How To Fight Back Against Anti-Gay Bigotry-For Eternity
Orson Scott Card has dashed off yet another bigoted screen against gay marriage, the sheer idiocy of which has been thoroughly derided elsewhere (zarq links to several rejoinders). What strikes me as particularly nonsensical, in light of his contributions to literature, is Card's heavy reliance on reproductive biology to bolster his argument. Hang on, there: isn't the entire point of being human to leap past our biological imperative-to create more meaning in life than merely propagating the species?
Even worse, though, is the recurring theme of self-righteous indignation that gay marriage somehow infringes on Orson Scott Card's rights as an American. What rights are relevant, other than that of sticking one's nose in other people's business, I fail to grasp. Sanctimonious twits like Card have to realize that neither the Constitution nor common law protects the right not to be offended by something we don't like, just because we don't like it. Here's the deal: nobody insists that the Mormon Church or any other religious group perform, or even recognize, gay marriages.
Not to be outdone in hypocrisy, while Card is frothing at the mouth about how government shouldn't meddle with the sacred institution of marriage, the Mormon Church, in its alternate capacity as a political action group, is lobbying church members in California to pass an constitutional amendment to do precisely that.
If we want to consider truly insulting, intrusive religious practices, we need only take a glance at the granddaddy of them all: the Mormon practice of Baptism for the Dead. In short, someone who never belonged to the LDS Church, and never wanted to, may be retroactively baptized after death. Whereas I'm quite certain that the practice is utter hogwash, I can certainly understand why many people would be very upset by the concept of being yanked out of their personal hereafter into a glitzy Celestial Kingdom full of insufferable bores they don't even know, just for the crime of being distantly related to them. I would be, too, if I thought there was even an infinitesimal but nonzero probability that the ritual was grounded in any kind of reality. It is sometimes said that the deceased individual may choose to reject the baptism. But even so, it would still be like getting calls from telemarketers in Heaven.
Fortunately, if political activism by the Mormon Church leaders offends you, and Baptism for the Dead offends you, there is a way to strike back. That's right: you, too can participate in a brand new sacred ritual:
Gay Marriage for the Dead.
Here's how it works. Assemble an official and two brides or grooms, as needed. Wedding clothes are optional (as are clothes in general). Perform any legal ceremony you wish (but keep in mind that a nice short one will improve your turnover rate if you have a long list of decedents to take care of). However, where you'd normally address each bride/groom by name, replace "[name of bride/groom]" with "[name of living proxy] in behalf of [decedent's name], who is dead."
If you're concerned that you may lack the divine prerogative to conduct vicarious weddings for dead folks, relax. After all, the authority to perform Baptisms for the Dead is more or less automatically vested in any Mormon who can claim ownership of (1) 18 years of age and (2) a dick.
I thought of a few prime couples to be Gay Married for the Dead. Not all of these folks are actually dead yet-give them time, give them time:
Joseph Smith, Jr. ♥ Brigham Young
Jesse Helms ♥ Malcolm X
Phyllis Schlafly ♥ Andrea Dworkin
Ann Coulter ♥ Dr. Laura
Orson Scott Card ♥ Richard Simmons
You may well be able to come up with better ones. It's okay if the couples overlap-plural marriage is original LDS Church doctrine, after all. Have fun, and good luck-there is much work to be done.
Even worse, though, is the recurring theme of self-righteous indignation that gay marriage somehow infringes on Orson Scott Card's rights as an American. What rights are relevant, other than that of sticking one's nose in other people's business, I fail to grasp. Sanctimonious twits like Card have to realize that neither the Constitution nor common law protects the right not to be offended by something we don't like, just because we don't like it. Here's the deal: nobody insists that the Mormon Church or any other religious group perform, or even recognize, gay marriages.
Not to be outdone in hypocrisy, while Card is frothing at the mouth about how government shouldn't meddle with the sacred institution of marriage, the Mormon Church, in its alternate capacity as a political action group, is lobbying church members in California to pass an constitutional amendment to do precisely that.
If we want to consider truly insulting, intrusive religious practices, we need only take a glance at the granddaddy of them all: the Mormon practice of Baptism for the Dead. In short, someone who never belonged to the LDS Church, and never wanted to, may be retroactively baptized after death. Whereas I'm quite certain that the practice is utter hogwash, I can certainly understand why many people would be very upset by the concept of being yanked out of their personal hereafter into a glitzy Celestial Kingdom full of insufferable bores they don't even know, just for the crime of being distantly related to them. I would be, too, if I thought there was even an infinitesimal but nonzero probability that the ritual was grounded in any kind of reality. It is sometimes said that the deceased individual may choose to reject the baptism. But even so, it would still be like getting calls from telemarketers in Heaven.
Fortunately, if political activism by the Mormon Church leaders offends you, and Baptism for the Dead offends you, there is a way to strike back. That's right: you, too can participate in a brand new sacred ritual:
Gay Marriage for the Dead.
Here's how it works. Assemble an official and two brides or grooms, as needed. Wedding clothes are optional (as are clothes in general). Perform any legal ceremony you wish (but keep in mind that a nice short one will improve your turnover rate if you have a long list of decedents to take care of). However, where you'd normally address each bride/groom by name, replace "[name of bride/groom]" with "[name of living proxy] in behalf of [decedent's name], who is dead."
If you're concerned that you may lack the divine prerogative to conduct vicarious weddings for dead folks, relax. After all, the authority to perform Baptisms for the Dead is more or less automatically vested in any Mormon who can claim ownership of (1) 18 years of age and (2) a dick.
I thought of a few prime couples to be Gay Married for the Dead. Not all of these folks are actually dead yet-give them time, give them time:
Joseph Smith, Jr. ♥ Brigham Young
Jesse Helms ♥ Malcolm X
Phyllis Schlafly ♥ Andrea Dworkin
Ann Coulter ♥ Dr. Laura
Orson Scott Card ♥ Richard Simmons
You may well be able to come up with better ones. It's okay if the couples overlap-plural marriage is original LDS Church doctrine, after all. Have fun, and good luck-there is much work to be done.