(no subject)
im so over that past entry. not really but i dont want to think about it at all.
yesterday i was snowed in so i couldnt really go anywhere to get anything done right? well im confused. my mom yelled at me for not looking for a job. but i wasnt allowed to drive anywhere. and everytime i try to find one sans leaving the house, they think its bullshit. i had no idea what she wanted from me.
and the reason i dont talk to her about how im feeling is cuz i seriously fear her giving up on me, and i dont want my parents to have to deal with me anymore. so i just keep away from them when im feeling depressed. but of course she had to push my buttons. i was getting ready for sam and john to pick me up. and she says exactly what i couldnt bear to hear " my patience is gone. you know. im tired of this feeling sorry for yourself, mopping around..................."i didnt even hear the rest. it hurt so bad to hear that thats what she thinks. im not feeling sorry for myself at all im feeling sorry for anyone who has to deal with this shit im going through which is why, my friends, i have pulled away.. and thats the God honest truth. so i turned around and went to my room and tried not to violently flip out. then she follows me in and im honestly ready to get in a fight with her i was so mad.i had never shook out of anger but i was.
but she kept going "you sleep ALL day and you never do anything productive. YOU HAVENT DONE ANYTHING SINCE HIGHSCHOOL. YOUVE GOTTEN WORSE SINCE THEN. YOUR NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH YOUR LIFE YOUR PATHETIC IM SICK OF IT." wow..exactly what i had been thinking all day and crying about and trying to figure out what to do. thanx mom. thanx alot. i dont sleep all day by the way and it pisses me off that she thinks that, i just happen to need a nap around 5 when she gets home cuz alot of times i dont sleep at night cuz for some reason i just cant rest. so that adds up to i sleep all day long. ugh. but yeah she really hurt me she said more but i dont wanna even repeat it. she was being so mean. and i told her how i feel guilty for being alive b/c i dont wanna burden her. i told her things she didnt know, like how i am looking for a job, jus tnot the kinda job her and my dad think of. which is restuarant work, cuz oooo man thats the only job out there to them. and how i dont talk to her cuz im afraid she'll get sick of me like she just confirmed and i don wanna be a burden to her and she has proved that she wont understand and doesnt want to understand. basically it seems to me shes worried what her friends will think of her if she has a daughter whose been struggling for so long. i apologized today but i dont think i needed to. she hurt me so bad.
so last night i drank, i shouldnt have but i did, and i was joking around in my head like.."ha it would be great if i got alchohol poisoning".
and what was icing on this whole depressed angry sick of it all cake,was sam told me this story how there was this family, the mom was extremely depressed, her two sons were having problems. well the mom killed herself and the boys became better cuz her depression was effecting them so much. heh....i know she didnt realize it, but wow. im not even goign to say what i was thinking after that. if i wasnt afraid of what comes after death, and didnt care about the fact that i would put my parents in debt for a funeral. that would have definetly covinced me to just do it.
but nobody worry please. ill be fine, i NEED to be fine. just pray for me please, if you believe in that. and i dono how you can help...but if you know...let me know cuz i need to move on, i need to get a job and move out so im not in my moms hair anymore i hate that im a burden it hurts so bad.
and let me be there for you-i want to be.
yesterday i was snowed in so i couldnt really go anywhere to get anything done right? well im confused. my mom yelled at me for not looking for a job. but i wasnt allowed to drive anywhere. and everytime i try to find one sans leaving the house, they think its bullshit. i had no idea what she wanted from me.
and the reason i dont talk to her about how im feeling is cuz i seriously fear her giving up on me, and i dont want my parents to have to deal with me anymore. so i just keep away from them when im feeling depressed. but of course she had to push my buttons. i was getting ready for sam and john to pick me up. and she says exactly what i couldnt bear to hear " my patience is gone. you know. im tired of this feeling sorry for yourself, mopping around..................."i didnt even hear the rest. it hurt so bad to hear that thats what she thinks. im not feeling sorry for myself at all im feeling sorry for anyone who has to deal with this shit im going through which is why, my friends, i have pulled away.. and thats the God honest truth. so i turned around and went to my room and tried not to violently flip out. then she follows me in and im honestly ready to get in a fight with her i was so mad.i had never shook out of anger but i was.
but she kept going "you sleep ALL day and you never do anything productive. YOU HAVENT DONE ANYTHING SINCE HIGHSCHOOL. YOUVE GOTTEN WORSE SINCE THEN. YOUR NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH YOUR LIFE YOUR PATHETIC IM SICK OF IT." wow..exactly what i had been thinking all day and crying about and trying to figure out what to do. thanx mom. thanx alot. i dont sleep all day by the way and it pisses me off that she thinks that, i just happen to need a nap around 5 when she gets home cuz alot of times i dont sleep at night cuz for some reason i just cant rest. so that adds up to i sleep all day long. ugh. but yeah she really hurt me she said more but i dont wanna even repeat it. she was being so mean. and i told her how i feel guilty for being alive b/c i dont wanna burden her. i told her things she didnt know, like how i am looking for a job, jus tnot the kinda job her and my dad think of. which is restuarant work, cuz oooo man thats the only job out there to them. and how i dont talk to her cuz im afraid she'll get sick of me like she just confirmed and i don wanna be a burden to her and she has proved that she wont understand and doesnt want to understand. basically it seems to me shes worried what her friends will think of her if she has a daughter whose been struggling for so long. i apologized today but i dont think i needed to. she hurt me so bad.
so last night i drank, i shouldnt have but i did, and i was joking around in my head like.."ha it would be great if i got alchohol poisoning".
and what was icing on this whole depressed angry sick of it all cake,was sam told me this story how there was this family, the mom was extremely depressed, her two sons were having problems. well the mom killed herself and the boys became better cuz her depression was effecting them so much. heh....i know she didnt realize it, but wow. im not even goign to say what i was thinking after that. if i wasnt afraid of what comes after death, and didnt care about the fact that i would put my parents in debt for a funeral. that would have definetly covinced me to just do it.
but nobody worry please. ill be fine, i NEED to be fine. just pray for me please, if you believe in that. and i dono how you can help...but if you know...let me know cuz i need to move on, i need to get a job and move out so im not in my moms hair anymore i hate that im a burden it hurts so bad.
and let me be there for you-i want to be.