Fic: Persistence (Saiyuki, R)
Title: Persistence
Chapter Title: Pie, Oh My!
Fandom: Saiyuki
Pairing: Implied Gojyo/Hakkai, Kanan/Hakkai, and (you knew it was coming) implied Ukoku/Hakkai
Prompt: Table 1/Prompt 3/"step forward"
Words: 2359
Rating: R
Warnings: Angst, hetero and homosexuality
Summary: Ukoku takes Hakkai back in time to the shack he shared with Gojyo.
Notes: Here are parts one and two. How does this fit the prompt? Well, sort of: the plot is "stepping forward," even if it's set in the past. Special thanks to laurose8 for the concrit and Hakkai insight which inspired this part's revision.
++
Suddenly you were there. Somewhere- at least you had your footing- wait! The ground was meters and meters below you! And if he hadn't caught you by that sash that skinny body of yours would have translated to pulp on that grassy field.
"They say you shouldn't look down." He chuckled. "But take a gander."
You did, if only to show him you weren't afraid. It was a long ways down there. A very long ways. The physics student in you wanted to know: how? And suddenly the answer came with a flap. You had wings?
"Of course you do. All birds have them."
Birds? Wings?
Ah! They were white. So were you- all white from what you could see - and this was quite a bit given that you could rotate your head at nearly 360 degrees.
"Hope you don't mind the obvious imagery. Dove and raven." Oh, there he was. Black feathers and all. "It seemed to fit."
So it did. Odd, that moving, talking beak seemed nearly natural. As natural as flight. And you both swooped above the landscape, as if you two belonged. As if you two had flown together many times before.
He led you over a grassy glade which went on and on. Was it the one near Chang'An? Yes, it was. But it was this way before the wave had hit, before chaos decimated the lush fauna of Shangri La.
"So this is the past."
"Your past, Hakkai. I told you."
There was a village. Yes, you knew the place- it was Chang'An. Not the Chang'An you'd left behind, not dusty and desolate. No. It was lush, green and sprawling with radish farms rolling over the hills and little huts. There were more and more huts until they made crisscross patterns lining busy streets strewn with oxcarts, townfolk...
"Isn't that your place?"
Yes, there it was: the little tin roof shack at the end of a long line of tin roofed shacks too-near shanty town.
You perched yourself on the edge of the corrugated rusty roof, over the entrance. He was next to you, dangling suddenly-human legs and suddenly-priestly robes over the doorway. A plastic bag blew across the driveway. A dog stopped to lift a leg and pay respects to the flower pot you'd put out on the porch.
"Charming." Ukoku lit a cigarette. "Quaint, even."
You studied his profile. Calculated the speed and dexterity necessary to snatch that Scripture off his shoulders. Two seconds? Ah, but he would need a distraction...
"Yes, yes. And what would that be? The one I don't manage to hear in your thoughts? The one unanticipated by a Sanzo who can control time and space?" His eyebrow went up. "I meant it when I said charming. Can't you take a compliment?"
"I am aware of what it was. I simply made the best of it." Could you somehow mask your thoughts? Perhaps remembering music or poetry would distract him.
"I like western blues music, incidentally. Love that stuff about the devil and crossroads. Anything but tercets and no improvised lymerics. Everyone thinks he's Ogden Nash. Ah..." The front door shut. "What's that old Western saying about pearls before swine?" He turned his attention to the humming and sweeping down below. "Do you think this is a pearl or a pig?"
You blinked. You knew what that was, who that was, on the porch below.
"Feel like coming on down? Maybe say hi, have a nice cup of tea?"
"No."
"Oh!" He chuckled. Rubbed his hands together. Chucked his smoke into the beloved African violet patch you'd planted near the gutters. "You are a nervous one, aren't you? What, now? Worried the universe will explode if two "yous" meet?" You refused to answer. You cleared your mind. Focused yourself. "Wouldn't you like to know?" He tugged at your arm. "Let's test this hypothesis. Aren't you curious?"
"Yes." But about something else. Like how to get that scripture.
"Oh, you're such a pill. Even if you could defy the odds and get this old thing, you wouldn't have a clue as to how it works. Besides, aren't you even a little piqued? That's you down there. Come on!" Then he nabbed you by the collar.
And suddenly you were there. On the porch. Face to face with yourself. The world didn't explode. No, it all seemed in order. Everything seemed nearly normal. Nearly- except your past self kept humming and sweeping.
(More discombobulation! Were you really that thin? And cheerful looking? And your face was so-- you looked... looked...)
"Adorable, I'd say." Ukoku was pacing around him- you. Circling, as he did before. "Perky, handy around the house," he stopped. He sniffed, "Is that lemon?"
"Lemon pie," you muttered, still fascinated. But not enough not to notice Ukoku was fingering the corner of that Scripture over his shoulders.
"Pie, oh my! Must be a special occasion."
"I like working in the kitchen."
"Must be love."
You gave him your blandest look. "Friendship is a love. So, yes. I loved Gojyo. Love Gojyo."
You watch your past self. Watch him him and sweep and turn and sweep. He, you, didn't seem to sense that he was being watched. No, nothing could compete with that daydreamy haze. Was there even any dirt on that cracked concrete porch?
"You- that you- looks distracted. Taking a trip to lala land. Don't tell me that's a platonic trip, Hakkai?"
What was he getting at? Trying to elicit some emotion out of you? Het you off balance? "You probably never had a friend in your entire life."
"Ah, ah, ah. I'll have you know I've had a friend. Can't say I ever played house with him. Then again, I never wanted to be anyone's wife."
Your past self propped his chin over the broom handle and gazed at the street with a wistful sigh.
"Oh," Ukoku chuckled. "You have a thing for the half-breed. What is it? The bad boy act? Did it make you feel good, taking care of him? Complete?"
You pretended to be bored. Pretended he wasn't there and pretended to look through him. But how would a person hide the calculations you needed to make? The plan you had to hatch?
He leaned in, and whispered in your ear: "I heard imperfect narcissists like to give their best to people who don't appreciate it. Something about being sacrificial."
Wait. He was not whispering in your ear. Well, he was. He was whispering in past-you's ear.
He turned and smiled at you. "What do you bet there's going to be a fight about beercans and ashtrays, tonight?"
"You--"
"Me--?" He shrugged. Lit a cigarette. Tossed the match on the porch. Patted hands against his bambo plating. "By the gods! Yes, it's me!"
Interesting. He like to listen to himself talk. Engaging him in banter seemed to distract him. The amazing part was how he seemed to keep going even as the incredible realization hit you like a lightening bolt. Not that he cared. He was busy enjoying himself. He thought he was funny...
"Is this how my fights with Gojyo get started?"
"Do I put a fly in your ear?" You frown, just for him. "Every time, Hakkai? For something bound to happen, anyway? Oh, sure." He rolled his eyes.
"What are we doing here?" Oh, your irritation was showing. That was no good. He wanted you to lash out, slip up, show your rage. He was - you reached - just like Chin Yisou. The image was powerful enough, emotive enough. "You must realize I am not the same man I was, here. I've changed. Experience changes people." Yes. You did not reflect on this distraction. You simply went with it.
"Dime store Buddhism. Not a good diversion. Disappointing, Hakkai. Very disappointing. I know what you're doing, you know. It's not just ineffective. No- even worse!- it's boring. I can't tell you how many times someone or other tried to crack my nut. It's to the point where I almost wish someone would. Almost." He cracked his knuckles. Chuckled. "Let's make things interesting, shall we?"
You were inside the shack. Inside the bedroom. In the bed- not your cot on the other end of the Spartan bedroom- but Gojyo's bed.
"Why are you laying there?" Ukoku was standing over you. All mock concern and curiosity.
"Sometimes I would read a book in the afternoon when Gojyo was away."
"So, where is it?"
In your hands. You held it up.
"What is that- advanced physics? History of theology? Lock picking?"
"A romance novel."
"For a man? Very strange. Especially for a man who lost his one and only lover to suicide." He pursed his lips. "How could you read that without thinking of her?" You stared up as he braced the mattress and leaned down. "You weren't thinking about her, were you?"
"What do you have to gain with this?"
"You know it's not revenge, so you can quit imagining the pitiful centipede for distraction. And while we are at it quit trying to hide your strategy. How many times do I have to tell you?- pointless and boring!"
He mentioned boredom quite a bit. "Again: I fail to see the point of all this."
"Obviously."
There was a sound. A door, the front door. It's hinges creaked. "Hakkai, I'm home!"
Gojyo?
"Honey, I'm home!" Ukoku mimicked. He became a shadow in the corner, the boogie man.
You sat up. The bedroom door opened. And there he was in a filthy wifebeater you'd washed the day before and a smile you'd wanted to see all day. It was as if you were really there. And he was really there. As if this was real.
Almost.
When did he ever come home and find you in his bed? And when would he have ever smiled at the sight?
Maybe. It was hard to say. To think. A rush of emotion washed over you. Oh, Hakkai. He never came to you like this, before. Never sat on the mattress... took off his boots... looked at you like-
"Is that lemon pie on the kitchen table?" He pulled the wifebeater over his head. Laid down next to you. Put the book on his nightstand, and your glasses, too.
"Y-yes." You couldn't stop your rapid heart rate. The catch in your voice. All those years you'd spent secretly imaging this moment... Oh, damn, Hakkai. You couldn't help it. Everyone has their weaknesses. "I made it for you."
"Did you, now?" He was playing with your hair. How long had you waited for him to touch you like this? "What else did you do for me?"
"Watch the house..." He smelled like cigarettes and sweat. That smell, you loved sniffing his dirty clothes just for a whiff of that smell. "Picked up your socks..." This was crazy. This was unreal. Unreal. You wanted to hold on to that insurmountable fact. You wanted to-
His leg was between your knees. "Thank you."
"Cleaned your ashtrays..."
He ground against you. Denim against denim, him against you. "Thank you, again."
"Made pie..."
He nipped at your ear. Right there, where the limiters were. Yes! "He already mentioned that, Hakkai."
Then you froze. Looked at the body over yours. That hair wasn't red... That wasn't... No...
No!
Somehow he was still standing in the corner when you jumped up, silently watched as you turned your back on him. "Just wanted to see the pearl you polish for that swine."
"Did I amuse you?"
"Amuse me? Was that why you did it?" You could hear the pat-pat of his sandals behind you.
"I suppose I have feelings for him. What of it?"
"Emotions getting the better of you. Finally. Right, right. You knew it was a fantasy, Hakkai. He never did any of those things. You wanted to wallow in your feelings. Of course."
You took a deep breath. Calmed yourself. Focused on the next move. "What, now?"
His hand was on your shoulder. Breath in your hair. "You were so sexy."
"Don't tell me you wanted-"
"Yes, I actually do want." His hand left. "But not that. If anything I need you to understand why you want what you want."
"An explanation would be more logical." He was evading you. As if you had the upper hand somewhere...
"Oh, those are no fun."
That wasn't him. No. That was-- "Ukoku, she is not part of this life."
"Absence can define a life as starkly as presence." Kanan's voice was like a song you never thought you would hear again. The room tilted. Suddenly you were sitting on the mattress. A hand, like hers, covered yours. "Do you love him to forget me?"
"What happened to your Bible verse? Pigs and pearls?"
"We are so much alike, that half breed and I. You used to clean up after me, too. Used to scold me with the sweetest smile. You need someone to sacrifice for. It's one of the things I loved about you."
Just once. You would just lookout her face one time. One glance would be enough.
But Ukoku was smiling down at you. "Passionate, aren't you? So eager to play wife and enjoy all the accutremants of domesticity. Power games, resentments, drama. Oh, you certainly remind me of someone." The scroll was there. Right there dangling over his shoulder like a leaf ready to fall. "Go for it, kid. I'd like to see you try it."
And you moved: a snap of energy near his face, and a quick grab to the left. But it was pointless. He had you on your back with the wind knocked out of you before you knew it.
He was standing above you. Clouds rolled overhead in a big blue sky. "Sanzos don't take handing their goods over too lightly. Call it job security." The scroll reared up and endless reams darkened the sky. Voids between your every particle dilated as you stared into the center of nothing, unflinching. Ukoku's voice echoed in your head: "Time to go, kiddo. I'll give you this much: you're a feisty one. I like that."
Chapter Title: Pie, Oh My!
Fandom: Saiyuki
Pairing: Implied Gojyo/Hakkai, Kanan/Hakkai, and (you knew it was coming) implied Ukoku/Hakkai
Prompt: Table 1/Prompt 3/"step forward"
Words: 2359
Rating: R
Warnings: Angst, hetero and homosexuality
Summary: Ukoku takes Hakkai back in time to the shack he shared with Gojyo.
Notes: Here are parts one and two. How does this fit the prompt? Well, sort of: the plot is "stepping forward," even if it's set in the past. Special thanks to laurose8 for the concrit and Hakkai insight which inspired this part's revision.
++
Suddenly you were there. Somewhere- at least you had your footing- wait! The ground was meters and meters below you! And if he hadn't caught you by that sash that skinny body of yours would have translated to pulp on that grassy field.
"They say you shouldn't look down." He chuckled. "But take a gander."
You did, if only to show him you weren't afraid. It was a long ways down there. A very long ways. The physics student in you wanted to know: how? And suddenly the answer came with a flap. You had wings?
"Of course you do. All birds have them."
Birds? Wings?
Ah! They were white. So were you- all white from what you could see - and this was quite a bit given that you could rotate your head at nearly 360 degrees.
"Hope you don't mind the obvious imagery. Dove and raven." Oh, there he was. Black feathers and all. "It seemed to fit."
So it did. Odd, that moving, talking beak seemed nearly natural. As natural as flight. And you both swooped above the landscape, as if you two belonged. As if you two had flown together many times before.
He led you over a grassy glade which went on and on. Was it the one near Chang'An? Yes, it was. But it was this way before the wave had hit, before chaos decimated the lush fauna of Shangri La.
"So this is the past."
"Your past, Hakkai. I told you."
There was a village. Yes, you knew the place- it was Chang'An. Not the Chang'An you'd left behind, not dusty and desolate. No. It was lush, green and sprawling with radish farms rolling over the hills and little huts. There were more and more huts until they made crisscross patterns lining busy streets strewn with oxcarts, townfolk...
"Isn't that your place?"
Yes, there it was: the little tin roof shack at the end of a long line of tin roofed shacks too-near shanty town.
You perched yourself on the edge of the corrugated rusty roof, over the entrance. He was next to you, dangling suddenly-human legs and suddenly-priestly robes over the doorway. A plastic bag blew across the driveway. A dog stopped to lift a leg and pay respects to the flower pot you'd put out on the porch.
"Charming." Ukoku lit a cigarette. "Quaint, even."
You studied his profile. Calculated the speed and dexterity necessary to snatch that Scripture off his shoulders. Two seconds? Ah, but he would need a distraction...
"Yes, yes. And what would that be? The one I don't manage to hear in your thoughts? The one unanticipated by a Sanzo who can control time and space?" His eyebrow went up. "I meant it when I said charming. Can't you take a compliment?"
"I am aware of what it was. I simply made the best of it." Could you somehow mask your thoughts? Perhaps remembering music or poetry would distract him.
"I like western blues music, incidentally. Love that stuff about the devil and crossroads. Anything but tercets and no improvised lymerics. Everyone thinks he's Ogden Nash. Ah..." The front door shut. "What's that old Western saying about pearls before swine?" He turned his attention to the humming and sweeping down below. "Do you think this is a pearl or a pig?"
You blinked. You knew what that was, who that was, on the porch below.
"Feel like coming on down? Maybe say hi, have a nice cup of tea?"
"No."
"Oh!" He chuckled. Rubbed his hands together. Chucked his smoke into the beloved African violet patch you'd planted near the gutters. "You are a nervous one, aren't you? What, now? Worried the universe will explode if two "yous" meet?" You refused to answer. You cleared your mind. Focused yourself. "Wouldn't you like to know?" He tugged at your arm. "Let's test this hypothesis. Aren't you curious?"
"Yes." But about something else. Like how to get that scripture.
"Oh, you're such a pill. Even if you could defy the odds and get this old thing, you wouldn't have a clue as to how it works. Besides, aren't you even a little piqued? That's you down there. Come on!" Then he nabbed you by the collar.
And suddenly you were there. On the porch. Face to face with yourself. The world didn't explode. No, it all seemed in order. Everything seemed nearly normal. Nearly- except your past self kept humming and sweeping.
(More discombobulation! Were you really that thin? And cheerful looking? And your face was so-- you looked... looked...)
"Adorable, I'd say." Ukoku was pacing around him- you. Circling, as he did before. "Perky, handy around the house," he stopped. He sniffed, "Is that lemon?"
"Lemon pie," you muttered, still fascinated. But not enough not to notice Ukoku was fingering the corner of that Scripture over his shoulders.
"Pie, oh my! Must be a special occasion."
"I like working in the kitchen."
"Must be love."
You gave him your blandest look. "Friendship is a love. So, yes. I loved Gojyo. Love Gojyo."
You watch your past self. Watch him him and sweep and turn and sweep. He, you, didn't seem to sense that he was being watched. No, nothing could compete with that daydreamy haze. Was there even any dirt on that cracked concrete porch?
"You- that you- looks distracted. Taking a trip to lala land. Don't tell me that's a platonic trip, Hakkai?"
What was he getting at? Trying to elicit some emotion out of you? Het you off balance? "You probably never had a friend in your entire life."
"Ah, ah, ah. I'll have you know I've had a friend. Can't say I ever played house with him. Then again, I never wanted to be anyone's wife."
Your past self propped his chin over the broom handle and gazed at the street with a wistful sigh.
"Oh," Ukoku chuckled. "You have a thing for the half-breed. What is it? The bad boy act? Did it make you feel good, taking care of him? Complete?"
You pretended to be bored. Pretended he wasn't there and pretended to look through him. But how would a person hide the calculations you needed to make? The plan you had to hatch?
He leaned in, and whispered in your ear: "I heard imperfect narcissists like to give their best to people who don't appreciate it. Something about being sacrificial."
Wait. He was not whispering in your ear. Well, he was. He was whispering in past-you's ear.
He turned and smiled at you. "What do you bet there's going to be a fight about beercans and ashtrays, tonight?"
"You--"
"Me--?" He shrugged. Lit a cigarette. Tossed the match on the porch. Patted hands against his bambo plating. "By the gods! Yes, it's me!"
Interesting. He like to listen to himself talk. Engaging him in banter seemed to distract him. The amazing part was how he seemed to keep going even as the incredible realization hit you like a lightening bolt. Not that he cared. He was busy enjoying himself. He thought he was funny...
"Is this how my fights with Gojyo get started?"
"Do I put a fly in your ear?" You frown, just for him. "Every time, Hakkai? For something bound to happen, anyway? Oh, sure." He rolled his eyes.
"What are we doing here?" Oh, your irritation was showing. That was no good. He wanted you to lash out, slip up, show your rage. He was - you reached - just like Chin Yisou. The image was powerful enough, emotive enough. "You must realize I am not the same man I was, here. I've changed. Experience changes people." Yes. You did not reflect on this distraction. You simply went with it.
"Dime store Buddhism. Not a good diversion. Disappointing, Hakkai. Very disappointing. I know what you're doing, you know. It's not just ineffective. No- even worse!- it's boring. I can't tell you how many times someone or other tried to crack my nut. It's to the point where I almost wish someone would. Almost." He cracked his knuckles. Chuckled. "Let's make things interesting, shall we?"
You were inside the shack. Inside the bedroom. In the bed- not your cot on the other end of the Spartan bedroom- but Gojyo's bed.
"Why are you laying there?" Ukoku was standing over you. All mock concern and curiosity.
"Sometimes I would read a book in the afternoon when Gojyo was away."
"So, where is it?"
In your hands. You held it up.
"What is that- advanced physics? History of theology? Lock picking?"
"A romance novel."
"For a man? Very strange. Especially for a man who lost his one and only lover to suicide." He pursed his lips. "How could you read that without thinking of her?" You stared up as he braced the mattress and leaned down. "You weren't thinking about her, were you?"
"What do you have to gain with this?"
"You know it's not revenge, so you can quit imagining the pitiful centipede for distraction. And while we are at it quit trying to hide your strategy. How many times do I have to tell you?- pointless and boring!"
He mentioned boredom quite a bit. "Again: I fail to see the point of all this."
"Obviously."
There was a sound. A door, the front door. It's hinges creaked. "Hakkai, I'm home!"
Gojyo?
"Honey, I'm home!" Ukoku mimicked. He became a shadow in the corner, the boogie man.
You sat up. The bedroom door opened. And there he was in a filthy wifebeater you'd washed the day before and a smile you'd wanted to see all day. It was as if you were really there. And he was really there. As if this was real.
Almost.
When did he ever come home and find you in his bed? And when would he have ever smiled at the sight?
Maybe. It was hard to say. To think. A rush of emotion washed over you. Oh, Hakkai. He never came to you like this, before. Never sat on the mattress... took off his boots... looked at you like-
"Is that lemon pie on the kitchen table?" He pulled the wifebeater over his head. Laid down next to you. Put the book on his nightstand, and your glasses, too.
"Y-yes." You couldn't stop your rapid heart rate. The catch in your voice. All those years you'd spent secretly imaging this moment... Oh, damn, Hakkai. You couldn't help it. Everyone has their weaknesses. "I made it for you."
"Did you, now?" He was playing with your hair. How long had you waited for him to touch you like this? "What else did you do for me?"
"Watch the house..." He smelled like cigarettes and sweat. That smell, you loved sniffing his dirty clothes just for a whiff of that smell. "Picked up your socks..." This was crazy. This was unreal. Unreal. You wanted to hold on to that insurmountable fact. You wanted to-
His leg was between your knees. "Thank you."
"Cleaned your ashtrays..."
He ground against you. Denim against denim, him against you. "Thank you, again."
"Made pie..."
He nipped at your ear. Right there, where the limiters were. Yes! "He already mentioned that, Hakkai."
Then you froze. Looked at the body over yours. That hair wasn't red... That wasn't... No...
No!
Somehow he was still standing in the corner when you jumped up, silently watched as you turned your back on him. "Just wanted to see the pearl you polish for that swine."
"Did I amuse you?"
"Amuse me? Was that why you did it?" You could hear the pat-pat of his sandals behind you.
"I suppose I have feelings for him. What of it?"
"Emotions getting the better of you. Finally. Right, right. You knew it was a fantasy, Hakkai. He never did any of those things. You wanted to wallow in your feelings. Of course."
You took a deep breath. Calmed yourself. Focused on the next move. "What, now?"
His hand was on your shoulder. Breath in your hair. "You were so sexy."
"Don't tell me you wanted-"
"Yes, I actually do want." His hand left. "But not that. If anything I need you to understand why you want what you want."
"An explanation would be more logical." He was evading you. As if you had the upper hand somewhere...
"Oh, those are no fun."
That wasn't him. No. That was-- "Ukoku, she is not part of this life."
"Absence can define a life as starkly as presence." Kanan's voice was like a song you never thought you would hear again. The room tilted. Suddenly you were sitting on the mattress. A hand, like hers, covered yours. "Do you love him to forget me?"
"What happened to your Bible verse? Pigs and pearls?"
"We are so much alike, that half breed and I. You used to clean up after me, too. Used to scold me with the sweetest smile. You need someone to sacrifice for. It's one of the things I loved about you."
Just once. You would just lookout her face one time. One glance would be enough.
But Ukoku was smiling down at you. "Passionate, aren't you? So eager to play wife and enjoy all the accutremants of domesticity. Power games, resentments, drama. Oh, you certainly remind me of someone." The scroll was there. Right there dangling over his shoulder like a leaf ready to fall. "Go for it, kid. I'd like to see you try it."
And you moved: a snap of energy near his face, and a quick grab to the left. But it was pointless. He had you on your back with the wind knocked out of you before you knew it.
He was standing above you. Clouds rolled overhead in a big blue sky. "Sanzos don't take handing their goods over too lightly. Call it job security." The scroll reared up and endless reams darkened the sky. Voids between your every particle dilated as you stared into the center of nothing, unflinching. Ukoku's voice echoed in your head: "Time to go, kiddo. I'll give you this much: you're a feisty one. I like that."