Fic: Persistence, Pt.5 (Saiyuki, R)
Title: Persistence
Chapter Title: You and Me Were Meant to Be
Fandom: Saiyuki
Characters: Ukoku and Hakkai, Gojyo/Sanzo, Hazel/Sanzo (onsesided)
Prompt: Table 1/Prompt 5/spiral staircase
Words: 2094
Rating: R
Warnings: more creepiness, yaoi, gore
Summary: Ukoku makes his pitch
Notes: Inspired by the physical resemblance between Ukoku and Hakkai. Here are parts one, two, three and four. Special thanks to lawless523 for her beta review.
++
You were in a grand dance hall, the sort of place you'd read about back at the orphanage when it was "lights out": rich white marble and orchestral music- oh! Just as you'd imagined, right down to the open air balcony. Was that the sky? It looked like blue velvet and the stars were like-
"Diamonds?"
Yes. You turned around. "Oh, it's you."
"Who'd you expect?" Ukoku, of course. But not like this. Not in a black (all black) tuxedo. And not offering his hand. You were all in white. From head to toe: white patent leather shoes, white coat (and tails!). White, white, white. "The symbolism's a tad overstated. Grin and bear it, will you?"
"I don't think I have a choice."
He took your hand. He turned you around. And there you were, in each other's arms- dancing?
Seriously?
He smiled. "Now you couldn't be more wrong about that. You do have a choice. A choice where it counts."
"You want my soul."
Funny how you let him lead. How he would turn and turn and turn! How somehow it didn't even feel like your feet were on the ground.
"Don't be so stubborn. I know you don't like it, but you only have a half. No amount of disliking facts changes them."
He pressed his forehead against yours. Looked deep into your eyes. Stars burned brightly all around you as the music receded. And all you could see was him. Just him, and yourself in his eyes.
"Think about it. This familiar feeling you have around me? This connection? It's no coincidence. It's logical. You and I are two parts of a whole."
"It doesn't matter. I am unique. My own self, no longer a part of you."
"Wonderful. I like your stubborn streak. I miss it, actually." He stopped turning. And suddenly you two were in the sky, surrounded by diamonds and lush velvet. "But what's that brought you? Remember, you got all the stuff that would've held me back. How's that turned out for you? Besides the constant heartbreak and misery?"
"And yet you want it." You smiled back at him.
"Ah, think you've finally got that upper hand, kid? And, yeah. I do want it back. I want to feel a twinge of regret. Savor a sunset. Actually feel something when I ruin a life, even if it's guilt. Anything besides this mind-numbing boredom."
You blinked. The stars gleamed. The music played louder than ever. and you two descended a spiral staircase, hand in hand. "The boredom..." You tried to get the words out. "Is the boredom really so terrible that you would even want to feel all my..." You couldn't say pain. Pride stopped you. "Emotions?" Though for the first time you depended on his ability to know you.
He stopped. He did not look back. "We each have exactly what the other wants."
You pulled your hand away. Stayed where you were. Shook you head. "No. This life is hard but I ... I... want to keep my identity. Myself."
You shook your head.
The music stopped. The ballroom faded. The stars fell down all around you, and he laughed. Laughed as you stood firm. "Oh, Hakkai. You really think that's what you want, too. I remember wishing people could appreciate how miserable I made myself, just to prove a point. Good to see that particular little psychic node still exists. Good, good for you." He ruffled your hair. "But, no. You don't really want to be this-" He waved at you. Made a face at you. "You are too desperate for love. But love ends in disaster." He put his arm around your shoulders. Whispered: "You can't handle it. And why?" You could take that sutra. It was around his shoulders again. "Because you're half a person, silly!" Then he stepped back, rolled the sutra up and tossed it in the air.
++
"You enjoy traveling to the West?" Ukoku waved at street. Grunted. Smacked the dust out of his robes.
"This is a town we traveled through about two months ago." It was night, but you recognized the western construction of the inn and the distinct red sunflowers grown in pots which lined the streets.
"You do laundry. There is some chemical trick keep dust off clothes. Let's do that when this is all taken care of. Dust is so damn dirty."
"Fussy, aren't you?"
"Only when the part requires." He snapped his fingers. "And speaking of parts, here come some players, now." He pointed. And you saw.
It was Sanzo. Sanzo marching out of a bar with that Hazel person right behind him. Hazel: that simpering, primping, preening and so damn self righteous.
"Ah-ah-ah. Let's not get ahead of ourselves."
Ukoku was next to him. Smiling as he watched that pouting mouth move.
"Mr. Sanzo, just hear me out. I have the loveliest bottle of Chablis in my suite. Just a few moments of your time..."
Ukoku rolled his eyes. Sanzo did, too. "Oh, still comes on strong. Even as a boy angel-eyes over here never did beat around the bush when he wanted something. No patience. Everything had to come to him right away. Annoying, right?" Then Ukoku blew in Hazel's ear, made him stop for a moment. Blink.
"My goodness. You're really attached to those monsters."
You winced at that word. Ukoku grinned. But Sanzo just walked away. Away from Hazel. From you and Ukoku.
"Where do you suppose he's going?" Ukoku tip-toed behind him. "It's not the inn."
You didn't know, and so you followed. Perhaps if you borrowed Sanzo's scroll-
"Oh, that thing?" Ukoku reached out and flicked it with his fingers. "It has a thing about present tense. Creation and living-in-the-moment and all that."
"Meaning it's here-not-here."
Ukoku shrugged. "Now..." He stopped as Sanzo stopped in an allyway. Lit a cigarette as he lit. Snapped his fingers as a shadow appeared. Chuckled as the shadow lit his own. Showed his face. It was Gojyo.
Ukoku sat on a crate. "And here's the real contender for your fearless leader's affections. Clearly everyone's favorite homoerotic fantasy."
Gojyo reached out. Combed the hair out of Sanzo's eyes. "Problems with your boyfriend, Cherry?"
"Jealous?"
"Nah. I felt sorry for him."
"Right." Sanzo was leaning against the wall, leering at him. "I bet you did."
And then Gojyo bent his head. So close. You used to dream of his mouth moving so close to yours. "You want him?"
Ukoku patted your shoulder.
"Yes. This is why I am here letting you drool all over me, because I want Hazel. Fucking idiot."
Suddenly Sanzo was... his mouth was... and Gojyo closed his eyes. Dropped his cigarette as he wrapped his arms around Sanzo. As if he never wanted to let him go.
Ukoku was watching you. Closely. "Heart rate acceleration, pupil dilation, Flushed skin. Oh, I remember voyeurism. Why did I give that to you? Well, Hakkai, this must really hurt. After all, this is what you tell yourself you want with Gojyo. It would feel so good. So much better than being some cast-off orphan, let alone murderer. And yet there he was, the object of your affection, giving himself to Genjo."
"I'm not shocked. I had my suspicions."
"Duh. Not the point. Don't you listen?"
"If I found it so intolerable, I could have left."
"No. Leaving is out of the question."
Sanzo moaned as Gojyo backed him up against the wall. As Gojyo pushed his knee between his legs. Hiked up his robes. Licked his neck. And bit.
You bit. Bit your lip. The inside of your cheek. Held your breath as Gojyo fell to his knees. As Sanzo-
"Please don't say something like, I would let them. We both know you hate the way Genjo treats him. He must put your little joyboy through some real hell."
"Of all people, you ought to know I am not passive."
"That's a bold statement." He rubbed his knuckle against your cheek. Laughed when you turned away. "But we both know you are afraid of that aggressive nature. No. Passivity is safe. Passivity makes you a nice guy. Or at least pass for one. If I took you back you would pretend you never saw this."
The street faded as the Naught surrounded you both.
"Look into my eyes." Ukoku grabbed you by the shoulders. And you did. They were so empty. So empty that they were voids drawing you in.
"All this desire to become one with someone. You had that with her. You have so much passion, Hakkai. And you want to express it. Even if you can't share it. You'd do anything for that half breed."
The spaces between each subatomic particle within the cosmos labeled you widened. Pulsed. And then-
You were in a dark room. You were covered in blood. And you were holding a knife.
"Familiar, isn't it? The gore is ankle deep, too. Oh, watch out for the guts. Stomach acids-they could ruin your shoes."
This- again? The adrenaline had you shivering. And there was the feeling. That fire in your blood. You wanted, you wanted so badly you could taste it. You wanted to kill. Kill everything.
"Everything which dares to live." He licked his lips.
And when they came in, that hoard of demons screaming for your head, when they charged you, when they showed their teeth and claws and rage
and bloodlust you showed them how the edge of your knife felt: from the bottom of their chin, down through the throat, the breastplate, into the soft meat and gut in their bellies and right through their groins. Their blood was everywhere. The air, the walls, your clothes, your tongue.
All you could feel was the rage. The blinding, blinding rage. You
would find its focus. And they would pay. Over and over.
You slashed through. Movements became the measure of moments. An evisceration here, decapitation there. Mutilation. Gouging. It wasn't enough. Not nearly enough feed the need in you. The raging, aching appetite-
And you ran when you were done. Ran to the cell. Ran to the scene you'd played out a million times in your memory.
But you didn't see her behind the bars. No. You saw him. You saw-
"No!"
++
It was a beautiful scene. A blood red sunrise, complete with autumn leaves and a dying Earth.
And you were standing there, watching Ukoku, dressed in novitiate robes, slaughter five men: four monks and a Sanzo priest. There was no passion in the process, only blood and flesh and a deadly chill. He stood there when he was done. He stood there, smiling at another Sanzo- one he would not kill.
He smiled so sadly, but you knew it was for effect. So were the tears. Ukoku had felt nothing.
Then he looked at you. Spoke to you. "Another graduation of sorts." Stood before you. Together the both of you were bathed in blood. It was sticky, and it smelled so... He did not seem to really care. No, he was just standing there, watching you struggle to clean your monocle.
"What?"
"Avoiding the obvious?"
"We kill people."
"Hakkai," he put a hand on your shoulder. "What did I say about
wasting time? We both know what you are bound to do- again. First there was Kanan, and next comes Gojyo. You think love is salvation, but you ignore the fact that salvation is mindless. You get carried away."
You rub dried blood between your fingertips.
"You don't care about peace of mind, but what about peace? How many will you kill for? How many times will you fall into that despair?" He pressed his bloody forehead against yours. "No, my hands are not clean. Far from it. But I don't care. Perhaps if you cared less you could stop the cycle from repeating itself."
"And yet Gojyo and the others could still die."
"Kid, we'll all die. So what? I'm talking about something else. I'm talking about the lack of balance in is both. We are each other's solution."
You shut your eyes. "No. I can not give the enemy what he wants."
"You're right. I do have something to gain. Everything is too easy without passion. Too clear. Too obvious. I'm so damn bored. I'll do anything-"
"Anything?" You opened your eyes.
"Yes- good grief! And don't ask me if I really mean it, because we both know that's a pointless question since liars are just as quick to say yes."
You cocked your head. Studied his face. "Let's talk."
Chapter Title: You and Me Were Meant to Be
Fandom: Saiyuki
Characters: Ukoku and Hakkai, Gojyo/Sanzo, Hazel/Sanzo (onsesided)
Prompt: Table 1/Prompt 5/spiral staircase
Words: 2094
Rating: R
Warnings: more creepiness, yaoi, gore
Summary: Ukoku makes his pitch
Notes: Inspired by the physical resemblance between Ukoku and Hakkai. Here are parts one, two, three and four. Special thanks to lawless523 for her beta review.
++
You were in a grand dance hall, the sort of place you'd read about back at the orphanage when it was "lights out": rich white marble and orchestral music- oh! Just as you'd imagined, right down to the open air balcony. Was that the sky? It looked like blue velvet and the stars were like-
"Diamonds?"
Yes. You turned around. "Oh, it's you."
"Who'd you expect?" Ukoku, of course. But not like this. Not in a black (all black) tuxedo. And not offering his hand. You were all in white. From head to toe: white patent leather shoes, white coat (and tails!). White, white, white. "The symbolism's a tad overstated. Grin and bear it, will you?"
"I don't think I have a choice."
He took your hand. He turned you around. And there you were, in each other's arms- dancing?
Seriously?
He smiled. "Now you couldn't be more wrong about that. You do have a choice. A choice where it counts."
"You want my soul."
Funny how you let him lead. How he would turn and turn and turn! How somehow it didn't even feel like your feet were on the ground.
"Don't be so stubborn. I know you don't like it, but you only have a half. No amount of disliking facts changes them."
He pressed his forehead against yours. Looked deep into your eyes. Stars burned brightly all around you as the music receded. And all you could see was him. Just him, and yourself in his eyes.
"Think about it. This familiar feeling you have around me? This connection? It's no coincidence. It's logical. You and I are two parts of a whole."
"It doesn't matter. I am unique. My own self, no longer a part of you."
"Wonderful. I like your stubborn streak. I miss it, actually." He stopped turning. And suddenly you two were in the sky, surrounded by diamonds and lush velvet. "But what's that brought you? Remember, you got all the stuff that would've held me back. How's that turned out for you? Besides the constant heartbreak and misery?"
"And yet you want it." You smiled back at him.
"Ah, think you've finally got that upper hand, kid? And, yeah. I do want it back. I want to feel a twinge of regret. Savor a sunset. Actually feel something when I ruin a life, even if it's guilt. Anything besides this mind-numbing boredom."
You blinked. The stars gleamed. The music played louder than ever. and you two descended a spiral staircase, hand in hand. "The boredom..." You tried to get the words out. "Is the boredom really so terrible that you would even want to feel all my..." You couldn't say pain. Pride stopped you. "Emotions?" Though for the first time you depended on his ability to know you.
He stopped. He did not look back. "We each have exactly what the other wants."
You pulled your hand away. Stayed where you were. Shook you head. "No. This life is hard but I ... I... want to keep my identity. Myself."
You shook your head.
The music stopped. The ballroom faded. The stars fell down all around you, and he laughed. Laughed as you stood firm. "Oh, Hakkai. You really think that's what you want, too. I remember wishing people could appreciate how miserable I made myself, just to prove a point. Good to see that particular little psychic node still exists. Good, good for you." He ruffled your hair. "But, no. You don't really want to be this-" He waved at you. Made a face at you. "You are too desperate for love. But love ends in disaster." He put his arm around your shoulders. Whispered: "You can't handle it. And why?" You could take that sutra. It was around his shoulders again. "Because you're half a person, silly!" Then he stepped back, rolled the sutra up and tossed it in the air.
++
"You enjoy traveling to the West?" Ukoku waved at street. Grunted. Smacked the dust out of his robes.
"This is a town we traveled through about two months ago." It was night, but you recognized the western construction of the inn and the distinct red sunflowers grown in pots which lined the streets.
"You do laundry. There is some chemical trick keep dust off clothes. Let's do that when this is all taken care of. Dust is so damn dirty."
"Fussy, aren't you?"
"Only when the part requires." He snapped his fingers. "And speaking of parts, here come some players, now." He pointed. And you saw.
It was Sanzo. Sanzo marching out of a bar with that Hazel person right behind him. Hazel: that simpering, primping, preening and so damn self righteous.
"Ah-ah-ah. Let's not get ahead of ourselves."
Ukoku was next to him. Smiling as he watched that pouting mouth move.
"Mr. Sanzo, just hear me out. I have the loveliest bottle of Chablis in my suite. Just a few moments of your time..."
Ukoku rolled his eyes. Sanzo did, too. "Oh, still comes on strong. Even as a boy angel-eyes over here never did beat around the bush when he wanted something. No patience. Everything had to come to him right away. Annoying, right?" Then Ukoku blew in Hazel's ear, made him stop for a moment. Blink.
"My goodness. You're really attached to those monsters."
You winced at that word. Ukoku grinned. But Sanzo just walked away. Away from Hazel. From you and Ukoku.
"Where do you suppose he's going?" Ukoku tip-toed behind him. "It's not the inn."
You didn't know, and so you followed. Perhaps if you borrowed Sanzo's scroll-
"Oh, that thing?" Ukoku reached out and flicked it with his fingers. "It has a thing about present tense. Creation and living-in-the-moment and all that."
"Meaning it's here-not-here."
Ukoku shrugged. "Now..." He stopped as Sanzo stopped in an allyway. Lit a cigarette as he lit. Snapped his fingers as a shadow appeared. Chuckled as the shadow lit his own. Showed his face. It was Gojyo.
Ukoku sat on a crate. "And here's the real contender for your fearless leader's affections. Clearly everyone's favorite homoerotic fantasy."
Gojyo reached out. Combed the hair out of Sanzo's eyes. "Problems with your boyfriend, Cherry?"
"Jealous?"
"Nah. I felt sorry for him."
"Right." Sanzo was leaning against the wall, leering at him. "I bet you did."
And then Gojyo bent his head. So close. You used to dream of his mouth moving so close to yours. "You want him?"
Ukoku patted your shoulder.
"Yes. This is why I am here letting you drool all over me, because I want Hazel. Fucking idiot."
Suddenly Sanzo was... his mouth was... and Gojyo closed his eyes. Dropped his cigarette as he wrapped his arms around Sanzo. As if he never wanted to let him go.
Ukoku was watching you. Closely. "Heart rate acceleration, pupil dilation, Flushed skin. Oh, I remember voyeurism. Why did I give that to you? Well, Hakkai, this must really hurt. After all, this is what you tell yourself you want with Gojyo. It would feel so good. So much better than being some cast-off orphan, let alone murderer. And yet there he was, the object of your affection, giving himself to Genjo."
"I'm not shocked. I had my suspicions."
"Duh. Not the point. Don't you listen?"
"If I found it so intolerable, I could have left."
"No. Leaving is out of the question."
Sanzo moaned as Gojyo backed him up against the wall. As Gojyo pushed his knee between his legs. Hiked up his robes. Licked his neck. And bit.
You bit. Bit your lip. The inside of your cheek. Held your breath as Gojyo fell to his knees. As Sanzo-
"Please don't say something like, I would let them. We both know you hate the way Genjo treats him. He must put your little joyboy through some real hell."
"Of all people, you ought to know I am not passive."
"That's a bold statement." He rubbed his knuckle against your cheek. Laughed when you turned away. "But we both know you are afraid of that aggressive nature. No. Passivity is safe. Passivity makes you a nice guy. Or at least pass for one. If I took you back you would pretend you never saw this."
The street faded as the Naught surrounded you both.
"Look into my eyes." Ukoku grabbed you by the shoulders. And you did. They were so empty. So empty that they were voids drawing you in.
"All this desire to become one with someone. You had that with her. You have so much passion, Hakkai. And you want to express it. Even if you can't share it. You'd do anything for that half breed."
The spaces between each subatomic particle within the cosmos labeled you widened. Pulsed. And then-
You were in a dark room. You were covered in blood. And you were holding a knife.
"Familiar, isn't it? The gore is ankle deep, too. Oh, watch out for the guts. Stomach acids-they could ruin your shoes."
This- again? The adrenaline had you shivering. And there was the feeling. That fire in your blood. You wanted, you wanted so badly you could taste it. You wanted to kill. Kill everything.
"Everything which dares to live." He licked his lips.
And when they came in, that hoard of demons screaming for your head, when they charged you, when they showed their teeth and claws and rage
and bloodlust you showed them how the edge of your knife felt: from the bottom of their chin, down through the throat, the breastplate, into the soft meat and gut in their bellies and right through their groins. Their blood was everywhere. The air, the walls, your clothes, your tongue.
All you could feel was the rage. The blinding, blinding rage. You
would find its focus. And they would pay. Over and over.
You slashed through. Movements became the measure of moments. An evisceration here, decapitation there. Mutilation. Gouging. It wasn't enough. Not nearly enough feed the need in you. The raging, aching appetite-
And you ran when you were done. Ran to the cell. Ran to the scene you'd played out a million times in your memory.
But you didn't see her behind the bars. No. You saw him. You saw-
"No!"
++
It was a beautiful scene. A blood red sunrise, complete with autumn leaves and a dying Earth.
And you were standing there, watching Ukoku, dressed in novitiate robes, slaughter five men: four monks and a Sanzo priest. There was no passion in the process, only blood and flesh and a deadly chill. He stood there when he was done. He stood there, smiling at another Sanzo- one he would not kill.
He smiled so sadly, but you knew it was for effect. So were the tears. Ukoku had felt nothing.
Then he looked at you. Spoke to you. "Another graduation of sorts." Stood before you. Together the both of you were bathed in blood. It was sticky, and it smelled so... He did not seem to really care. No, he was just standing there, watching you struggle to clean your monocle.
"What?"
"Avoiding the obvious?"
"We kill people."
"Hakkai," he put a hand on your shoulder. "What did I say about
wasting time? We both know what you are bound to do- again. First there was Kanan, and next comes Gojyo. You think love is salvation, but you ignore the fact that salvation is mindless. You get carried away."
You rub dried blood between your fingertips.
"You don't care about peace of mind, but what about peace? How many will you kill for? How many times will you fall into that despair?" He pressed his bloody forehead against yours. "No, my hands are not clean. Far from it. But I don't care. Perhaps if you cared less you could stop the cycle from repeating itself."
"And yet Gojyo and the others could still die."
"Kid, we'll all die. So what? I'm talking about something else. I'm talking about the lack of balance in is both. We are each other's solution."
You shut your eyes. "No. I can not give the enemy what he wants."
"You're right. I do have something to gain. Everything is too easy without passion. Too clear. Too obvious. I'm so damn bored. I'll do anything-"
"Anything?" You opened your eyes.
"Yes- good grief! And don't ask me if I really mean it, because we both know that's a pointless question since liars are just as quick to say yes."
You cocked your head. Studied his face. "Let's talk."