(no subject)
What am I looking for in life? I really don't know. Maybe the answer lies in that sentence alone - LIFE. I am looking for a LIFE. Merely living, consuming oxygen, working to pay the rent and the bills surely cannot be called living. That is merely existing. I realize and recognize that I am so privileged, and my life in general has been so much better than a larger portion of humanity. Yet I crave and desire more. In the light of one's newfound recognition of personal mortality, the shedding of the belief of invincibility and the sinking dawning of realization that life is indeed quite short... I wonder at times how unfulfilled a life I have lived should I die tomorrow. And given that my health is not in good shape at all... I honestly, sincerely wonder if I will die with much regret. And maybe that is what drives me. To do things that make me feel ALIVE.
Perhaps a large portion of research and studies I have done in this lifetime, and all the thinking that I do on a regular analysis paralysis basis lead me to the conclusion that I am examining my life as much as possible. Many things are changing. The time of the 21st century thus far has been one period massive change. The pace of change is accelerating, and the rules that applied one generation ago no longer seem to hold steady with our generation - much less the generation that is to come. Already at church I feel old, with the teens and youth actually being half my age, wearing school uniforms, in secondary school or just starting their JC days. Something about life tells me that time has passed by all too quickly, and before I know it, I will be old, grave and sunken in with regret and a deep sense of nostalgia. Oh wait, it has already happened. I look in the mirro and wonder if this person really is me. I think to myself how come everyone I know is getting married, and it feels like I'm just getting out of adolescence... a phase that I don't ever want to leave. And why is it that my search for God for so long has come up with little more than fine sand in between my fingers on an endless beach.
I think too much. I don't even know what love is. I don't even know what faith really is. I don't think I can truly comprehend the meaning of suffering. I am aimless, lost and directionless in my life - taking every whim and fancy, unwilling to give into the reality of constraints that exist in this lifetime. In a different life, I would be a doctor researching the best ways to boost the lot of the bottom billion people in the world with revolutionary breakthroughs in global public health. It is still my hope and remains a steadfast desire of my heart to utilize all my intellectual and thinking capacity in the hopes of coming forth with a research breakthrough that can be applied to peoples from all across the globe. As this world becomes literally more globalized and flatter, the ethics that once ordained a physical separation have become increasingly difficult to justify. Then again, I am in the tiny minority of people with left leaning views that are probably too left leaning for almost anyone on this side of the planet, and that I am privileged enough to spend my life thinking, philosophizing and pondering these difficult questions.
I remain doubtful about my future. One thing is for sure is that I'd like to go back to school, and as much as I love biology and know that it will be a most excellent stepping stone with the potential to head on to medical school later on. Not in this lifetime I guess. I don't have the time, the money, the intellect or the ability to pull through 10 years of such a thing. I think the most reasonable thing I can do is to pursue a masters either in International Relations, so that I can be part of the whole policy wonk, foreign affairs and global diplomacy thing that would be an ideal education for a cosmopolitan person. But yet the discipline of history seems to be drawing me closer each day. I am intensely interested in Early Christianity, the Abrahamic Religions, the Great East-West Schism of Christianity, the Crusades and how life was like in medieval times, as well as up to the middle ages. But I don't know. Maybe I'll do a master's in history and then a doctorate in international relations. And then go teach, be an advisor, consult or work somewhere with use. Or maybe I'll just live a simple life.
For the most part, I want my life to be as simple as possible - that is why I have stressed and desired transparency throughout all circles of my life - thereby a person who knows me in one social aspect of my life gets pretty much exactly the same experience of knowing me at a personality standpoint as a person I meet in another social aspect of life. This search for genuinity is perhaps one of those constant endeavors of my life. To be true to all who walk into my life. I am blessed in this lifetime to have met so many people, but sadly I only know them at a shallow level. Despite my best efforts, I am only close to a tiny handful of people. Even though I know so many people, I feel like it would be a major problem to fill up a requisite number of tables at my wedding, if I do ever get married. All I want is a simple life, a simple living condition, simple possessions and friends that are simply true. Because genuine, proven friends are extremely rare in this lifetime. People who have proven characters or personalities are indeed hard to come by and I say this even within the context of the church. Perhaps it is this innate desire to crave for the truth and I guess what is simple tends to be true... and that is why I desire simplicity in so many aspects of my life. Less distraction, less drama, and the capacity to focus on what is most important - "figuring life out"
I still have many dreams - traveling the world, completing an endurance event, meeting people from different cultures and backgrounds, capturing the beauty of the world, as well as the very nature of the human experience throughout the nations, and then to see, experience and feel the lives that people live. In a bad way in Mortal Kombat terminology - its like Being Shang Tsung, a little bit of everyone, but never really knowing who he really is. It doesn't help that I am naturally suspicious of people - until they are "proven worthy" and that I have little issues being alone and doing my own thing. But I guess its true - no man is an island, and it is not good for a man to be alone. Maybe then my life is best expressed in writing, photography and talking deeply with friends. For me, that seems to be the most cathartic way to "get my conclusions out there" and also perhaps to actually gain some form of fellowship with others. But I don't know.
It seems like money is the most important thing in many people's lives. And I can imagine it so. When one doesn't have a lot of money, life is hard and the desire is there. Money tends to grant security and it is a good servant - although quite a terrible master. A good friend of mine says that I am not a person who loves money. Like I know it is important, that I can do much good with it if properly directed and merely amplifies the desires of my heart. Its nice to have a lot of money because it buys freedom - freedom to travel, to engage in the latest revelries, and almost seems to buy a "better life" whatever that means - nicer clothes, faster cars, better houses, a higher end social circle, better medical care, opportunities to travel the world and so on. But, deep inside my heart... its nice to have those things, but to me it strangely does not qualify to be a better life examined and lived. It almost seems to lean upon materialism, conspicuous consumption and the approval of others based on material possessions as a basis towards formulating this sort of existence. So what makes a great life? I'd say it would be rich experiences, someone to truly love, proven friends and being financially secure enough to enjoy life, live freely, yet to never lose sight of the lives of others. Its like being grounded in reality even as one's sensations and perception soar to the heights of the heavens with all the experiences that come forth.
Thus to LIVE, one has to be ALIVE. One has to live A LIFE. I agree that the greatest instrument one will ever own is one's own body. Not to love or to adore. But to use it every way one can. Because there will come a time when the body will finally breakdown and fall apart, and then death will claim us. My only hope is that if I lose my physical capabilities much much later in life, that I will still have a strong mind - like my 90+ year old Nobel Prize winning professor... who could still pick out the rubbish we spouted out in class and could soundly defeat us in an intellectual debate with one swell quote or conclusion. God willing, if I pass on, I pray that it will be peaceful, painless and the Lord Himself will receive me. Although to be totally honest, I'm not sure if I will finish the race, or that something I've done or said or though in my past will not trip me up. That path to heaven is narrow indeed and I tell God honestly in my prayers that "I don't think I'll be one of those who will find the narrow gate." based in the idea that if so and so could not do it - then what hope do I even have.
I don't know much about my own salvation. Its surely filled with much fear and trembling, but as for working it out - I am clueless or for the most part, rather useless. Maybe there is nothing that I can do - God has indeed predestined some to be saved, and the rest to be damned eternally. All I know of is of God, but do I actually know God. I guess then the answer is no. After all, Jesus Himself says that *many* will say unto Him "Lord Lord...." and He will reply "I never knew you..." so well... It has always puzzled me somewhat how God can create a person and know that person in all aspects, and yet say the He does not know that person on the day of judgment. But I guess, that's just me pondering. I think too much, and there is no one who can answer my questions with certainty. All there remains is great doubt. In many ways, I have seriously considered marrying a non-Christian, since I basically fail all the standard tests of spirituality that pretty much any girl in church would desire in a husband. It cuts my heart, pierces my spirituality and crushes my mind that a non believing girl would be better for me. At least, hopefully, she would be less judgmental about such things. I still believe that I have the capacity to love another with all my heart. But will I ever find someone? I can't really do the hopeless romantic thing - yet why does it seem that all girls want at BAMFs? i.e: Bad Ass Mother Fucker? With a lot of money? And no one wants a simple love? I thought someone who loved you unconditionally and simply is a great thing. Oh well.
Perhaps a large portion of research and studies I have done in this lifetime, and all the thinking that I do on a regular analysis paralysis basis lead me to the conclusion that I am examining my life as much as possible. Many things are changing. The time of the 21st century thus far has been one period massive change. The pace of change is accelerating, and the rules that applied one generation ago no longer seem to hold steady with our generation - much less the generation that is to come. Already at church I feel old, with the teens and youth actually being half my age, wearing school uniforms, in secondary school or just starting their JC days. Something about life tells me that time has passed by all too quickly, and before I know it, I will be old, grave and sunken in with regret and a deep sense of nostalgia. Oh wait, it has already happened. I look in the mirro and wonder if this person really is me. I think to myself how come everyone I know is getting married, and it feels like I'm just getting out of adolescence... a phase that I don't ever want to leave. And why is it that my search for God for so long has come up with little more than fine sand in between my fingers on an endless beach.
I think too much. I don't even know what love is. I don't even know what faith really is. I don't think I can truly comprehend the meaning of suffering. I am aimless, lost and directionless in my life - taking every whim and fancy, unwilling to give into the reality of constraints that exist in this lifetime. In a different life, I would be a doctor researching the best ways to boost the lot of the bottom billion people in the world with revolutionary breakthroughs in global public health. It is still my hope and remains a steadfast desire of my heart to utilize all my intellectual and thinking capacity in the hopes of coming forth with a research breakthrough that can be applied to peoples from all across the globe. As this world becomes literally more globalized and flatter, the ethics that once ordained a physical separation have become increasingly difficult to justify. Then again, I am in the tiny minority of people with left leaning views that are probably too left leaning for almost anyone on this side of the planet, and that I am privileged enough to spend my life thinking, philosophizing and pondering these difficult questions.
I remain doubtful about my future. One thing is for sure is that I'd like to go back to school, and as much as I love biology and know that it will be a most excellent stepping stone with the potential to head on to medical school later on. Not in this lifetime I guess. I don't have the time, the money, the intellect or the ability to pull through 10 years of such a thing. I think the most reasonable thing I can do is to pursue a masters either in International Relations, so that I can be part of the whole policy wonk, foreign affairs and global diplomacy thing that would be an ideal education for a cosmopolitan person. But yet the discipline of history seems to be drawing me closer each day. I am intensely interested in Early Christianity, the Abrahamic Religions, the Great East-West Schism of Christianity, the Crusades and how life was like in medieval times, as well as up to the middle ages. But I don't know. Maybe I'll do a master's in history and then a doctorate in international relations. And then go teach, be an advisor, consult or work somewhere with use. Or maybe I'll just live a simple life.
For the most part, I want my life to be as simple as possible - that is why I have stressed and desired transparency throughout all circles of my life - thereby a person who knows me in one social aspect of my life gets pretty much exactly the same experience of knowing me at a personality standpoint as a person I meet in another social aspect of life. This search for genuinity is perhaps one of those constant endeavors of my life. To be true to all who walk into my life. I am blessed in this lifetime to have met so many people, but sadly I only know them at a shallow level. Despite my best efforts, I am only close to a tiny handful of people. Even though I know so many people, I feel like it would be a major problem to fill up a requisite number of tables at my wedding, if I do ever get married. All I want is a simple life, a simple living condition, simple possessions and friends that are simply true. Because genuine, proven friends are extremely rare in this lifetime. People who have proven characters or personalities are indeed hard to come by and I say this even within the context of the church. Perhaps it is this innate desire to crave for the truth and I guess what is simple tends to be true... and that is why I desire simplicity in so many aspects of my life. Less distraction, less drama, and the capacity to focus on what is most important - "figuring life out"
I still have many dreams - traveling the world, completing an endurance event, meeting people from different cultures and backgrounds, capturing the beauty of the world, as well as the very nature of the human experience throughout the nations, and then to see, experience and feel the lives that people live. In a bad way in Mortal Kombat terminology - its like Being Shang Tsung, a little bit of everyone, but never really knowing who he really is. It doesn't help that I am naturally suspicious of people - until they are "proven worthy" and that I have little issues being alone and doing my own thing. But I guess its true - no man is an island, and it is not good for a man to be alone. Maybe then my life is best expressed in writing, photography and talking deeply with friends. For me, that seems to be the most cathartic way to "get my conclusions out there" and also perhaps to actually gain some form of fellowship with others. But I don't know.
It seems like money is the most important thing in many people's lives. And I can imagine it so. When one doesn't have a lot of money, life is hard and the desire is there. Money tends to grant security and it is a good servant - although quite a terrible master. A good friend of mine says that I am not a person who loves money. Like I know it is important, that I can do much good with it if properly directed and merely amplifies the desires of my heart. Its nice to have a lot of money because it buys freedom - freedom to travel, to engage in the latest revelries, and almost seems to buy a "better life" whatever that means - nicer clothes, faster cars, better houses, a higher end social circle, better medical care, opportunities to travel the world and so on. But, deep inside my heart... its nice to have those things, but to me it strangely does not qualify to be a better life examined and lived. It almost seems to lean upon materialism, conspicuous consumption and the approval of others based on material possessions as a basis towards formulating this sort of existence. So what makes a great life? I'd say it would be rich experiences, someone to truly love, proven friends and being financially secure enough to enjoy life, live freely, yet to never lose sight of the lives of others. Its like being grounded in reality even as one's sensations and perception soar to the heights of the heavens with all the experiences that come forth.
Thus to LIVE, one has to be ALIVE. One has to live A LIFE. I agree that the greatest instrument one will ever own is one's own body. Not to love or to adore. But to use it every way one can. Because there will come a time when the body will finally breakdown and fall apart, and then death will claim us. My only hope is that if I lose my physical capabilities much much later in life, that I will still have a strong mind - like my 90+ year old Nobel Prize winning professor... who could still pick out the rubbish we spouted out in class and could soundly defeat us in an intellectual debate with one swell quote or conclusion. God willing, if I pass on, I pray that it will be peaceful, painless and the Lord Himself will receive me. Although to be totally honest, I'm not sure if I will finish the race, or that something I've done or said or though in my past will not trip me up. That path to heaven is narrow indeed and I tell God honestly in my prayers that "I don't think I'll be one of those who will find the narrow gate." based in the idea that if so and so could not do it - then what hope do I even have.
I don't know much about my own salvation. Its surely filled with much fear and trembling, but as for working it out - I am clueless or for the most part, rather useless. Maybe there is nothing that I can do - God has indeed predestined some to be saved, and the rest to be damned eternally. All I know of is of God, but do I actually know God. I guess then the answer is no. After all, Jesus Himself says that *many* will say unto Him "Lord Lord...." and He will reply "I never knew you..." so well... It has always puzzled me somewhat how God can create a person and know that person in all aspects, and yet say the He does not know that person on the day of judgment. But I guess, that's just me pondering. I think too much, and there is no one who can answer my questions with certainty. All there remains is great doubt. In many ways, I have seriously considered marrying a non-Christian, since I basically fail all the standard tests of spirituality that pretty much any girl in church would desire in a husband. It cuts my heart, pierces my spirituality and crushes my mind that a non believing girl would be better for me. At least, hopefully, she would be less judgmental about such things. I still believe that I have the capacity to love another with all my heart. But will I ever find someone? I can't really do the hopeless romantic thing - yet why does it seem that all girls want at BAMFs? i.e: Bad Ass Mother Fucker? With a lot of money? And no one wants a simple love? I thought someone who loved you unconditionally and simply is a great thing. Oh well.