the hounds of love
I am trying something new, after having watched a Madonna movie on Oxygen yesterday and thinking about self-reinvention. Instead of being cynical about expressing emotions on the internet and just unloading all my stress on my friends every time they call, I'm going to make a confession for all of the internet to see so that I won't have to talk about it with someone, because I am doing way too much talking and way too little listening as a visitor and supposed networker. My confession is I am afraid of love, and I think of it as something that could literally end my life. Thinking about falling in love again makes me feel exhausted and ill. I don't really know what other goal there is to pursue because thinking about pursuing career goals in a way that is at all more agressive than what I am already doing also makes me want to curl up in a corner and become very still. Therefore I have become a hedonist, which is very easy to do in New York. I am afraid to even think about anything if it doesn't involve food, alcohol, seeing bands, dancing at parties, riding rollercoasters, swimming, sex, gossiping, going to museums, reading, watching TV, reading blogs or the news. It's gotten to the point where even when I'm with a friend I am not satisfied unless I can steer the conversation away from talk about heartbreak or disappointments. There will be time for self-examination later; this is my last summer. So basically warning: I am annoying and slightly vapid for the time being, and tell your friends not to get romantically involved with me.