Life: Thy Name Is Infallible
Hey, [non-]reader!
I was going to write a lot. I had a lot to write, about how I sort of improved myself, I'm getting better at work, and as I do my mental health issues seem to be getting both better and worse. The amount of times this week I've heard basically every member of staff bitching about some aspect of my performance, and every single time I have to sit and remind myself that I'm being a fucking idiot. Had my first kitchen meltdown on Sunday, too... but I'd rather forget that and move on.
{sigh} I'm trying so hard to get on with it and be a normal, functional member of society, and... for fuck's sake, if it's not my own brain sabotaging me, it's totally my own brain sabotaging me. There's no point pretending otherwise anymore; underneath this cool and calm exterior, I'm a seething mess of paranoia, insecurity, and anxiety. I keep telling myself not to listen, not to give in to it, and... somehow I'm in an incredibly shitty situation in my head. If I tried to explain it to you, you'd laugh. That's the best thing about it - if I think about it, I'm fully aware of how ridiculous the whole thing is... and because the problem is entirely imaginary, it's time to quote my most-used phrase of the past month:
Fuck all to be done except just get on with it.
I was going to write a lot. I had a lot to write, about how I sort of improved myself, I'm getting better at work, and as I do my mental health issues seem to be getting both better and worse. The amount of times this week I've heard basically every member of staff bitching about some aspect of my performance, and every single time I have to sit and remind myself that I'm being a fucking idiot. Had my first kitchen meltdown on Sunday, too... but I'd rather forget that and move on.
{sigh} I'm trying so hard to get on with it and be a normal, functional member of society, and... for fuck's sake, if it's not my own brain sabotaging me, it's totally my own brain sabotaging me. There's no point pretending otherwise anymore; underneath this cool and calm exterior, I'm a seething mess of paranoia, insecurity, and anxiety. I keep telling myself not to listen, not to give in to it, and... somehow I'm in an incredibly shitty situation in my head. If I tried to explain it to you, you'd laugh. That's the best thing about it - if I think about it, I'm fully aware of how ridiculous the whole thing is... and because the problem is entirely imaginary, it's time to quote my most-used phrase of the past month:
Fuck all to be done except just get on with it.