Downward turn
Well, I haven't been doing real great the last couple weeks. Having a bit of a downward slump. I'm trying to pull out, though.
Part of that is going to have to be doing something about my pain. It finally occurred to me the other day that I officially have a chronic pain problem. Not just "that thing with my jaw... it's not so bad... most of the time... " It's chronic pain. I need to do something about it. Something more than just protecting my teeth.
Physical therapy isn't the answer, I've done that road. Dental intervention isn't helping so far. I'm afraid what it might come down to is going to my doctor and begging for muscle relaxants and better pain killers, at least for nighttime. I don't know if they'll even give me anything. But taking four Advil at a go, multiple times per week... that can't be any safer than anything they can prescribe. Surely a lower dose of a slightly more dangerous medication would be better than the massively high dose of the theoretically safer med? And possibly if I had a mild muscle relaxant at night I could stop making it WORSE all night long. Or at least put a little bit of a stopgap in the works.
With any luck, when I move out of here and away from the stress of home, it will ease a bit. Then maybe I won't feel like I have to go begging for something I'm rather concerned about wanting.
I just can't keep living in this much pain forever. I finally gave up my Advil ban because I'm SO WORN DOWN from being in pain ALL THE TIME. I couldn't deal with anything, and I'm exhausted. It keeps reminding me of something I read on LJ a long time ago. It was someone retelling how they explained to a friend how Lupus (I think that's what it was) makes it harder to just do ordinary things, because you don't have enough 'spoons'. She was using spoons, over lunch, to explain how it is: most people have so many spoons they don't have to think about it. But when you've got something like Lupus, you have to decide how to spend your spoons - it takes a spoon to do every little thing, like get up, get dressed, get to school/work, etc. So if you only have enough spoons to get up and get dressed one day, you just don't have the reserves to do anything else. I mean, it's only 'spoons' cause that's what she had to illustrate it, but I kinda like the term because if it was 'credits' or something more sensible, it wouldn't have any humor to it.
Between my depression, my worry, and my constant pain, I may have significantly more spoons than the original poster, but I don't think I start out with as many spoons per day as a normal person. So sometimes stuff doesn't get done, cause I just run out of energy. And I end up punishing myself, but I probably shouldn't. I mean sometimes, stuff doesn't happen cause I'm just lazy or procrastinating, but a lot of the time, I just ran out of spoons. I NEEDED to nap, or I NEEDED to just sit and watch TV, cause I didn't have a spoon to spend to do the laundry.
So... the idea being, I could have more spoons to do all the really hard stuff I need to do, if I didn't have so much pain. The downside being it might be a nominal gain if I'm drugged up. I really don't know.
I've also realised I have a lot less pity for coworker's pain. One of my music staff called out today (AGAIN) because he was 'in pain', and I'm like "he'd better fucking be in the hospital, then, cause I show up when I feel like I'm gonna throw up from pain." Which I probably wouldn't, if it weren't for the fact that this has been going on SO LONG that I know I'm just gonna feel sick from it no matter WHERE I am, so I might as well not get a bad rep at work for poor attendance. Especially after October. It's miserable. I hate it. But I do it anyway. Course... then I get to work, and I basically run out of spoons. So... I'm useless when I get there in that much pain. But they never seem to care, as long as I'm a warm body in the right department.
It's also gotta be a major problem if that's ALL I'M TALKING ABOUT on my journal. How lame is that? I should be planning my move, I should be planning for Comic Con, I should be making costumes, getting ready for Harry Potter, doing all sorts of awesome stuff. But I'm not. And I'm not talking about it. Cause this is taking up my LIFE.
So... sorry this is so utterly boring and self pitying all the time, but sometimes that's what journals are for.
I'll just have to call my doctor.
Part of that is going to have to be doing something about my pain. It finally occurred to me the other day that I officially have a chronic pain problem. Not just "that thing with my jaw... it's not so bad... most of the time... " It's chronic pain. I need to do something about it. Something more than just protecting my teeth.
Physical therapy isn't the answer, I've done that road. Dental intervention isn't helping so far. I'm afraid what it might come down to is going to my doctor and begging for muscle relaxants and better pain killers, at least for nighttime. I don't know if they'll even give me anything. But taking four Advil at a go, multiple times per week... that can't be any safer than anything they can prescribe. Surely a lower dose of a slightly more dangerous medication would be better than the massively high dose of the theoretically safer med? And possibly if I had a mild muscle relaxant at night I could stop making it WORSE all night long. Or at least put a little bit of a stopgap in the works.
With any luck, when I move out of here and away from the stress of home, it will ease a bit. Then maybe I won't feel like I have to go begging for something I'm rather concerned about wanting.
I just can't keep living in this much pain forever. I finally gave up my Advil ban because I'm SO WORN DOWN from being in pain ALL THE TIME. I couldn't deal with anything, and I'm exhausted. It keeps reminding me of something I read on LJ a long time ago. It was someone retelling how they explained to a friend how Lupus (I think that's what it was) makes it harder to just do ordinary things, because you don't have enough 'spoons'. She was using spoons, over lunch, to explain how it is: most people have so many spoons they don't have to think about it. But when you've got something like Lupus, you have to decide how to spend your spoons - it takes a spoon to do every little thing, like get up, get dressed, get to school/work, etc. So if you only have enough spoons to get up and get dressed one day, you just don't have the reserves to do anything else. I mean, it's only 'spoons' cause that's what she had to illustrate it, but I kinda like the term because if it was 'credits' or something more sensible, it wouldn't have any humor to it.
Between my depression, my worry, and my constant pain, I may have significantly more spoons than the original poster, but I don't think I start out with as many spoons per day as a normal person. So sometimes stuff doesn't get done, cause I just run out of energy. And I end up punishing myself, but I probably shouldn't. I mean sometimes, stuff doesn't happen cause I'm just lazy or procrastinating, but a lot of the time, I just ran out of spoons. I NEEDED to nap, or I NEEDED to just sit and watch TV, cause I didn't have a spoon to spend to do the laundry.
So... the idea being, I could have more spoons to do all the really hard stuff I need to do, if I didn't have so much pain. The downside being it might be a nominal gain if I'm drugged up. I really don't know.
I've also realised I have a lot less pity for coworker's pain. One of my music staff called out today (AGAIN) because he was 'in pain', and I'm like "he'd better fucking be in the hospital, then, cause I show up when I feel like I'm gonna throw up from pain." Which I probably wouldn't, if it weren't for the fact that this has been going on SO LONG that I know I'm just gonna feel sick from it no matter WHERE I am, so I might as well not get a bad rep at work for poor attendance. Especially after October. It's miserable. I hate it. But I do it anyway. Course... then I get to work, and I basically run out of spoons. So... I'm useless when I get there in that much pain. But they never seem to care, as long as I'm a warm body in the right department.
It's also gotta be a major problem if that's ALL I'M TALKING ABOUT on my journal. How lame is that? I should be planning my move, I should be planning for Comic Con, I should be making costumes, getting ready for Harry Potter, doing all sorts of awesome stuff. But I'm not. And I'm not talking about it. Cause this is taking up my LIFE.
So... sorry this is so utterly boring and self pitying all the time, but sometimes that's what journals are for.
I'll just have to call my doctor.