college. I really just needed to rant.
So since I've been up at college, I've realized that a lot of the perceptions I had about people (boys in particular) from high school were wrong. Or at least they don't apply here. For example: In high school it seemed amazing to get attention from boys, here I kind of have to beat them away with a stick.
I dated a guy for most of last semester named Mike, Mike was 21 and a virgin who didn't drink. So I took his virginity on the first date, and he started buying alcohol to get me to come over (I don't know why he thought that was necessary, I was his girlfriend, I wanted to be there). Anyways, that turned into him drinking A LOT and he liked playing World of Warcraft more that he liked hanging out with me.
So I broke up with him and met this cute guy in my dorm named Josh. Josh is 22, loves rock music, and loves to party. I ended up fooling around with him the second night we hung out. He told me that he wasn't coming back for second semester so I never tried to make anything official with him, we just liked to play.
At the same time that all of this was going on with Josh, it was finals week at school and I was going through a handle of vodka with him every night and taking my tests still hammered. Mike invited me over to study for our math final (that's how we met, we sat together in math class). When I showed up, he saw a hickey on my neck and yelled at me that I was a slut. When I reminded him that we were broken up, he just kept calling me a slut.
The semester ended, I flunked three classes and went back to Houston. Which, coincidentally is where Josh was going to be interning while he took a semester off of school. I didn't see him until my last week in town, but he drove 45 minutes to my side of town, met and hung out with my friends, climbed to the top of a building with me, then took me back to his place to watch a movie and fool around.
The rest of the break, I mostly spent with my friend Doug who was going through a lot of problems with his girlfriend of two years. She'd basically become a pot head and would lie to him that her parents wouldn't let her out so she could go get high with her friends and not feel obligated to see Doug. Eventually me and a couple of his other friends convinced him to dump her right before I left for school.
Doug, who is still in high school, and his friend Laurie came up to visit me my first weekend back. So I bought a handle of rum and some coke and got them wasted when they came up. Laurie left to use the restroom and somehow Doug and I ended up making out. She saw us and freaked out and went out into the hallway and told me to let her in whenever we finished. So me and Doug started fooling around but I felt bad before either of us finished, so I got dressed and had Laurie come back in. The next morning she screamed at both of us and called my best friend, who we were driving to visit later, to tell her about what I did. When we got to Dallas to see my friend, she pulled me aside and called me a slut and told me to stop sleeping around with guys. Doug and I ended up cuddling the next night and parting ways still as really good friends.
The next weekend, I was watching Intervention with my friends Matt and Ryan. Matt's this total sweetheart who has a crush on me, but I'm just not interested in him. Ryan is a guy that I met through Josh last semester, I call him 4chan because he's this total womanizer who's currently dating six girls and takes nude pictures of them while he's fucking them and posts them online on 4chan. I know this because last semester, the first night I met him, he took me and my friends into his room and showed me the pictures.
Anyways, aside from that, he's actually not a bad guy. It's easy to be friends with him as long as I don't sleep with him. So we hang out every now and then and make nerdy internet jokes. Anyways! So I was hanging out with them, Ryan suggested we drink. So the three of us headed to Matt's room and Ryan brought over a handle of rum and some shot glasses. Matt pulled out a bottle of Whiskey. While we were drinking, Matt left to smoke a cigarette and me and Ryan were still drinking. I kept asking him to hand me the bottle of rum and he would refuse unless I bit him. So I would and then he started telling me about his biting fetish. When I told him that I was a sub and had the same fetish, he got really excited and asked if I had a boyfriend or master right now. I told him no, because it's not something I can easily bring up to guys that I'm into and a master has to earn my respect. We spent the rest of the night play fighting and drinking.
The three of us ended up getting super trashed and Matt was about to pass out. So me and Ryan were leaving, and when I started heading for the elevator to go up to my room, he told me to take the stairs so the RA's working at the front desk wouldn't see me so wasted. I started to walk with him and he pulled me into his room when we were passing it then pushed me on the bed and got on top of me. He then pinned me down and said he'd only let me up if I called him 'master'. I have not done anything like this since my first boyfriend so to say it was a turn on is an understatement. We ended up fooling around (no sex, just a lot of other things) and I slept with him in his bed, the next morning classes got canceled because of an ice storm so we lazed around together and ended up fooling around again. After that, I left his dorm and didn't really talk to him much for a couple of days. He came up to me three days later and asked me to be one of his girlfriends. I said no. Other than a couple of casual hello's in the hallway, he wont speak to me anymore.
Last semester I met this guy named Hunter in my dorm. 'Met' is kind of a vague way to phrase it. He's an insomniac who had just turned 21 so he spent his nights out at the bars and then would come in wasted and chat with the people at the front desk in the lobby until he felt sober enough to take sleeping pills. We met because I started doing my homework in the lobby and he would come and randomly ask me questions or say he liked my blue hair. I never picked up on it that he was drunk when we talked, and I thought he was gay. Towards the end of the first semester he'd randomly added me on facebook and would start up a chat with me whenever I came online.
This semester I posted that stupid "Random 25 Facts" that was going around facebook like a virus. So in it, I mentioned in the note that I LOVE to play mario kart and mario party on my N64 and also mentioned that I am trying to stop having sex for the rest of the semester. He jokingly replied to the message saying that he'd like to come to my room and play video games with me as soon as the semester ends. A day later he left me a facebook message with his phone number and told me to call him for us to hang out. I don't like to call guys, because I feel like they either don't really want to hear from me or they might be busy and then be pissed at me for interrupting whatever they're doing. So I never called and didn't see him in the lobby ever.
My birthday weekend came up and Josh drove in town from Houston to see me. But seeing me ended up meaning that we had sex and then he dropped me off at the party that was being thrown for me and on of my friends saying that he'd see me later. Basically, I got used on my birthday as a booty call. And I had been really into Josh before that too.
The following weekend, I got Matt to buy me a case of beer so me and my friend Stephen would have something to drink while we played mario kart. Hunter passed us in the hall and asked what was going on. Matt was too paranoid to let me take the drinks up to my room so he was going to put them in his room, then put them in a backpack in come up to my room with them. Instead I invited Hunter to come drink with me and Matt. We went through the 9 pack of lagers (which is what Matt had ended up buying me) pretty fast, so Hunter and I went out to his car and got a 30 case of miller lite and a six pack of purple haze. We drank with Matt until about three in the morning. Then Hunter said he was hungry and had a little grill in his room to make toasted sandwiches. He asked me to come with him and said we'd be right back with the sandwiches. While he was cooking, I passed out on his bed. When I woke up the two of us were cuddling together and there were burned sandwiches in the trash. He told me to seriously call him more for us to hang out.
The next night, I had gone to Matt's room and gotten a few of Hunter's beers and had stephen over to play mario kart. I had texted Hunter to come play too, but he said he was in Dallas for the night Stephen got kind of pissed that I didn't have enough beer to get him drunk and ended up leaving early. About ten minutes after Stephen left, I got a text from Hunter asking if I was still awake and if I wanted to play video games. I said sure and he showed up with a duffel bag full of beer.
We drank everything and got pretty drunk and then he laid down on my bed and said he was going to sleep. I moved him over and got on the bed with him and we cuddled. At some point he started rubbing my back and trying to slide his hands down the back of my pants. I stopped him and told him I ddin't want to have sex because I was trying to stop doing that. He asked what this made us while we were cuddling and I said I didn't know. He said he didn't want a girlfriend. We woke up the next morning because my room mate had come home from her weekend out of town and she was mildly freaked out to see me cuddling in my bed with some random guy.
Almost every night that week I ended up going to Hunter's room and cuddling with him. He took me out to dinner some nights and one weekend, when we didn't get to sleep together, he woke up early and took me out to buy me breakfast. He told me about his ex girlfriend and how she fucked him up and I told him about my ex boyfriend and how his death fucked me up. He asked me what I was doing for valentines day and I told him a bunch of my friends from Texas Tech and from high school were coming up to spend the weekend with me. He looked kind of sad and when I offered for him to join me he said no thanks.
I got a drunk phone call from Josh that was really cute at first until he started talking about how much he missed my lips and how badly he wanted to hook up with me again. I told him I wasn't like that. He said I was the sluttiest girl he knew. I hung up on him.
Among the friends who came up on valentines day, there was Doug. The first night we (and by 'we' I mean Doug, myself and the four other people that were there) drank two cases of beer and what was left of my now very pitiful alcohol stash. My friends Joe and Russ slept on the floor in my room, my friend Stephen had gone back to his dorm to sleep and my other friend Janet was sleeping on my room mates bed. When I went to go to sleep, Doug was on my bed. We ended up fooling around and joe, who was wasted, talked to us during the whole thing.
The next night, two more of my friends drove up from Dallas, so we moved the party from my dorm to a smoking hotel. We went through another case of beer and a handle of rum. When everyone passed out, Doug and I were sleeping on the floor together. Joe was still awake watching a movie on his laptop. Doug and I ended up having sex and I have no idea if my friend Joe heard or saw anything. I assume not because he hasn't given me shit for it.
Anyways, the next day I'm online and Hunter sends me a message telling me he's had the worst weekend of his life and for me to please come and stay with him so he can feel better. Instantly I feel like shit because jesus, I just slept with someone I'm not remotely interested in and I actually like Hunter and I'm not giving him anything. I show up and he wont tell me what's wrong but he's really upset. We play video games and he seems to feel better, I even let him beat me. We went to sleep together and he woke up at six in the morning asking me to leave because he wanted to be alone. So I left and didn't talk to him for a couple of days. Then he started calling me a lot just to talk about nothing, which is cute but I hate talking on the phone so I would ask if I could come over to talk and he would always say no. So I didn't see him for about a week.
Then last Thursday, I was in the lobby and couldn't sleep and he showed up and hung out with me for a while. I saw him again Friday afternoon when I'd finished my classes. We sat around and talked to everyone in the lobby and then he asked me to hang out with him while he packed for the weekend. So I came up to his room and sat on his bed while he was throwing stuff around. He sat on the bed with me and put his arms around me then laid down on the bed and had me cuddle with him. The blankets were pressed against my face so I moved away and he asked if he was smothering me. I said yes and then he looked really sad and asked if if I was being literal or metaphorical. I assured him I meant literally and that he could not possibly metaphorically smother me because I'm a girl and love his attention. We took a nap together and then he asked me to leave so he could back because he can't get things done with me around.
I got a call from Josh that night, saying he'd driven in town to see me and that he was out in the parking lot. I went outside to meet him and smoke a cigarette and we broke into the football field and made out on the 50 yard line. I told him I couldn't do this and he said that was fine. We could go up to my room and watch a movie and have a couple of shots. I'm fucking retarded for thinking that a dark room plus a handle of vodka would equal anything remotely PG rated. We ended up having sex and then the next morning and afternoon spent the day cuddled together, talking and trying to make our hangovers go away. He left saturday afternoon to go buy a new skateboard then called and said he ran into a friend and was going to the club with them that night. So again, I feel like I was just a booty call for him. But on the plus side. Spending the night with josh and cuddling with him the next day... made me realize how stupid he is and made me realize how much more I like Hunter.
Last night I had a really weird dream that there was this boy who was completely in love with me and I liked him but every night after a date, I'd call someone else to come over and have sex with them and then tell this boy about it and last minute try to change my story so it didn't include the sleeping around part. At the end of the dream, he was taking me out to dinner and I accidentally let it slip that I'd fucked someone else. He stopped the car and asked when I'd have sex with him and I said not for a while so he kept the car stopped and I asked him why he wasn't going anywhere and he said "I'm not moving until you decide to fuck me or stop fucking them" and then I woke up before I gave him an answer.
Hunter is on his way back to school now. I don't want to tell him that I've been sleeping with other guys, because I really like him and want things to work out, but I feel like I need to tell him how shitty I've been. I don't know... that dream just really got to me and I have not been acting like a girl who wants a boyfriend. I've been acting like a slut, which is what I have been called by just about everyone.