Random Stuff XXX
Kathy brought Yuki-chan back from the vet this morning, two ovaries lighter. I figured I'd hang around for an hour or two after Kathy left for work, to make sure Yuki was recovering okay. Gave up and left for work ten minutes later, after she'd done about 150 laps around the house at a full gallop with Altair in hot pursuit, followed by a couple hundred scampers up and down the stairs dragging one of our amorphous-blob-with-a-long-rooster-tail toys. Recovery accomplished.
Our vet appended the following advisory to our bill:
Buprenorphine is a pain medication which will last approximately eight hours. It is absorbed by the oral mucosa. YOUR PET MAY EXPERIENCE DROWSINESS SO PLEASE DO NOT ALLOW IT TO OPERATE HEAVY EQUIPMENT OR TO DRIVE!
ROFFLE! This, from a person I've never even see smile, let alone crack a joke.
A follow-up to my reflections on the comics page: Hardly a week since I panned, with ultimate distaste, The Family Circus, I see a surprisingly good offering from the King of Cutesy. Mom tries to instruct Dolly about the Crucifixion, but Dolly complains, "I liked seeing Jesus in the manger better." What, you don't like gruesome scenes of torture as the crux (heh-heh) of your religion? Burn the heretic! I mean, yuck: Bil Keane made sure we couldn't miss those nails. On second reading, I noticed an disturbing similarity between Mom's head and the Frankenstein monster's. Is that an earring, or an electrode?
I must pay homage here to some of the best satirical writing I've seen. These two wiseacres could sling insults at the funnies like no others, and did, for nearly three years in their Funny Paper column in the Baltimore City Paper Online. And they never passed up a chance to poke fun at the sillier aspects of the religion that several prominent cartoonists are wont to promote shamelessly on the comics page. In one old Family Circus, little Billy announces that he plans to pray to the Easter Bunny (or was it the Tooth Fairy?). Scocca & MacLeod quip that Billy's about to make a discovery-specifically, that praying to the Easter Bunny is fully as effective as praying to (the Christian) God.
And while I'm on the subject, I'll raise a glass in honor of B.C., when it was funny, back before Johnny Hart turned Fundie. On rare occasions the old silliness will re-emerge-paradoxically, usually on Sunday-amidst all the not-so-subtle commentary on the "War on Christmas," America's Christian foundation and all that Fundie dreck. That brings me to the best Funny Paper tirade ever:
B.C.: Thursday, Johnny Hart has the "skool"-house ants denounce the lottery as "where 5 million stupid people make 1 stupid person look smart." Hart, you piece of filth. Whore yourself out to the newspapers you hate and draw all the right wing religioso comics you want, but back the fuck up off the lottery. We got a Mega Millions drawing coming up. Ain't nobody plays the lottery thinking they're smart, old man. They play, knowing full well the odds of winning are like, getting hit by lightning three times in a row in an hour. Slightly better odds, in other words, than the odds of all that stuff you believe in being true. [June 9-15, 2003]
Alas, Funny Paper was discontinued early in 2004. However, this guy has picked up the baton. (It is not surprising that he also noticed the undercurrent of doubt in today's Family Circus.) Although he hasn't quite achieved the intensity of Scocca & MacLeod's condensed, acerbic wit, it's a worthy read.
Many people believe that humanity will stop evolving once we find cures for all major diseases. Some think we've already stopped. I disagree. Our environment has changed far more quickly during the last two hundred years than at any other time since the dawn of civilization. I don't mean global warming, either: our environment in the present day is the one we've built ourselves. It is, therefore, certain that we're still adapting to our new ecology, and will continue to do so as long as it continues to change. How so may not be obvious, but it is known from theoretical considerations that even very subtle selective pressures can drive significant evolution.
Here's an example. I predict that over the next few millennia we will evolve a bony spine on the side for the express function of opening plastic-wrapped packaging, including all manner of shrink-wrapped items, but especially-especially-the monomolecular plastic skin secreted onto new CD cases by whatever arcane biotechnological process. Seriously: how do they do that? I see creases at the corners, but no fingernail or precision tool known to humankind will pry beneath them.
I've tried this joke in several formats, and I believe I've found a version that might actually make somebody laugh. To be honest, I'd be eternally grateful for a reaction of any kind, as it would be the first.
Did you hear about poor, stoic Farmer Jones? His prize Holstein swallowed a live grenade. "That's abominable," was all he would vouchsafe.
Our vet appended the following advisory to our bill:
Buprenorphine is a pain medication which will last approximately eight hours. It is absorbed by the oral mucosa. YOUR PET MAY EXPERIENCE DROWSINESS SO PLEASE DO NOT ALLOW IT TO OPERATE HEAVY EQUIPMENT OR TO DRIVE!
ROFFLE! This, from a person I've never even see smile, let alone crack a joke.
A follow-up to my reflections on the comics page: Hardly a week since I panned, with ultimate distaste, The Family Circus, I see a surprisingly good offering from the King of Cutesy. Mom tries to instruct Dolly about the Crucifixion, but Dolly complains, "I liked seeing Jesus in the manger better." What, you don't like gruesome scenes of torture as the crux (heh-heh) of your religion? Burn the heretic! I mean, yuck: Bil Keane made sure we couldn't miss those nails. On second reading, I noticed an disturbing similarity between Mom's head and the Frankenstein monster's. Is that an earring, or an electrode?
I must pay homage here to some of the best satirical writing I've seen. These two wiseacres could sling insults at the funnies like no others, and did, for nearly three years in their Funny Paper column in the Baltimore City Paper Online. And they never passed up a chance to poke fun at the sillier aspects of the religion that several prominent cartoonists are wont to promote shamelessly on the comics page. In one old Family Circus, little Billy announces that he plans to pray to the Easter Bunny (or was it the Tooth Fairy?). Scocca & MacLeod quip that Billy's about to make a discovery-specifically, that praying to the Easter Bunny is fully as effective as praying to (the Christian) God.
And while I'm on the subject, I'll raise a glass in honor of B.C., when it was funny, back before Johnny Hart turned Fundie. On rare occasions the old silliness will re-emerge-paradoxically, usually on Sunday-amidst all the not-so-subtle commentary on the "War on Christmas," America's Christian foundation and all that Fundie dreck. That brings me to the best Funny Paper tirade ever:
B.C.: Thursday, Johnny Hart has the "skool"-house ants denounce the lottery as "where 5 million stupid people make 1 stupid person look smart." Hart, you piece of filth. Whore yourself out to the newspapers you hate and draw all the right wing religioso comics you want, but back the fuck up off the lottery. We got a Mega Millions drawing coming up. Ain't nobody plays the lottery thinking they're smart, old man. They play, knowing full well the odds of winning are like, getting hit by lightning three times in a row in an hour. Slightly better odds, in other words, than the odds of all that stuff you believe in being true. [June 9-15, 2003]
Alas, Funny Paper was discontinued early in 2004. However, this guy has picked up the baton. (It is not surprising that he also noticed the undercurrent of doubt in today's Family Circus.) Although he hasn't quite achieved the intensity of Scocca & MacLeod's condensed, acerbic wit, it's a worthy read.
Many people believe that humanity will stop evolving once we find cures for all major diseases. Some think we've already stopped. I disagree. Our environment has changed far more quickly during the last two hundred years than at any other time since the dawn of civilization. I don't mean global warming, either: our environment in the present day is the one we've built ourselves. It is, therefore, certain that we're still adapting to our new ecology, and will continue to do so as long as it continues to change. How so may not be obvious, but it is known from theoretical considerations that even very subtle selective pressures can drive significant evolution.
Here's an example. I predict that over the next few millennia we will evolve a bony spine on the side for the express function of opening plastic-wrapped packaging, including all manner of shrink-wrapped items, but especially-especially-the monomolecular plastic skin secreted onto new CD cases by whatever arcane biotechnological process. Seriously: how do they do that? I see creases at the corners, but no fingernail or precision tool known to humankind will pry beneath them.
I've tried this joke in several formats, and I believe I've found a version that might actually make somebody laugh. To be honest, I'd be eternally grateful for a reaction of any kind, as it would be the first.
Did you hear about poor, stoic Farmer Jones? His prize Holstein swallowed a live grenade. "That's abominable," was all he would vouchsafe.