[#5] [Cardcaptor Sakura] Winter Blues
Title: Winter Blues
Series: Cardcaptor Sakura
Theme no.: 05. the effect of impact on stationary objects
Character(s)/Pairing: Li Syaoran/Kinomoto Sakura
Rating: G
Notes/Summary: Syaoran and Sakura ended their relationship in winter, but now it's winter all year long for Sakura.
It was one of those disjointed winters where nothing quite fit together and Syaoran and I found ourselves on a break from each other, because of distance and increasing arguments and illness. The whole thing had left me feeling listless and confused and anticipatory. Something better had to come in spring.
In spring, Syaoran called to break the engagement, and I nodded numbly and considered the effect of impact on stationary objects, which I was learning about in physics class. Stationary objects began to move or broke from strain. I wondered which one I would suffer.
In May I broke down. I skipped graduation to lay in my bed with the covers over my head. No one could give me comfort, and after a while they chose to go away.
My father started talking about putting me in the hospital, trying to find out the reason for my actions. He wondered if there was a physical cause. There was: a boy named Li Syaoran, whom I had argued with and fought beside and loved the most of anyone those long days ago, the boy who made me feel complete. I didn't tell my father that.
Eriol called, but his best intentions did me no good, and the pauses on the line lengthened until finally he said, "I'm so sorry," and the phone clicked. I was glad that he tried.
When my father began discussing specific hospitals with my brother, I got up out of bed and pretended to start living again, since it was easier than answering questions. Tomoyo buoyed me up, kept me aware in class, knowing I didn't care. Some days she came in furiously angry and I knew she'd been talking to Syaoran again, trying to convince him to change his mind and make me happy again, and he wouldn't.
I appreciated Tomoyo, in a vague, cloudy way. My head felt full of cotton since Syaoran left, like nothing more really mattered. I walked and talked and breathed, but I felt like a doll pretending to be a person.
That summer the cards began to die, and Kero's fur to lose its sheen. He told me that my magic was crippled by my heart and that if I didn't do something soon that all would be lost. So I closed the book and mailed it to Eriol, and spent another week under my covers. I couldn't deal with this either.
In the fall Onii-chan moved into an apartment with Yukito. He hadn't wanted to leave at first, but my father saw the way that I was broadcasting pain onto my brother and he persuaded Touya to go. Not long afterwards Tomoyo accepted a scholarship to study overseas. She cried when she left, saying that she couldn't bear to see me hurt anymore.
I didn't want to hurt either, I told her, but I couldn't escape it. I felt like I was drowning. I never realized that love could hurt someone so much, but each day I woke knowing that Syaoran didn't love me anymore felt like another day that didn't matter. Nothing mattered.
He came back in the winter.
*
I was headed out the door to the grocery store to grab some things for dinner, and when I opened the door he was standing on the step, his hand raised to knock.
Surprise spread over his face as I carefully stepped back and shut the door again. I sunk down against the door, feeling tears splash down my face. It had been a long time since I cried and the pressure had been building.
I howled in sorrow, not even caring that he stood on the other side of the door and could hear me. He began to beat on the door with his fists and limply I allowed my head to knock against the wood. Who cares?
Finally he stopped hitting the door and I heard a sliding sound that made me think he had sunk down against the other side of the door and was waiting for my hysterics to end. There we were, two people who had once committed to love each other forever, separated by the thickness of a door and my sorrow.
"I was wrong," he said through the door after my sobs began to quiet. I didn't say anything.
"I've been miserable without you," he continued. He had to talk loudly to be heard through the door, and I was sure everyone on the street could hear him, but he didn't seem to care.
"I thought that you would move on and find someone else to love the most, and I didn't deserve to bother you again. But I can't stand it any longer, Sakura-chan. I love you. I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I had to come tell you that."
"Never say sorry for what you meant to do," I said back, getting up from the floor and putting my hand on the knob. I wasn't sure if I was ready to open the door yet.
"Can't I say sorry for my mistakes?"
"Fine. Apology accepted. Now go away," I said, my heart breaking again with the final sentence. Seeing him had unearthed a slew of emotion that I had never overcome, a burning hurt that I had buried under carelessness. I didn't want to go through this again.
"I still love you," he said in a softer tone. I had to listen closely to understand. There was one soft footstep, and then another.
If I let him go, I'll always regret it, I thought suddenly, and the tears began to fall down my face again as I struggled to make a decision. Another slow footstep and then violently I threw open the door and flung myself at him. He had turned when he heard the door and so was almost prepared when I flung myself into his arms, sobbing uncontrollably.
He stroked my head and let me cry, and I beat on his chest and mourned all the things that I had lost when I lost him. My brother, my best friend, my magic... it had all been nothing to me without Syaoran, ashes in my mouth.
Now he was back and the world had turned on end and I wasn't quite sure how things would turn out. But somewhere deep in my heart a spark began to glow and I knew that this winter would be different. This winter, I would be warm.
This winter, somehow everything would be all right.