Feb 18, 2005 09:03
A man walks into a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He looks at the selections:
Flute Brains $1/lb
Tuba Brains $10/lb
Percussion Brains $5/lb
Clarinet Brains $100/lb
He asks the butcher why clarinet brains are so expensive. The butcher replied, "Do you know how many clarinets you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"
Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose!
Q: What do you get when you cross a piccolo and a clarinet?
A: An earache.
Q: What's the difference between a clarinet and a mouse?
A: You can't hear a mouse squeak over the entire band!
Q: What's the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up an onion!
Q: Why do clarinetists put their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: Why do oboists put their oboes in clarinet cases?
A: So they won't get stolen!
Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: What do a clarinet and a law suit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: If most musicians are either high or low, what does that make an orchestral third clarinetist?
A: Confused.
Drummer Jokes
Q: What's the difference between drummers and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.
Q: What do you call a person who hangs around with musicians alot?
A: A drummer.
Q: How do you confuse a drummer?
A: Put music infront of him.
Q: If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
A: The drummer with bad time--the other three don't exist.
Q: Hey did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
A: Me neither.
more jokes
Two men were at a bar and one said, "Hey, I had my IQ checked and it was 175." The other responded, "That's a coincidence so is mine, what do you do for a living?" "I'm a physicist." Was the reply. Again came "that's a coincidence so am I."
This was overheard at a nearby table and these two compared IQ's at 160 and were surprised that they were both brain surgeons.
At another nearby table one man despondently said to the other "Did you hear that? I had my IQ checked and it was only 52." The other said, rather enthusiastically, "That's a coincidence. So is mine. What instrument do you play????"
: What do you need when a group of conductors are up to their necks in concrete?
A: More concrete.
Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
Q: Why is a conductor like a condom?
A: It's safer with one, but more fun without.
Five minutes before a concert, the manager is running around in hysterics. "We can't find the conductor!" he cries. Running out to the audience, he asks if anyone can conduct. No one. He runs out to the street and asks again. No one. Finally, in a last desperate attempt, he runs to the alley where he finds a dog, a cat, and a horse. "Can any of you conduct?" he asks. "I don't know," they replied, "But we'll give it a try." Each gives it a try starting with the cat, but he just can't seem to get his ears to twitch in time. Then the dog gives it a try, but he can't seem to wag his tail in time either. Finally, the horse tries. "Perfect, that's perfect!" the manager cries, "Come, quickly!" "You don't think the orchestra will mind?" the horse asks.
"Trust me," the manager says, "They'll never know the difference!"
Q: Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet under?
A: Because deep down, he was a really nice guy.
Q: If you were in a room with Hitler, Hussein, and a conductor and had a gun but only two bullets, what should you do?
A: Shoot the conductor twice--just in case.
You know you’re a band geek when…
The following ()’s are my little comments…
1) You're walking down the hall in step with all your friends. you look at your watch and you realize you're all walking at 120.{you walk down the hall and your perfectly instep with your friends without ever knowing it}
2) You would never go out with someone unless they're a musician
3) your friends get mad at you because you try to practice on the phone
4) You have a favorite key signature
5) you have a favorite time signature
6) You spend more time at school than you do at home(majorly)
7) You find yourself rolling your feet when you walk and standing at a 45 when you stop
8) You practice your 7 to 5(8 to 5) whenever you walk down the hall in front of the band room
9) You spend more time in the band room than any other place at school
10) You use the term "Low Brass" to describe anything disgusting
11) You spend more time practicing than watching tv and talking on the phone put together
12) You think "SWEAT IS SEXY"
13) You practice paradiddles when you have nothing better to do in class(yes!)
14) Everyone you know swears that you must have some kind of oral fixation on your instrument
15) You go to Wall-Mart late at night/early in the morning on Fridays and Saturdays
16) You enjoy listening to professional bagpipe music
17) You own at least 1 cd of a professional orchestra
18) You know who JPS is
19) The person that you idolize lived in the 16th or 17th century and is now "decomposing"
20) You have to force yourself to pick between 91.5 and 105.1
21) You listen for chord structure on the songs on the radio
22) You think triplets are cool
23) You can name at least 3 different clans by their plaid
24) You like to go bowling, golfing, and you eat altoids
25) You know the actual length of a brass instrument when it's not all twisted up.
26) You spend more time on your reeds than you do on homework
27) When someone asks you "how do you feel?" you respond "I feel good, oh I feel so good!!!"
28) When you can't hear your teachers, you ask them to "sound off"or "tap it off"
29) You have the e-mail addresses of at least 2 band directors
30) You begin to enjoy waking up at 5 am on Saturday mornings for competitions
31) You have an emotional attachment to your instrument(s)
32) You conduct to the songs that you hear in your head or on the radio
33) You think of what instruments non-band people would play if they were in band
34) You actually notice the music in movies, and talk about it more than the actual movie
35) You wouldn't mind dating a guy in a kilt
36) You understand the double meaning of "trombones know more positions"
37) You have a music stand in your bedroom
38) You carry your mace around school
39) You wait in line for an amusement park ride and you yell at everyone to "GUIDE!!!"
40) You have a little friend named BOB
41) When you can map out a family tree including every one of your friends.
42) You honestly don't know what you would do if you couldn't hang out in front of the band room.
43) When you try to spell "BAND" in your alphabet soup
44) you think practicing in your bathroom is fun
45) you can eat, drink, and sleep in time.
46) You CAN understand what the drum major is saying
47) When you're bored in class you write out the music that's in your head on your notes.
48) You wear boxer shorts over your pants on Wednesday nights
49) You try to spin your instrument and play your mace.
50) You have a strange obsession with making fun of short blonde people
51) You use the band's special "good luck" handshake with all the other band people in your class before a test
52) You have a metronome & a tuner next to your clock radio
53) you make a list of band rituals and title it "You Know You're A Band Geek When..."
54)when you hear the "old navy-find magic" tv commercials and you crank them up cause you think the music would make a good marching show (yes!)
55)when you rush out to go buy the cd that your marching show is from(oh geez, I did that)
56)your proud of the tanline from your drum harness(oh yeah)
57)you hang out in the "MARCHING BAND" chat room on aol =)
58)you get a drum cadence stuck in your head all day (that’s me)
59)looking around your house you see various sheetmusic scattered all about
60)you complain the ESPN should have Drum Corps competitions broadcasted(they should!!)
61) you annoy all your friends by singing your opener all day in class
62) (guard people only) you walk up and down the hallways preforming your show with a pretend flag
63) you get yelled at by your teachers for getting up and dancing to your show in the middle of class (guard people only again)
64) You understand everything on this list!
65) You actually read this and yell out "AND PROUD OF IT!!!"
66) You fight over who's better, drumline or anything. But we all know drumline is.
67) You go around school bragging about what instrument you play.
68) You take marching band seriously.
69) You make fun of the band director instead of other kids.
70) You go to football games just to listen to the marching band play.
71) In your spare time, you dream about being the most perfect drum player/trumpet player or whatever you are.
72) While waiting for your computer to load you play drum cadences on the desk with your hands and hit the floor with your feet.
I must be a band nerd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!