I need to make changes
My life as I know it, is not working for me.
My attitude, my schedule, my everything.
It's causing me way too much stress. It lost me the only thing important to me.
My biggest problem is my lack of emotion. I've picked this up from my father. My entire life I've only seen him cry once, and that was barely a cry. He is more of an emotional recluse than I am. I've grown up watching him, making myself believe that to show emotion is to show weakness. I've shielded myself from everyone I've ever known, never letting down my guard. I was afraid to. Thinking that somehow by opening myself up to people gives them an opportunity to use it against me, or to use me.
I think this is part of the reason she was driven away from me. I could never open up to her. I never really let her know me. I never told her how I really felt about her. I didn't tell her how much I appreciated her enough. Because for some goddamned reason I was afraid to. So instead I put on a mask of an emotionless dickhead and scare her away.
This is my problem
THIS is how I am fixing it.
I'm going to post here more often. More of my feelings, more of what I do. I thought about a private journal, but I think putting it somewhere where real people can read it will lhelp me conquer my fear or something. Whether people actually read it, I don't know. Honestly, I skip over most entries on my friends page like that. But still.
We'll see how it works out.
My attitude, my schedule, my everything.
It's causing me way too much stress. It lost me the only thing important to me.
My biggest problem is my lack of emotion. I've picked this up from my father. My entire life I've only seen him cry once, and that was barely a cry. He is more of an emotional recluse than I am. I've grown up watching him, making myself believe that to show emotion is to show weakness. I've shielded myself from everyone I've ever known, never letting down my guard. I was afraid to. Thinking that somehow by opening myself up to people gives them an opportunity to use it against me, or to use me.
I think this is part of the reason she was driven away from me. I could never open up to her. I never really let her know me. I never told her how I really felt about her. I didn't tell her how much I appreciated her enough. Because for some goddamned reason I was afraid to. So instead I put on a mask of an emotionless dickhead and scare her away.
This is my problem
THIS is how I am fixing it.
I'm going to post here more often. More of my feelings, more of what I do. I thought about a private journal, but I think putting it somewhere where real people can read it will lhelp me conquer my fear or something. Whether people actually read it, I don't know. Honestly, I skip over most entries on my friends page like that. But still.
We'll see how it works out.