Orientation
I have been ignoring a part of myself for over 6 years now. I've made every excuse in the world to keep this part of myself from being true, to keep it an intangible probability that I refer to as being in a rhetorical state. As a result of this innate fear of causing more pain to those I might come to care about and more drama in my life, I've kept it in limbo for so long that I kind of got used to it being there. However, this is a part of myself that has inevitably resurfaced time and again without instigation or cause.
I have been dating for as long as I've had this internal debate and have a sexual history a few years short of that and without fail I find myself at some point in each and every one my relationships were I simply don't feel satiated. And that would be a fine thing to accept as normal if it were simply that my needs were not being met, if it weren't for the few men of exceptional caliber (in all aspects of our relationship) that I have been blessed with throughout my life. However, I continually find that sex becomes a chore once it becomes a ritual with a man.
Granted, I don't have the experience necessary to tell whether or not it's simply a part of my personality or I'm forcing myself into the industry standard sexual orientation, but I do know enough about myself to understand the latter as a possibility. I find myself more in admiration than actual attraction to the men I'm drawn to, I feel more free to be myself when I'm surrounded by women, and the lifestyle of love without boundaries, although romantically naive, is an attractive prospect to me and apparently the only one I seem willing to deem acceptable.
I used to convince myself that I was merely put off by the male physique as a result of inexperience, however five years later I am still somewhat unsettled and find myself struggling to grow accustomed to it on a regular basis. I also believed that the reason I found myself looking at another woman's body was merely to scope out competition...recently has been proven to be, without a doubt, completely invalid. I have also been convincing myself that I am "not the lesbian type," and wondering how my family might react to this bit of news after their backlash upon seeing me with piercings and black hair.
One of my closest friends said that if you have to question more than once than it's probably true, and even if it turns out to be untrue I would never forgive myself if I were to find out later that I had been denying my true feelings all this time so that my family may be able to greet me at Christmas without obvious disdain for my appearance and lifestyle choices.
So here it goes...the first step to accepting this buried piece of myself.
........
I think I'm gay.
I have been dating for as long as I've had this internal debate and have a sexual history a few years short of that and without fail I find myself at some point in each and every one my relationships were I simply don't feel satiated. And that would be a fine thing to accept as normal if it were simply that my needs were not being met, if it weren't for the few men of exceptional caliber (in all aspects of our relationship) that I have been blessed with throughout my life. However, I continually find that sex becomes a chore once it becomes a ritual with a man.
Granted, I don't have the experience necessary to tell whether or not it's simply a part of my personality or I'm forcing myself into the industry standard sexual orientation, but I do know enough about myself to understand the latter as a possibility. I find myself more in admiration than actual attraction to the men I'm drawn to, I feel more free to be myself when I'm surrounded by women, and the lifestyle of love without boundaries, although romantically naive, is an attractive prospect to me and apparently the only one I seem willing to deem acceptable.
I used to convince myself that I was merely put off by the male physique as a result of inexperience, however five years later I am still somewhat unsettled and find myself struggling to grow accustomed to it on a regular basis. I also believed that the reason I found myself looking at another woman's body was merely to scope out competition...recently has been proven to be, without a doubt, completely invalid. I have also been convincing myself that I am "not the lesbian type," and wondering how my family might react to this bit of news after their backlash upon seeing me with piercings and black hair.
One of my closest friends said that if you have to question more than once than it's probably true, and even if it turns out to be untrue I would never forgive myself if I were to find out later that I had been denying my true feelings all this time so that my family may be able to greet me at Christmas without obvious disdain for my appearance and lifestyle choices.
So here it goes...the first step to accepting this buried piece of myself.
........
I think I'm gay.