(no subject)
Karen being gone finally hit me today. I was sitting with my mom and we'd been having lil heart-to-hearts all morning... and I mentioned something about her being gone and I just couldn't control myself, I started balling. I'm gonna miss her so much, I kinda wish she wasn't married to my brother, and that she really was my friend and not my brother's wife... that way I wouldn't have to deal with her being gone. :( It definitely feels lonely without her... She seriously was the only person I talked to anymore, other than Sarai and Kris. Who I love to pieces for being such awesome friends. :D I'm hoping Kris and I will be able to spend more time together now that she's going to be moving back to the area... Plus I'll have my car in a couple weeks, so I'll be able to see her (among others...) more often, that should help, too. Also, getting a job. So I won't be sitting on my lazy ass all day missing Karen and being bored and lonely. And so that I'll have money for gas on those occassions that I'm out of work and am still bored and lonely... Funding my expeditions... I don't expect many of them to be to Chico, though. Things are getting pretty weird between me and Justin. He's been in such a bad moos lately. :( I didn't even talk to him last night, and that's definitely rare. I couldn't help but think it was because he was spending the night with Jennifer... The only time he doesn't manage to call me when he says he will is when he's hanging out with her, and since I didn't talk to him at all last night, and I tried calling him this morning and never got an answer, I really thought that he was with her... Not that I can blame him at all, I was the same way... So when he called me today and mentioned he wasn't in a talkative mood at all, I assumed (because she's the reason for ANY bad mood of his) that he and Jennifer were having a rough patch... Got in a fight or something, like always... The other day, and the past couple days in a row he had been soo hapyp and in such a great mood. :) I was happy that he was happy, but now he's all sad again. I can't deal with all this. It's bullshit that I'm putting up with this. I shouldn't settle for sloppy seconds, or being the girl on the side, for when things between he and Jennifer aren't going so well. That's not who I am, I don't just settle for that kind of stuff, and I shouldn't. I deserve to be the center of attention, don't I? No one deserves to be treated like they are only second best... Everyone should be able to feel like they are number one to the person/people they care about, or love. I deserve a guy who is going to treat me the same as I treat him. A guy that is more than willing to go out of his way for me all the time, not just half the time. Not just when he's got half a day off... I deserve to have from him what he gives to Jennifer. And saying that he's giving it all to Jennifer makes me realize that he's not going to be giving it to me... So, that should make me realize that it's not so fairytale-esque as it may seem. But it's not like I don't have an entire lifetime to figure it all out. And it's not like I'm not content with my life right now. I don't know whether I'm moving, or staying and I don't know which classes I want to take (AM or PM) but that's all minor... I have my whole life to fall in love and get married and have kids, so why focus on it now? Why stress about it? Sure, I FEEL like I'm ready to be loved, and to settle down. But it's not like that feeling's going to go away. Unless I go through a series of unsuccessful marriages... (like my mom...) Then it WILL go away, but as long as I focus on me, and what I know is important, then things will work out for me. There's someone out there for everyone, just be patient. I'll get the guy I deserve, eventually. Maybe it'll be in a year, or two or five. It probably won't be soon. But, either way, I'm ready for it. :)