kufufufu, fu indeed
I feel like my head´s on suffle-mode and it randomly picks up my mood. First I feel warm and cosy while watching my animes and next thing is that I find my self deep in agony, wanting to punch myself so hard I would faint. Then comes this transitional phase where I still feel the same agony, but at the same time I feel like I´d finally go nuts and I just smiling... It´s very disturbing and in conflict with what I feel and how do I express it out. I´m a bit scared, but can´t really help it.
I sent a txt for M earlier and she said she´d come to my place after finishing watching a movie with her friend. I wonder how long it will take since it´s already been several hours. This actually has one more conflict in it... I do want her to come here to keep me company and chill out with me, but I also don´t want her to come here. I do and I don´t, but I choose to do, because I somehow feel like it´s better for me if I´m having someone with me here so I won´t become a totalk hikikomori... sigh. This sucks so deep it makes me wanna throw up. seriously.
I´ve been watching more anime, what isn´t really a surprise since I do it every fucking day... I just can´t help it since it helps me to get my toughts off from things such agony and depression... Anime is an never ending euphory and I´m so drunk of it. So addicted and obsessed with it I think someone sould hit me with a shovel and make me stop watching it. I do feel comfortable being an otaku for sure, so at the end I think I wouldn´t stop even if someone actually would smack me in to face.
Ghhhhhnnnnnn... Frustraction! Objection! And one thing leads to another and now I feel like playing some videogames. I think I might play some CoD´s Dead ops Zombie arcade mode while waiting for M to call.
side notes: when I said having a conflict between if I want M to be here or not-- I actually do want her to be here and only reason really why I wouldn´t is that I could better and more easily drown myself into my agony if I´d be alone here. A part of me wants to be alone in this total mess and that another part wants to have fun... And having fun is what I always have when being with M. ♥ Just wanted to clear that.
I sent a txt for M earlier and she said she´d come to my place after finishing watching a movie with her friend. I wonder how long it will take since it´s already been several hours. This actually has one more conflict in it... I do want her to come here to keep me company and chill out with me, but I also don´t want her to come here. I do and I don´t, but I choose to do, because I somehow feel like it´s better for me if I´m having someone with me here so I won´t become a totalk hikikomori... sigh. This sucks so deep it makes me wanna throw up. seriously.
I´ve been watching more anime, what isn´t really a surprise since I do it every fucking day... I just can´t help it since it helps me to get my toughts off from things such agony and depression... Anime is an never ending euphory and I´m so drunk of it. So addicted and obsessed with it I think someone sould hit me with a shovel and make me stop watching it. I do feel comfortable being an otaku for sure, so at the end I think I wouldn´t stop even if someone actually would smack me in to face.
Ghhhhhnnnnnn... Frustraction! Objection! And one thing leads to another and now I feel like playing some videogames. I think I might play some CoD´s Dead ops Zombie arcade mode while waiting for M to call.
side notes: when I said having a conflict between if I want M to be here or not-- I actually do want her to be here and only reason really why I wouldn´t is that I could better and more easily drown myself into my agony if I´d be alone here. A part of me wants to be alone in this total mess and that another part wants to have fun... And having fun is what I always have when being with M. ♥ Just wanted to clear that.