(no subject)
Fred,
I'm sorry I couldn't tell you this in person. I wanted to, and I know that
you deserve so much better than a crappy email "explaining" myself, but I
guess I'm a coward.
The past week... I haven't been hanging out with coworkers. I lied to you.
There was a boy, a boy I really did like (I met him after we broke up). We
went out on a few dates, and I slept with him. We ended up deciding to
break it off, due to various reasons on both our sides, but it's still
something I'm trying to deal with.
If you hate me or never want to talk to me again, I understand.
I don't know why I did this, and I wish now that I hadn't.
I really don't think I deserve you anymore,
Meghan.
Note that she lied to me numerous times about what was going on, on her end. This started happening maybe about a week after we broke up, and during the course of these events, she told me that she wanted to get back together with me. We were working out okay, I was trying really hard to be a good person for her, and then all of a sudden she throws this at me and tells me that we can't be together any more. I am upset, I've had a bad week, my co-worker killed himself, my grandpa may end up being a quadripilegic, and now this.
Of course, I feel pretty betrayed about everything. A year's worth of telling myself that everything was okay, that no matter what happened, at least I would have her love. And now I don't. And now I realize that it's for the best. I'm putting this out there in the open because I don't want to turn back to her, and I want to close that avenue by any means necessary.
I tried to forgive her, to say that I would be okay if we kept on working towards being whole again. She refused me, she got agitated. And now she's forcing me to pick up after myself, to work through the fact that, at least from the end of my trip to see her and probably longer, she had stopped loving me, and had moved on in her mind. Continually, through this process, she would tell me that we would get married, that we would be forever, deceiving me until she was sure she could go through with the whole break-up.
Apparently, she had left her house last night, unannounced, to see this boy again. Out the whole night. This morning, I called her house, spoke to her mother, who was surprised that she was not home. Her mother began to worry, until Meghan came home a couple hours later. Because of her agitation, because I brought up the fact that Meghan had run away for the night, Meghan has forbidden me from trying to call her house. Because I had made a request to talk to her this morning, not knowing that she had gone.
It seems as though Meghan has changed quite a bit since I first met her, and certainly not for the better. She seems to have thrown away the ideals, values and virtues that made her so easy to love. I regret this fact dearly, as I feel inherently responsible. Granted, the decisions she made were hers to make, but she would not have had to make them had I been better towards her.
I don't know where my life will lead me. This will likely be the last entry I make in this LJ. How can I love again, knowing the bitter scars of betrayal in the deepest parts of my heart? How can I go on trusting anyone, when the most trustworthy person I have ever met has lied to me, hurt me, let me go?
Let this be my final note to you, Meghan. I have lost all faith in everything that you've ever stood for in my life. Everything you've done has undone all the love that you once showed me. I can't continue on believing that you were ever good for me, that the one that I was supposed to spend my life with would do what she did, and I would do what I do now to her.
I will dispose of your pictures, your letters, your name. And, if God has any sympathy left for one as terrible as me, I will forget our memories.
You weren't worth it, Meghan. I promise you that.