would do anything for you, only to let you know how I feel for you. I love you.”
YunHo was surprised enough that JaeJoong had recited that letter he had chanced upon that night they first met and hence, when the latter looked at him, forlorn, forsaken, and continued, as if answering the confession while speaking to him, his astonishment was unveiled.
“But you never knew that your departure wouldn’t make me happier. I couldn’t live if you aren’t here by my side. There’s no meaning in going on if we aren’t together. I would do anything for you, only to let you know how I feel for you. I love you too.”
“No, JaeJoong, please, don’t,” YunHo urged, despair filled his voice when he noticed the inevitable from the way the other had put his words across. He tried to grab his friend again, but the other seemed to elude him with an ethereal grace. JaeJoong only paused to turn and gave him a smile, one that showed finality and resignation.
Why did that foreboding feeling he had a few nights ago begin to intensify at that smile?
YunHo shook his head in denial, noticing his vain attempt. “I don’t understand...”
JaeJoong placed a faint hand on his cheek, lightly caressing the soft skin. YunHo felt all the alarm in his systems going out of control when he could, somehow, see through the hand on his face. He must be hallucinating, this could not be happening.
“I love you, too, YunHo-yah...” JaeJoong whispered; something parallel to regret appeared in his liquid brown eyes, making YunHo’s heart hurt at the sight. “I’m sorry...”
“No...” YunHo protested, trying to get hold of his slowly retreating companion.
“YunHo-hyung! What are you doing standing in the middle of the ocean alone like that?”
YunHo turned to see his three closest friends at the shore, yelling at him. YooChun was already making his way across the water towards him. Their words thundered in his mind, making the trepidation in his heart ascend rapidly.
Alone?
When he turned back, there was no one in front of him. JaeJoong was gone. He was, indeed, alone.
“How could that be?” He whispered to himself, unwilling to believe his eyes as he trashed about, still trying to retrieve any remnants of the black-haired boy. “This is not happening... This is not happening to me...
”This is not a story. This is not fiction. This is my life. How could he disappear just like that?”
By the time he could control himself, YunHo had realised his futile effort, somehow knowing that JaeJoong was gone from his life.
His blurred eyes caught a bright glint of something on the surface of water beside his worn out physique, forcing him to look down. He had to strain to finally recognise the silver item as a forgotten chain with a whistle-like pendant. It took him a short time to identify the pendant as the same one that was signature to JaeJoong for he had been watching him wear it for so long. He felt his heart wrench again at the memory.
Forcing the maelstrom of emotion in his mind to subside, YunHo cupped his hand, intending to bring the chain to his possession. When he just managed to lift it off the water, at that same instant silver completely left cobalt blue, YunHo could only stare when the article blended with its surroundings and disappeared into thin air, just like its possessor.
There and then, unable to hold on any longer, he broke down.
As he felt himself fall, two faces began to appear in his hazy vision; the first from his recent memory, the other from his past, one overlapping the other. They intertwined, mingling in such an intricate blend until they were completely superimposed on each other to finally form a face that he had loved with his heart all this while.
The last thing he remembered before darkness enveloped him was a distinct voice calling his name. He reached out towards the sweet voice murmuring his name. As he sensed his eyes beginning to close, he mustered the last of his energy and returned the call.
JaeJoong-ah...
"Whispers and Promises"
Part VII
-end-
Previous chapters can be found here.
Author: 79_percent
Rating: PG-13
Form: Chaptered
Fandom: TVXQ
Pairing: JaeHo
Genre: Drama, Fluff, Angst
Whispers and Promises
VII. Tarnished Promises
For the next two consecutive nights, he found himself returning to the beach, hoping he could catch a glimpse of his friend that he had grown to miss. He had no idea where else he could chance upon JaeJoong, so he confined himself to that beach, that place that held their shared memories. He wandered aimlessly around the area for hours each night, praying, hoping; longing for the time when his wish would be granted before he had to return to Seoul, but he was disappointed when every time he had to return to his room with an empty heart.
That night, instead of hitting the beach, he made his way up that high cliff, looking at the beach under the wide wings of the ancient oak tree. He remembered how JaeJoong had mentioned about this place when he recited the princess and knight story, hoping that perhaps JaeJoong had wanted a change of environment and “waited” there instead of at the beach. He stood there for hours, his eyelids almost drooping when fatigue attacked his physique, and yet he saw no other soul save for himself. He had planned to return, disappointed again, just as the clock struck twelve. And that was when he caught something from his peripheral vision.
There, trudging on the beach where they usually met, was a figure with a very familiar red jacket.
He almost cheered, somehow knowing that the one he had been waiting for so long had finally appeared, but he noticed something amiss when instead of walking along the beach, he found JaeJoong turning to head for the sea. When it registered in his brain, he did not even give his mind ample time to process the information before making a mad dash down the hill and detoured back to the beach.
He willed his lead-like legs to run faster, to quickly shorten their distance, to get to the beach earlier before it was all too late. The more he neared, the more he was convinced that JaeJoong was planning to walk into the sea. And never come back. He felt his heart throb at the sight; he felt every cell in his body scream when he saw water lapping on JaeJoong’s dark pants, almost inviting the raven-haired boy to come closer, beckoning at him with its gentle pull. He called the other’s name, trying to wrench his attention, but his voice was unheeded.
By the time he reached there, JaeJoong was already so deep the water was at his waist-level. He quickly wadded his way across, ignoring his wet attire and turned JaeJoong around when he finally got hold of the other boy.
Shaking him hard on his shoulders, YunHo screamed, “JaeJoong! What are you-“
His voice faltered, his resolution dissolving. The only thing that kept him sane was the fact that JaeJoong was not walking deeper into the ocean anymore. There, bound and broken, looking back at him were a pair of bloodshot eyes and a tear-streaked face. The twin trails of silver down the contour of his porcelain-like cheeks were so obvious even under the dim moonlight that they stole the words from him.
“JaeJoong, wh- what’s wrong?” He braved himself to ask.
“He won’t come back...” JaeJoong whispered faintly; a distinct panic emerged from his normally calm tone. “He promised he would come back. But he didn’t. He wouldn’t anymore.”
“He?” YunHo asked, confused, still holding the resisting boy firmly in his grip. “He who?” When JaeJoong did not reply but only resumed his violent struggle, YunHo forced himself to be firm. “What did he do? Who’s he?”
“He...”
When JaeJoong did not look like he heard the question, YunHo shook the other harder. His sober mind was getting anxious when he felt the hysteria around JaeJoong heightening to its peak.
“Who’s he, JaeJoong?” He demanded, gripping those weak shoulders.
JaeJoong shook his head; he was breaking down at the pressure.
“Who is he?”
“E-estelle...”
The soft, almost lifeless answer struck lightning in his heart.
“I can’t live without him...” JaeJoong continued, his voice repeating the phrase like a broken radio. “I can’t live without him...”
“Jae- JaeJoong...” YunHo felt his eyes soften, not knowing how to react at the revelation, only holding the broken boy close to himself.
“Come with me, YunHo.” JaeJoong started slowly, suddenly; taking YunHo’s hand in his as he quietly disengaged himself out of the loose hug. There was something vice in the gentle voice that hoisted the dread embedded in YunHo’s mind.
“You said you’ll be my friend. You promised.”
YunHo felt the cold grip on his wrist. That was the first time he felt fear towards his friend.
“You look so much like him anyway,” JaeJoong pleaded, his voice getting fainter yet the fiendish tone seemed to intensify. He wiped a lone trail of tear, pulling YunHo deeper into the sea, further from ground. “Please come with me and be my Estelle. I don’t want to be alone anymore.”
YunHo protested, trying to drill sense into the other, even if deep inside, the sudden fear that emerged was making him tumble, both physically and psychologically.
“It’s not worth it, JaeJoong! It’s not worth killing yourself for someone who left! You deserve much better,” he cried, wrestling his arm away but to no avail. He was more than certain that if he did not wake JaeJoong up from his trance, they would end up a pair of forgotten souls in the deep sea.
“You will find someone better, trust me.”
JaeJoong shook his head at the words, another batch of tears welling up. The maniacal glint in his eyes persisted momentarily before disappearing and soon enough, YunHo recognised the usual light brown eyes he had grown so fond of.
“You don’t understand, YunHo-yah...” JaeJoong started. “You won’t understand.”
“Bullshit!” YunHo screamed again, a sudden wave of rage swept over him. “Like hell I don’t understand, JaeJoong. You’re the one who told me to fight for my love; you’re the one who told me that love won’t die that easily; you gave me hope to mend my relationship and now you’re trying to kill yourself over a broken heart?”
The anger seeped out as fast as it entered his senses.
“Don’t, JaeJoong. Please don’t’ kill yourself like this. It’s not worth it.” His voice broke in desperation. “You lost him, but you still have me. I promised I’ll be your friend right? And friends are supposed to stick by each other especially at times like this. Please... Let me help you...”
JaeJoong shook his head again, releasing his hold.
“You still have something to fight for,” the raven-haired boy spoke softly, wrestling his arms away from YunHo’s strong grip. “I don’t. And you can’t help me.” JaeJoong bit his quivering lower lip. “Not anymore.”
“I don’t belong here, YunHo-yah...” He whispered as he turned and walked deeper into the dark ocean, a hint of sadness in his voice.
YunHo had wanted to argue, to refute the assertion but before he had the chance, JaeJoong’s whisper wafted in the air, ticking his ears with its feather-like touch. It made him stop.
“Sometimes, I would come to this beach, looking far into the night. And I would sit and stare, reminiscing the only one love I could never have, the only one star I could never get.”
YunHo heard JaeJoong recount in his soft voice that seemed to resonate in his ears.
“Sometimes I wonder if I wished hard enough, if I prayed hard enough, if I fought hard enough, vehement enough, would Lord grant me you?”
A strange feeling of déjà vu engulfed his being. The words bounced off the walls of his cerebral space in a helix, creating spirals in his brain.
“But if I leaving would mean a better life for you, then I would. I would do anything for you, only to let you know how I feel for you. I love you.”
YunHo was surprised enough that JaeJoong had recited that letter he had chanced upon that night they first met and hence, when the latter looked at him, forlorn, forsaken, and continued, as if answering the confession while speaking to him, his astonishment was unveiled.
“But you never knew that your departure wouldn’t make me happier. I couldn’t live if you aren’t here by my side. There’s no meaning in going on if we aren’t together. I would do anything for you, only to let you know how I feel for you. I love you too.”
“No, JaeJoong, please, don’t,” YunHo urged, despair filled his voice when he noticed the inevitable from the way the other had put his words across. He tried to grab his friend again, but the other seemed to elude him with an ethereal grace. JaeJoong only paused to turn and gave him a smile, one that showed finality and resignation.
Why did that foreboding feeling he had a few nights ago begin to intensify at that smile?
YunHo shook his head in denial, noticing his vain attempt. “I don’t understand...”
JaeJoong placed a faint hand on his cheek, lightly caressing the soft skin. YunHo felt all the alarm in his systems going out of control when he could, somehow, see through the hand on his face. He must be hallucinating, this could not be happening.
“I love you, too, YunHo-yah...” JaeJoong whispered; something parallel to regret appeared in his liquid brown eyes, making YunHo’s heart hurt at the sight. “I’m sorry...”
“No...” YunHo protested, trying to get hold of his slowly retreating companion.
“YunHo-hyung! What are you doing standing in the middle of the ocean alone like that?”
YunHo turned to see his three closest friends at the shore, yelling at him. YooChun was already making his way across the water towards him. Their words thundered in his mind, making the trepidation in his heart ascend rapidly.
Alone?
When he turned back, there was no one in front of him. JaeJoong was gone. He was, indeed, alone.
“How could that be?” He whispered to himself, unwilling to believe his eyes as he trashed about, still trying to retrieve any remnants of the black-haired boy. “This is not happening... This is not happening to me...
”This is not a story. This is not fiction. This is my life. How could he disappear just like that?”
By the time he could control himself, YunHo had realised his futile effort, somehow knowing that JaeJoong was gone from his life.
His blurred eyes caught a bright glint of something on the surface of water beside his worn out physique, forcing him to look down. He had to strain to finally recognise the silver item as a forgotten chain with a whistle-like pendant. It took him a short time to identify the pendant as the same one that was signature to JaeJoong for he had been watching him wear it for so long. He felt his heart wrench again at the memory.
Forcing the maelstrom of emotion in his mind to subside, YunHo cupped his hand, intending to bring the chain to his possession. When he just managed to lift it off the water, at that same instant silver completely left cobalt blue, YunHo could only stare when the article blended with its surroundings and disappeared into thin air, just like its possessor.
There and then, unable to hold on any longer, he broke down.
As he felt himself fall, two faces began to appear in his hazy vision; the first from his recent memory, the other from his past, one overlapping the other. They intertwined, mingling in such an intricate blend until they were completely superimposed on each other to finally form a face that he had loved with his heart all this while.
The last thing he remembered before darkness enveloped him was a distinct voice calling his name. He reached out towards the sweet voice murmuring his name. As he sensed his eyes beginning to close, he mustered the last of his energy and returned the call.
JaeJoong-ah...
"Whispers and Promises"
Part VII
-end-
Previous chapters can be found here.