(no subject)
so at school i moved out of one apartment on campus and into another apartment off campus. i'm beginning to think that neither living situation will be ideal at all. the one on campus wasn't hygenic...you have six girls sharing one bathroom and one kitchen, and it just won't be. plus i shared a room. this other place is better...granted, it's a monthly rent, but i have my own bathroom and bedroom. the only problem is that my apartment mate is my landlord and right now she's really rubbing me the wrong way. because it's her place, i know we aren't 'equal' but it's getting to the point where i feel that the only place i can be in is my bedroom. and even then she's telling me changes to make (like painting it) or when i left for break she apparently took out the light fixture in the bathroom, so i can't shower in my bathroom at the moment. i know things like this shouldn't really irk me, but they are, to the point of me feeling like if i say something, i will irreparably damage this friendship. but i need a barrier, otherwise i will go insane. so i'm not sure what i'll do.
i have this great boyfriend. he's wonderful. and right now, he's basically a perfect human being. and i'm saying this with some resentment. he relates to my friends better than i do. he's able to fight with them, and make up immediately. he's able to laugh and joke in ways that i have never been able to. and i know that it's his personality, but i feel like the more time we spend together, the less i am myself, because he is the life of the party and can't help overshadowing everyone else. and i love him. but i don't know if i love him at the expense of loving myself. can i quantify that? not that i depend on his love for my selfworth...but the amount of time i devote to our relationship is something i never anticipated in my life. and i can't predict what changes i'll make or have made because of it. and that scares me.
being at home is awkward, because i feel i want to be anywhere else. but i used to be so satisfied in simply being myself, alone, and knowing that the world would still be there. i led a wondeful life without facebook. now i feel that i must continously see what updates there have been. i must judge the excitement of my life against that of my peers.
i guess i knew more of myself before college. how foolish i was to think my world would never change. i was never insecure about my beliefs or what i could accomplish, but now i find i have an astounding ability to second-guess everything.
i have this great boyfriend. he's wonderful. and right now, he's basically a perfect human being. and i'm saying this with some resentment. he relates to my friends better than i do. he's able to fight with them, and make up immediately. he's able to laugh and joke in ways that i have never been able to. and i know that it's his personality, but i feel like the more time we spend together, the less i am myself, because he is the life of the party and can't help overshadowing everyone else. and i love him. but i don't know if i love him at the expense of loving myself. can i quantify that? not that i depend on his love for my selfworth...but the amount of time i devote to our relationship is something i never anticipated in my life. and i can't predict what changes i'll make or have made because of it. and that scares me.
being at home is awkward, because i feel i want to be anywhere else. but i used to be so satisfied in simply being myself, alone, and knowing that the world would still be there. i led a wondeful life without facebook. now i feel that i must continously see what updates there have been. i must judge the excitement of my life against that of my peers.
i guess i knew more of myself before college. how foolish i was to think my world would never change. i was never insecure about my beliefs or what i could accomplish, but now i find i have an astounding ability to second-guess everything.