Babbling to Fill the Void...
Some snippets from recent typed communications and conversations:
lately, i've been really disappointed in my world, and it's causing me to pull back and not know how to handle anyone or anything. i've pretty much stopped calling people. they tend not to return my calls anyway, or if they do, the conversations never seem fulfilling in any way.
everyone seems empty, vacant, absent, insincere, useless. and in turn, i feel the exact same way. i've been meaning to write a ton of different articles about it, but when i sit down to do it, i get lazy, i puss out. that in itself is another symptom.
last night, i think i may have had my first social anxiety attack. dunno, and i'm not gonna worry about it unless it happens again. but i was standing there outside of vicious, and as people came out, i saw people i knew, but it just didn't really feel worth it to get off the wall and talk to any of them. then the night ended and people poured out the door, and suddenly i couldn't breathe and i got very dizzy and people tried to talk to me and i just walked away. i got in my car and drove home and jumped in the shower and didn't go back out. it was crappy. but it makes me question where i want to spend my time now.
i'm trying to do a few more fulfilling things these days, but i dunno how much any of it is helping. i've made my bed and i'm lying in it. i surrounded myself with artificial people and now i'm depressed that i have no true friends. and honestly, i'm worried that our environments reflect ourselves. if this is the world i've chosen for myself, what does it say about me?
...and [I] don't want to fall in line with the prozac-popping nation we've become. but it's tempting to turn our thoughts off, especially because society preaches that it's the right thing to do. can my years of non-conformity be overrated? hmmm"
you: yeah just dont give up....theres decent people out there
me: yeah, i reckon. and i know some of them. but i know a lot of shitty people that i seem to make exception for for one reason or another...
you: it happens....you inherently want to believe people are good
me: i'm trying to learn to be a dick
you: NO! you dont need to be a dick....thats bad....this is funny cause i know exactly of what you speak...i havent figured out the answer yet....i think it lies somewhere around being assertive vs. aggressive, but not entirely sure ....though, if you turned into a dick wouldnt you be just like the people you dont like?
me: yeah. but is the weight of being the person i thought i wanted to be worth all the inconvenience it causes. the sad fact is, people like me don't get ahead in life.
[about my freakout saturday...] i just stood there on the wall realizing that there was no one there worth putting any effort into knowing. and that is what my life is. and i felt like shit
...
i was thinking about having a "you're not invited" party just to be a dick. announce it on the website, without time/date or location and just tell everyone on the site they're not invited.
but nowadays i don't even know who i would invite.
just to weed out everyone i'm so sick of
just my passive way of saying "fuck you" to everyone
it's funny, some people drink to be more social and less shy. lately i've been drinking so i can tell people to fuck off.
...
maybe i should just stop going out and then i'd get shit done. it took a while, but i'm remembering why i hated people all along anyway..
i just wish i knew people who were more than shells
but i'm barking up the wrong tree by going out to bars and clubs and thinking i might stumble upon one
i just crave being with someone at least. i hate sitting around by myself.
plus i like being able to get huge turnouts to parties..
most recently, i'm over all this shit-talking. people just seem to make up whatever they wanna hear anymore
...some outlandish bullshit . it doesn't even make sense.
what am i, some sort of gossipable celebrity now? am i that worth making shit up over?
man, fuck everyone who's not me. i'm hard-pressed to fill a handful of counting finger on people worth talking to.
...
i used to think that it was very important for me to be a good person. but the longer i live in the real world, the less is see that it benefits me. being a bad person is how to succeed in the modern society
... Yeah, so I'm in a happy place now, eh? Whatever.
lately, i've been really disappointed in my world, and it's causing me to pull back and not know how to handle anyone or anything. i've pretty much stopped calling people. they tend not to return my calls anyway, or if they do, the conversations never seem fulfilling in any way.
everyone seems empty, vacant, absent, insincere, useless. and in turn, i feel the exact same way. i've been meaning to write a ton of different articles about it, but when i sit down to do it, i get lazy, i puss out. that in itself is another symptom.
last night, i think i may have had my first social anxiety attack. dunno, and i'm not gonna worry about it unless it happens again. but i was standing there outside of vicious, and as people came out, i saw people i knew, but it just didn't really feel worth it to get off the wall and talk to any of them. then the night ended and people poured out the door, and suddenly i couldn't breathe and i got very dizzy and people tried to talk to me and i just walked away. i got in my car and drove home and jumped in the shower and didn't go back out. it was crappy. but it makes me question where i want to spend my time now.
i'm trying to do a few more fulfilling things these days, but i dunno how much any of it is helping. i've made my bed and i'm lying in it. i surrounded myself with artificial people and now i'm depressed that i have no true friends. and honestly, i'm worried that our environments reflect ourselves. if this is the world i've chosen for myself, what does it say about me?
...and [I] don't want to fall in line with the prozac-popping nation we've become. but it's tempting to turn our thoughts off, especially because society preaches that it's the right thing to do. can my years of non-conformity be overrated? hmmm"
you: yeah just dont give up....theres decent people out there
me: yeah, i reckon. and i know some of them. but i know a lot of shitty people that i seem to make exception for for one reason or another...
you: it happens....you inherently want to believe people are good
me: i'm trying to learn to be a dick
you: NO! you dont need to be a dick....thats bad....this is funny cause i know exactly of what you speak...i havent figured out the answer yet....i think it lies somewhere around being assertive vs. aggressive, but not entirely sure ....though, if you turned into a dick wouldnt you be just like the people you dont like?
me: yeah. but is the weight of being the person i thought i wanted to be worth all the inconvenience it causes. the sad fact is, people like me don't get ahead in life.
[about my freakout saturday...] i just stood there on the wall realizing that there was no one there worth putting any effort into knowing. and that is what my life is. and i felt like shit
...
i was thinking about having a "you're not invited" party just to be a dick. announce it on the website, without time/date or location and just tell everyone on the site they're not invited.
but nowadays i don't even know who i would invite.
just to weed out everyone i'm so sick of
just my passive way of saying "fuck you" to everyone
it's funny, some people drink to be more social and less shy. lately i've been drinking so i can tell people to fuck off.
...
maybe i should just stop going out and then i'd get shit done. it took a while, but i'm remembering why i hated people all along anyway..
i just wish i knew people who were more than shells
but i'm barking up the wrong tree by going out to bars and clubs and thinking i might stumble upon one
i just crave being with someone at least. i hate sitting around by myself.
plus i like being able to get huge turnouts to parties..
most recently, i'm over all this shit-talking. people just seem to make up whatever they wanna hear anymore
...some outlandish bullshit . it doesn't even make sense.
what am i, some sort of gossipable celebrity now? am i that worth making shit up over?
man, fuck everyone who's not me. i'm hard-pressed to fill a handful of counting finger on people worth talking to.
...
i used to think that it was very important for me to be a good person. but the longer i live in the real world, the less is see that it benefits me. being a bad person is how to succeed in the modern society
... Yeah, so I'm in a happy place now, eh? Whatever.