over
i've been thinking about alot of things lately, mainly about chase and i.
there are so many questions, doubts and fears that run through my mind, its almost overwhelming
sometimes i just wonder if i am wasting my time. if in the end all he will do is break my heart.
or if im missing out on important stuff. like am i missing out of the 'college experience'
i mean every one is going out and partying it up with friends, and i do nothing of the sort..... is that normal?
other times im just so scared hes going to snap on me one day when i go crazy
hes not a very emotional person, he keeps it all locked up inside, which is a recepie for an explosion....
....i dont want to trigger that explosion.
i crack over the most trivial things.and at the worst times.
sometimes i fear that he wants to break up with me, but isnt doing it cause of my bad habits.[like michael]
some days i just want to scream
...and cry
but some days i wish i could just dissapear and die
which is only a vicious cycle...
the more i want to dissapear the more i hate myself for it
the more i hate myself the more i want to dissapear.
and with the tragic death of john chase opened up a little bit to me...
and expressed that he has mourning fatigue
and i felt horrible when i realized how selfish i am when i want to dissapear.
if i really did need/want to dissapear i should have did it along time ago
i would only be that girl who killed herself
not the girlfriend who killed herself.
[i am not ready for my tattoo]
sometimes im so sick with fear and disgust i just cant take it.
why do i live my life this way when i have such a wonderful boyfriend.
i dont know how he can tolerate this.. i cant even tolerate this.
over.
when will i be over
this.
when will i crash
into the abyss
over
when will things come
to an end
and just start all
over again
over
how will it end
why wont i mend?
over
why say forever
when you mean never
over
why can i open
my eyes
why do i only
despise
[myself]
why cant i just be over?
there are so many questions, doubts and fears that run through my mind, its almost overwhelming
sometimes i just wonder if i am wasting my time. if in the end all he will do is break my heart.
or if im missing out on important stuff. like am i missing out of the 'college experience'
i mean every one is going out and partying it up with friends, and i do nothing of the sort..... is that normal?
other times im just so scared hes going to snap on me one day when i go crazy
hes not a very emotional person, he keeps it all locked up inside, which is a recepie for an explosion....
....i dont want to trigger that explosion.
i crack over the most trivial things.and at the worst times.
sometimes i fear that he wants to break up with me, but isnt doing it cause of my bad habits.[like michael]
some days i just want to scream
...and cry
but some days i wish i could just dissapear and die
which is only a vicious cycle...
the more i want to dissapear the more i hate myself for it
the more i hate myself the more i want to dissapear.
and with the tragic death of john chase opened up a little bit to me...
and expressed that he has mourning fatigue
and i felt horrible when i realized how selfish i am when i want to dissapear.
if i really did need/want to dissapear i should have did it along time ago
i would only be that girl who killed herself
not the girlfriend who killed herself.
[i am not ready for my tattoo]
sometimes im so sick with fear and disgust i just cant take it.
why do i live my life this way when i have such a wonderful boyfriend.
i dont know how he can tolerate this.. i cant even tolerate this.
over.
when will i be over
this.
when will i crash
into the abyss
over
when will things come
to an end
and just start all
over again
over
how will it end
why wont i mend?
over
why say forever
when you mean never
over
why can i open
my eyes
why do i only
despise
[myself]
why cant i just be over?