life
Tonight me and jackie had a long talk. As some of you are aware she does have a two year old son. Now when we first started dating she told me about him but I hadn't been around him. He was with the grandparents in St. Louis. Now, he's back and her paul time has gone back to nil. In addition, she told me that when she started dating me she was looking for a husband and a father. Nither of which I'm willing to provide at the present. The love and attraction is there, but the long term committment I can't provide right now. As far as her son goes, I'm very nervous and uncomfortable around him. I'm an only child and i've never been around children. It's not that I don't like children or that I don't want any of my own some day. I just don't know how to feel or what to do around him. She expects me to warm up to him and interact with him, but i'm so afraid because I don't know what to do! I'm not to sure how this is going to work out. If it even does... She said right now i'm in the middle of a tug of war and I could go either way. One way being with her and her son and being married as soon as I get out of college, or the other being without her. I told her I can't make a decision right now because I don't want to rush into anything and regret it later. I want to be with her, but I can't give her what she needs right now and I think that is long term committment to her. Although I have nothing against committment, nor am I afraid of it. However, I am afraid to committ to something that I have no experience with nor desire to attain right now. I have to make every effort to save this relationship.
I just thought of another reason why I may be afraid of her child. If we were to marry, I'd have a son as soon as I say I do. That is a little scary isn't it? One of my biggest fears is having a family and not being able to provide for them. I have no idea if I could physically or finacially take care of both of them in the near future. I have to avoid that at all costs. Also in some ways i'm not sure i'm ready to give up my freedom. You lose a lot of your freedom as I am now learning when you have children. Not such a big deal when you are older, married, and have a full time job. But A very big deal if you are 21, ft job, ft school, and still trying to have a social life with friends. Ah alas I need a break from the pen. I'll shall pick this up tomorrow. G'night!
I just thought of another reason why I may be afraid of her child. If we were to marry, I'd have a son as soon as I say I do. That is a little scary isn't it? One of my biggest fears is having a family and not being able to provide for them. I have no idea if I could physically or finacially take care of both of them in the near future. I have to avoid that at all costs. Also in some ways i'm not sure i'm ready to give up my freedom. You lose a lot of your freedom as I am now learning when you have children. Not such a big deal when you are older, married, and have a full time job. But A very big deal if you are 21, ft job, ft school, and still trying to have a social life with friends. Ah alas I need a break from the pen. I'll shall pick this up tomorrow. G'night!