Crawling Backwards Ch. 8
Title: Crawling Backwards
Author: xxShilaleighxx
Fandom: Music/VAM
Summery: Ville is in love with Bam, but Bam only loves Ville when he’s drunk. By morning it’s forgotten and Bam goes on to believe that they’re still just friends. Ville puts up with it for his love, but it’s slowly killing him inside.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Pairing: VAM…eventually.
Rating: NC-17 in some parts…but generally it’s R
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
This chapter is dedicated to ryan_creed. Because I can.
Chapter Eight
I saw Bam off to the airport the next day, waiting with him outside the security line for an entire hour before they had to board. As they called their number he pulled me into a tight, slightly uncomfortable hug, but that was the most contact we shared. I smiled politely at Dunn and walked away quickly, not wanting either of them to see the tears welling up in my eyes.
I couldn’t believe that I had been so stupid. I should have known that things wouldn’t work out between us. The moment he confesses his feelings for me he’s torn away, causing an empty feeling to swallow up my soul. I needed to fill that whole that he once took up, but I couldn’t think of anything that would be as nice as him.
Roughly kicking an old McDonald’s bag in the parking lot, I growled to myself and hailed a cab. Maybe it was about time I got my license. Bam had his, and he was the most irresponsible person I knew.
I gave the cab driver the directions to my apartment and climbed in the back, handing him a wad of cash that I knew was more than the ride was worth. He just smiled and thanked me a million times before pulling out onto the busy street. Leaning my head against the cold window, I tried to relax a bit on the long ride home.
~*~
The shock of coming home to an empty apartment hit me hard. Over the last few days I had gotten used to having people over, and the silence that now filled the walls seemed almost tangible. It’s like coming home to skin that has died-foreign, cold…dead.
I threw my wallet down on the kitchen table and moved to grab a beer from the fridge. In seven hours my phone would ring and Bam would laugh and tell me that he made it home alright. He would tell me how sorry he was for leaving and say that he loves me. He would promise to come back to me. He has to.
I realized that I wasn’t even sure anymore. A small part of me was stuck in the habit of following a routine, reveling in the comforting knowledge that I knew exactly what was going to happen. But now it seemed that sense of security was striped from me. I didn’t like not knowing, I didn’t like being left in the dark with only my thoughts to keep me company. They were negative thoughts, dreadful images that flashed through my mind like a horror movie marathon on TV; and I had lost the remote.
With a heavy groan, I sat on the couch and dug the palms of my hands into my eyes. I wanted to relieve the pressure in my brain, I wanted to forget that Bam had ever come to visit; I wanted things to be back to normal. Picking up my beer, I downed half of the bottle in one swig and threw it across the room. It shattered with a loud smash and I jumped at the noise, my mind blanking out. I didn’t even realize I had thrown it until it was a devastated mess on the carpet.
“Goddammit Bam, you better return to me,” I nearly sobbed, mentally cursing myself for being so weak. Taking a deep breath, I let my body mold itself into the little niche I’ve cast in the couch. It felt good to have a spot that was set up just for me, a small reminder that this is where I belonged and I was doing something normal. Normalcy seemed to be lacking in my life as of late, and the simple reassurance of my old couch seemed to alleviate the loneliness a bit.
If you were to ask me straight up, I honestly don’t think I could tell you exactly what I see in Bam Margera. He came to me one night in London and told me he was a big fan, said that our music had changed his life. Of course, I had heard it all before and really paid it no mind. I thought he was just another fan-nothing more, nothing less. It wasn’t until we went out drinking that I realized a strong friendship was forming between us.
I once had a girl ask me if I believe in love at first sight. Well, the answer is no. I know from the bottom of my heart that I’m in love with Bam, but there was nothing between us but a mutual attraction from day one. Lust and love are two completely opposite things, and it took me months to come to love him.
Amsterdam-the city of deceit. There are moments in life that replay themselves in your memory vividly and without flaws; moments that no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to get rid of. It was a warm night, the moon gently grazing the skyline and reflecting off the city as if made of glass. We were taking a few nights off of our tour and decided to throw a party, and what better place than the home of sex and drugs?
Bam was there, clad in his usual skateboard attire and clutching a beer as if it would fly away from him. I remember seeing him at the bar and waving him over, a smile playing at my lips as he tripped once before making his way to our table. We laughed, we drank, we got sloshed and cried on each other’s shoulder; a night like any other.
As the other’s retired to their rooms, Bam followed me to mine. I can still feel his fingers as they ran down my chest, tracing each bone and curve seductively as he placed me on the bed. Despite the alcohol, the memory is fresh and sharp-a moment trapped in time; the fragrant scent of an evening I cannot forget.
We fucked that night. It wasn’t passionate love making. It was fucking. We fucked and then he was gone in the morning, not so much as a note left behind. I told myself that I was too drunk to remember the night correctly, and for a while I almost believed it. But a person can only go so long believing the lies.
That was the first time we ever did anything together. It was the first time in a series of fateful events that would spiral into what our relationship has become. Perhaps I couldn’t forget the night because I’d known that it was the turning point in our friendship. Or maybe I just want so badly for it to be real that I just can’t let it go. Either way, the memory haunts me.
I found myself shaking my head to rid myself of the images flashing before my eyes. Remembering old times was not what I needed right then. I needed more alcohol.
Gingerly pulling myself from the comfortable couch, I grabbed four beers from the refrigerator and hauled them to my room. There’s nothing more pathetic than an old man drinking alone in his bed, but at that point I just wanted to forget. Forget that my Bam was gone, forget that I was trapped in this apartment alone, forget that I had to rely on alcohol to make myself feel the tiniest bit better.
~*~
I woke up the next morning to a splitting migraine and the knowledge that Bam hadn’t called. The call log on my phone was empty, the only alert flashing being that of the low battery. With a sigh I got up and retrieved some Advil, a small part of me hoping that today would be a good day; but I knew it wouldn’t be.
Seppo wanted us to start recording the next album this month, but I was already behind with songs and there was a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that I wouldn't meet the deadline. I needed to start cracking down, but every time I picked up a notebook my mind would go blank. All I could think about was Bam, and unfortunately that wasn’t enough inspiration to write on.
I poured myself a cup of coffee as I waited for the pop tarts to jump from the toaster, my eyes glancing over to the clock above the microwave and widening slightly when I realized it was already 2:30. What time did I finally pass out at last night? The pounding in my head told me the sun was up when my eyes closed. With a groan I lit a cigarette and pulled the plug on the pop tarts. I didn’t really want breakfast anyway.
My throat felt parched as I made my way to the phone, once again checking for missed calls that I might have overlooked ten minutes ago. There weren’t any, but I realized that I needed to call Linde about the evening’s events. Finding his name in the call log, I pressed TALK and frustratingly tapped my toe while waiting for him to pick up.
“Mikä?” An irritated voice called after the third ring.
“Hey Linde, it’s me. I’m just calling to check on today’s plans. What’s up?”
There was a pause and I heard him ruffling through something nearby. “Seppo wants us to go to some release party for the 69Eyes tonight, but that’s pretty much it.”
“I didn’t even know they recorded a new album,” I chuckled.
“Yeah,” I heard him light up a cigarette. “Well the party’s tonight at Travista, around nine-thirty I think. You should come; you don’t get out much these days.”
I tried to ignore that last comment and said, “I’ll see what I can do. I’ll call you later.”
We exchanged salutations and hung up. I found myself wanting to redial his number, just to have someone to talk to; but I knew that it would be pointless. I had to get used to living alone eventually.
~*~
Travista wasn’t a large venue, but it was comfortable and had a homey atmosphere to it. There was a body guard by the door, standing purposefully by the red rope with a clipboard in his hand. He checked to make sure I was on the list, going over it twice to make himself feel more powerful, before unlatching the velvet rope and letting me inside.
The atmosphere was gently laced with nicotine and spice, a scent that screamed ‘home’ the moment I walked through the doors. There were maybe three hundred people inside, talking amongst themselves and waiting anxiously for the new music to play. I meandered through the crowd and found an empty spot by the bar, far enough away from the spectators, but close enough to the door where friends would be able to spot me.
With a flick of my wrist I ordered a shot of vodka and swiveled around to face the stage. It was black except for the light shining off of the drum symbols in the back, casting a small but eerie light upon the marred wood of the stage. I remembered playing our first gigs here and the yearly New Years show, and a smile immediately jumped to my lips. This was where I belonged.
“Oi, Ville! Long time no see!” A voice called to me from somewhere to my left. I turned slightly to find Jussi leaning over the bar beside me, trying to flag down the bartender. When he realized it was a fruitless endeavor, he turned back to me and smiled. “I’m glad you could make it!”
I pushed my drink toward him and he gratefully gulped it down, sighing when the last drop washed down his throat. “Well I heard you guys were doing a release, so I had to come. It’s been ages since we’ve hung out together.”
“Tell me about it!” he smiled, finally getting the barkeeps attention and ordering four more shots. “Don’t worry, they’re on me.”
I smiled my thanks and took the offered shot, tossing it back quickly and ignoring the stinging bite of the strong vodka. “Are you guys planning a promo tour for this one?”
He sat down on the stool beside me, his elbows propped up on the bar and his tight ankh shirt riding up a bit to reveal a toned abdomen. “Of course we are, we’re even touring the States this time!”
“That’s fantastic. You know, we should do a tour together sometime,” I laughed, knocking back another shot.
“You have no idea how great that would be; we would pull in more American fans than ever before!” I found myself smiling again, a genuine one that made my head feel slightly foggy. The conversation went on that way for another twenty minutes before he was pulled away from me to go over the set list. I felt suddenly lonely without him by my side and began looking around the crowd for a familiar face. No one stuck out to me, so I just propped myself against the bar and ordered another round.
“It’s amazing how lonely you can feel in a room full of people, no?” the barkeep asked as he placed a drink in front of me. I had to look up to realize that he was talking to me, a smile flashing over my features as I took the drink.
“Yeah, it really is.”
“I’m a big fan of your band,” he said sheepishly, cleaning a glass to avoid eye contact with me.
“That’s great,” I managed a fake smile and pulled my eyes back to my drink.
“You know, I get out of here in a half-hour, if you want to maybe get a drink or something…”
My heart stopped when I noticed what he was doing. His hand was no longer cleaning glasses, but rather it was placed on my arms affectionately. I couldn’t help but pull away slightly.
“Actually, I’m sorry but I’m quite content with drinking right here,” I tried to let him down gently. “Plus, I’m taken.”
“Oh, I didn’t know that,” he turned around quickly, obviously embarrassed with his actions. “Sorry about that.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I smiled to his back, even though I knew he couldn’t see it.
I had the feeling that he was going to say something more, but just then the lights dimmed and amplifier feedback filled the club. The band’s manager announced the performance through the loudspeakers before the boys took their spots on stage.
The music was loud and enticing, heavier than their previous albums. To say I was intrigued was an understatement. The crowd began to scream and jump around to the beats, forming a mild pit at the edge of the stage. As Jyrki burst into the first song, I found myself turning away.
I knocked back one more shot and glanced up at the barkeep. He was busying himself at the other end of the bar, pouring a mixture for a lady in a sparkly halter top. When he caught me staring he flashed a smile my way and walked over.
“What time did you say you got off?” The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I found myself placing a hand on his arm.
“Right now,” he smirked, tossing a towel over his shoulder and moving to the back room. I knew from experience that he would be outside in any minute, so I made my way toward the door.
~*~
A/N: And there you have it. Sorry about the delay, my computer is a piece of shit. I was going to wait until I reformated to update, but I felt bad. The only downside is I can't save the chapter because I have a virus. But at least you guys have an update, and that's all that matters to me.
Comments = LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE
Author: xxShilaleighxx
Fandom: Music/VAM
Summery: Ville is in love with Bam, but Bam only loves Ville when he’s drunk. By morning it’s forgotten and Bam goes on to believe that they’re still just friends. Ville puts up with it for his love, but it’s slowly killing him inside.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Pairing: VAM…eventually.
Rating: NC-17 in some parts…but generally it’s R
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
This chapter is dedicated to ryan_creed. Because I can.
Chapter Eight
I saw Bam off to the airport the next day, waiting with him outside the security line for an entire hour before they had to board. As they called their number he pulled me into a tight, slightly uncomfortable hug, but that was the most contact we shared. I smiled politely at Dunn and walked away quickly, not wanting either of them to see the tears welling up in my eyes.
I couldn’t believe that I had been so stupid. I should have known that things wouldn’t work out between us. The moment he confesses his feelings for me he’s torn away, causing an empty feeling to swallow up my soul. I needed to fill that whole that he once took up, but I couldn’t think of anything that would be as nice as him.
Roughly kicking an old McDonald’s bag in the parking lot, I growled to myself and hailed a cab. Maybe it was about time I got my license. Bam had his, and he was the most irresponsible person I knew.
I gave the cab driver the directions to my apartment and climbed in the back, handing him a wad of cash that I knew was more than the ride was worth. He just smiled and thanked me a million times before pulling out onto the busy street. Leaning my head against the cold window, I tried to relax a bit on the long ride home.
~*~
The shock of coming home to an empty apartment hit me hard. Over the last few days I had gotten used to having people over, and the silence that now filled the walls seemed almost tangible. It’s like coming home to skin that has died-foreign, cold…dead.
I threw my wallet down on the kitchen table and moved to grab a beer from the fridge. In seven hours my phone would ring and Bam would laugh and tell me that he made it home alright. He would tell me how sorry he was for leaving and say that he loves me. He would promise to come back to me. He has to.
I realized that I wasn’t even sure anymore. A small part of me was stuck in the habit of following a routine, reveling in the comforting knowledge that I knew exactly what was going to happen. But now it seemed that sense of security was striped from me. I didn’t like not knowing, I didn’t like being left in the dark with only my thoughts to keep me company. They were negative thoughts, dreadful images that flashed through my mind like a horror movie marathon on TV; and I had lost the remote.
With a heavy groan, I sat on the couch and dug the palms of my hands into my eyes. I wanted to relieve the pressure in my brain, I wanted to forget that Bam had ever come to visit; I wanted things to be back to normal. Picking up my beer, I downed half of the bottle in one swig and threw it across the room. It shattered with a loud smash and I jumped at the noise, my mind blanking out. I didn’t even realize I had thrown it until it was a devastated mess on the carpet.
“Goddammit Bam, you better return to me,” I nearly sobbed, mentally cursing myself for being so weak. Taking a deep breath, I let my body mold itself into the little niche I’ve cast in the couch. It felt good to have a spot that was set up just for me, a small reminder that this is where I belonged and I was doing something normal. Normalcy seemed to be lacking in my life as of late, and the simple reassurance of my old couch seemed to alleviate the loneliness a bit.
If you were to ask me straight up, I honestly don’t think I could tell you exactly what I see in Bam Margera. He came to me one night in London and told me he was a big fan, said that our music had changed his life. Of course, I had heard it all before and really paid it no mind. I thought he was just another fan-nothing more, nothing less. It wasn’t until we went out drinking that I realized a strong friendship was forming between us.
I once had a girl ask me if I believe in love at first sight. Well, the answer is no. I know from the bottom of my heart that I’m in love with Bam, but there was nothing between us but a mutual attraction from day one. Lust and love are two completely opposite things, and it took me months to come to love him.
Amsterdam-the city of deceit. There are moments in life that replay themselves in your memory vividly and without flaws; moments that no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to get rid of. It was a warm night, the moon gently grazing the skyline and reflecting off the city as if made of glass. We were taking a few nights off of our tour and decided to throw a party, and what better place than the home of sex and drugs?
Bam was there, clad in his usual skateboard attire and clutching a beer as if it would fly away from him. I remember seeing him at the bar and waving him over, a smile playing at my lips as he tripped once before making his way to our table. We laughed, we drank, we got sloshed and cried on each other’s shoulder; a night like any other.
As the other’s retired to their rooms, Bam followed me to mine. I can still feel his fingers as they ran down my chest, tracing each bone and curve seductively as he placed me on the bed. Despite the alcohol, the memory is fresh and sharp-a moment trapped in time; the fragrant scent of an evening I cannot forget.
We fucked that night. It wasn’t passionate love making. It was fucking. We fucked and then he was gone in the morning, not so much as a note left behind. I told myself that I was too drunk to remember the night correctly, and for a while I almost believed it. But a person can only go so long believing the lies.
That was the first time we ever did anything together. It was the first time in a series of fateful events that would spiral into what our relationship has become. Perhaps I couldn’t forget the night because I’d known that it was the turning point in our friendship. Or maybe I just want so badly for it to be real that I just can’t let it go. Either way, the memory haunts me.
I found myself shaking my head to rid myself of the images flashing before my eyes. Remembering old times was not what I needed right then. I needed more alcohol.
Gingerly pulling myself from the comfortable couch, I grabbed four beers from the refrigerator and hauled them to my room. There’s nothing more pathetic than an old man drinking alone in his bed, but at that point I just wanted to forget. Forget that my Bam was gone, forget that I was trapped in this apartment alone, forget that I had to rely on alcohol to make myself feel the tiniest bit better.
~*~
I woke up the next morning to a splitting migraine and the knowledge that Bam hadn’t called. The call log on my phone was empty, the only alert flashing being that of the low battery. With a sigh I got up and retrieved some Advil, a small part of me hoping that today would be a good day; but I knew it wouldn’t be.
Seppo wanted us to start recording the next album this month, but I was already behind with songs and there was a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that I wouldn't meet the deadline. I needed to start cracking down, but every time I picked up a notebook my mind would go blank. All I could think about was Bam, and unfortunately that wasn’t enough inspiration to write on.
I poured myself a cup of coffee as I waited for the pop tarts to jump from the toaster, my eyes glancing over to the clock above the microwave and widening slightly when I realized it was already 2:30. What time did I finally pass out at last night? The pounding in my head told me the sun was up when my eyes closed. With a groan I lit a cigarette and pulled the plug on the pop tarts. I didn’t really want breakfast anyway.
My throat felt parched as I made my way to the phone, once again checking for missed calls that I might have overlooked ten minutes ago. There weren’t any, but I realized that I needed to call Linde about the evening’s events. Finding his name in the call log, I pressed TALK and frustratingly tapped my toe while waiting for him to pick up.
“Mikä?” An irritated voice called after the third ring.
“Hey Linde, it’s me. I’m just calling to check on today’s plans. What’s up?”
There was a pause and I heard him ruffling through something nearby. “Seppo wants us to go to some release party for the 69Eyes tonight, but that’s pretty much it.”
“I didn’t even know they recorded a new album,” I chuckled.
“Yeah,” I heard him light up a cigarette. “Well the party’s tonight at Travista, around nine-thirty I think. You should come; you don’t get out much these days.”
I tried to ignore that last comment and said, “I’ll see what I can do. I’ll call you later.”
We exchanged salutations and hung up. I found myself wanting to redial his number, just to have someone to talk to; but I knew that it would be pointless. I had to get used to living alone eventually.
~*~
Travista wasn’t a large venue, but it was comfortable and had a homey atmosphere to it. There was a body guard by the door, standing purposefully by the red rope with a clipboard in his hand. He checked to make sure I was on the list, going over it twice to make himself feel more powerful, before unlatching the velvet rope and letting me inside.
The atmosphere was gently laced with nicotine and spice, a scent that screamed ‘home’ the moment I walked through the doors. There were maybe three hundred people inside, talking amongst themselves and waiting anxiously for the new music to play. I meandered through the crowd and found an empty spot by the bar, far enough away from the spectators, but close enough to the door where friends would be able to spot me.
With a flick of my wrist I ordered a shot of vodka and swiveled around to face the stage. It was black except for the light shining off of the drum symbols in the back, casting a small but eerie light upon the marred wood of the stage. I remembered playing our first gigs here and the yearly New Years show, and a smile immediately jumped to my lips. This was where I belonged.
“Oi, Ville! Long time no see!” A voice called to me from somewhere to my left. I turned slightly to find Jussi leaning over the bar beside me, trying to flag down the bartender. When he realized it was a fruitless endeavor, he turned back to me and smiled. “I’m glad you could make it!”
I pushed my drink toward him and he gratefully gulped it down, sighing when the last drop washed down his throat. “Well I heard you guys were doing a release, so I had to come. It’s been ages since we’ve hung out together.”
“Tell me about it!” he smiled, finally getting the barkeeps attention and ordering four more shots. “Don’t worry, they’re on me.”
I smiled my thanks and took the offered shot, tossing it back quickly and ignoring the stinging bite of the strong vodka. “Are you guys planning a promo tour for this one?”
He sat down on the stool beside me, his elbows propped up on the bar and his tight ankh shirt riding up a bit to reveal a toned abdomen. “Of course we are, we’re even touring the States this time!”
“That’s fantastic. You know, we should do a tour together sometime,” I laughed, knocking back another shot.
“You have no idea how great that would be; we would pull in more American fans than ever before!” I found myself smiling again, a genuine one that made my head feel slightly foggy. The conversation went on that way for another twenty minutes before he was pulled away from me to go over the set list. I felt suddenly lonely without him by my side and began looking around the crowd for a familiar face. No one stuck out to me, so I just propped myself against the bar and ordered another round.
“It’s amazing how lonely you can feel in a room full of people, no?” the barkeep asked as he placed a drink in front of me. I had to look up to realize that he was talking to me, a smile flashing over my features as I took the drink.
“Yeah, it really is.”
“I’m a big fan of your band,” he said sheepishly, cleaning a glass to avoid eye contact with me.
“That’s great,” I managed a fake smile and pulled my eyes back to my drink.
“You know, I get out of here in a half-hour, if you want to maybe get a drink or something…”
My heart stopped when I noticed what he was doing. His hand was no longer cleaning glasses, but rather it was placed on my arms affectionately. I couldn’t help but pull away slightly.
“Actually, I’m sorry but I’m quite content with drinking right here,” I tried to let him down gently. “Plus, I’m taken.”
“Oh, I didn’t know that,” he turned around quickly, obviously embarrassed with his actions. “Sorry about that.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I smiled to his back, even though I knew he couldn’t see it.
I had the feeling that he was going to say something more, but just then the lights dimmed and amplifier feedback filled the club. The band’s manager announced the performance through the loudspeakers before the boys took their spots on stage.
The music was loud and enticing, heavier than their previous albums. To say I was intrigued was an understatement. The crowd began to scream and jump around to the beats, forming a mild pit at the edge of the stage. As Jyrki burst into the first song, I found myself turning away.
I knocked back one more shot and glanced up at the barkeep. He was busying himself at the other end of the bar, pouring a mixture for a lady in a sparkly halter top. When he caught me staring he flashed a smile my way and walked over.
“What time did you say you got off?” The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I found myself placing a hand on his arm.
“Right now,” he smirked, tossing a towel over his shoulder and moving to the back room. I knew from experience that he would be outside in any minute, so I made my way toward the door.
~*~
A/N: And there you have it. Sorry about the delay, my computer is a piece of shit. I was going to wait until I reformated to update, but I felt bad. The only downside is I can't save the chapter because I have a virus. But at least you guys have an update, and that's all that matters to me.
Comments = LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE