Changes
I have a break between classes so I came to the library and was reading past entries. It's so strange to see how certain things have changed about me while other things have remained stubbornly true over the last five years or so. In some ways I'm almost opposite. I was far too independent, often to the point I came off as cold and heartless. Now I'm very dependent on key people, namely Kyle. I somehow got myself into this tailspin where I'm becoming somebody that can only be defined by somebody else and only function if i'm content with my relationship with somebody else. (Somebody else= Kyle). BUT, I am starting to sort all of this out and figure out how to gain a happy medium. This month I think I have done incredibly well in making my way towards the middle. I love Kyle very much. He is a large part of my life. I want him to continue to be and hopefully become more a part of it than he is (ie: marriage!) But, he is not my entire life. My life is my goals, my hopes, my fears, my problems. My life is school, work, family, and friends. Kyle fits into that, but he isn't that solely. In order to be happy with myself and also in order to be happy with Kyle and I, I must keep that fact in mind. I am not as weak as I think I am. I do not need him to completely take care of me and take all my problems away. I need him to do exactly what he has been doing from the start: being there beside me as I live my life. Supporting me, yes. Helping me, yes. Caring about me, yes. Holding me together? No. I don't need somebody to hold me together. I need somebody to show me that I can do it myself. He does this and always has. THAT is what I mean when I say he is perfect for me. He is the perfect balance that is sometimes hard for me to see. I love him and I believe we are finally starting to really work. What has been missing for ten months is finally starting to come into play. We do work. I always knew we could, I just didn't know exactly how. :)