heartsong
i don't even know if words are enough. i will post pictures and more videos from the party tomorrow.. I just don't want to lose this feeling.
this rush.
this energy.
i am bursting at the seams.
my eyes are leaking. crying. so full up.
i just feel so deeply. so blissfully happy. and thankful and full of wonder. and delight and amazement.
words are not enough to show how much i care.
i am surrounded by such good people.
they make me laugh.
they rub my back when they can tell it hurts before i say anything at all.
a juicebox always in my hand, they all know what kind.
help getting dressed up, help getting dressed down.
no one pushing to be the one beside me. everyone understanding my needs perfectly.
holding my hand when needed.
letting me walk away on my own when needed.
and even the new friends...
you see there is always room or more. i don't mean in my room..there really wasn't room for more.
but in my heart. there is always room.
i am grateful for the friends who didn't come. the ones who understood i couldn't invite everyone. or the ones who were sick and bowed out for fear of giving me a cold. the ones who were far away and sent their love via text or e-mail.
the friends whom i've never met and joined in around the world. sharing their voices and their time to join in on the fun. thank you for commenting. everyone crowded around afterward as we read the comments aloud. please keep telling me about your evenings, it makes it all that much more wonderful.
i'm glad it looked like so much fun... it's because it was so much fun.
i couldn't have done it without the incredible support network holding me up along the way. my family worked so hard all day to prepare the food, rearrange the house and make sure i had enough energy to last the whole night. my mum worked through a bad head cold, constantly washing her hands got everything in the kitchen moving. quinn and rachel joined her ranks early on prepping food in the afternoon. beth helped me get ready. justin held my hand and kissed me whenever i needed a break. my dad kept everyones glasses full and made sure the livefeed was up and running throughout the night. hunter shared his birthday with me and helped make it extra special. annie is my other half, silently working tirelessly to make sure everything goes smoothly. my siblings become my body when mine fails. i don't know if they know how much it means to me to have their support.
how it felt...how it felt....
glittery
like the sparkles on my cheeks
like childrens' belief in santa clause and fairies
like i believe in elves
the first snow
that excitement in your tummy
when you wake up before everyone else
sneak into your sisters room
wake your brother
tumble down the stairs and rummage around in the basement finding lost mittens and old snowsuits
that first step
silence
crunching
then freedom
rollling falling twirling skipping dancing
anything is possible
the world is yours
thats what it did to me
tonight
freedom
forget the tubes and the fact that i cant walk
i can sing
i can sing i can sing
i can sing surrounded by people i love
forget what holds me back
look what sets me free!
i feel so light
porous
energy and love flowing freely from my voice
blending in harmony with the voices around me
i was one
i was not alone
i am not alone
and then all of you out there
listening
caring
giving a damn
makes my heart just explode beyond what i thought capable of humanity.
and its not about the money. i mean, i am very very grateful for all the donations to cure this horrible disease. i hope we make the same amount that we have in the past from walking door to door. last year we made 490.00$ and the most we have ever made was the year I got my transplant which totaled 960.00$ so if we were able to make somewhere in between there I would be a very happy girl indeed.
but its never been about the money.
it's about sharing moments with friends.
laughing together as we decide what to sing next.
tripping on sidewalks and pushing each other into snowy bushes.
how many verses do we keep singing if no one comes to the door?
bringing cheer to lonely neighbors
reminding people that you can always do something
and singing isn't that hard
enough voices will sound good
and just by doing it your making a statement
against apathy
cars stopping in the road to listen
this year it was different
all cuddled around my big red bed
staying still instead of skipping through the streets
and it was special and just right
in its own way
i'm glad i never gave up on my favourite part of christmas
i feel complete.
not scared at all.
i am so entangled in these lives.
so needed.
there just is no possibility to not exist.
it makes me less scared to die.
i'm sitting here tears streaming down my cheeks but i am not sad.
i am less alone then i've ever been.
i am surrounded in every possible way.
lifted up by love
swirled
hurled
curled by love.
i can't not be here.
i can't die.
because i am part of them.
and if my lungs stop working.
i still won't die.
because they love me.
you love me
i will live forever in the hearts of those that love me.
they will sing when my body is gone
and my voice will be there too.
i am not afraid.
i will sing
i will love
i will live
