On no one topic in particular...
Just everything that's been happening lately, I guess. Phantom, car, CATS, work, etc...
I've been brooding a lot lately, about a lot of things. About the turns my life has taken that I wish it hadn't. About what I would change, if I could. About what I don't know if I would change. The scary thing is, as much as I know that there are a multitude of things psychologically wrong with me... I'm not sure I would want to fix them all, even if I could. Would I ever really want to be the perfectly normal person on the street? Could I give up my 'tortured lonely rejected soul' routine to be normal? I don't know. That must be something else wrong with me, that I know I do better on medication for my depression, that I know I could obtain said medication if I merely asked, and yet, I do not. Have not, for a good year, probably more, now. I'm anxious all the time, miserable, sometimes idly suicidal (I say idly, because I have not ever acted upon my thoughts, and am either too much of a coward or a very brave fool to continue not to do so) and yet... I do not seek help.
On another level, I know perfectly well why I do not seek help. I cannot trust anyone to help me. I've been through the hands of several 'mental health professionals', and none has ever truly helped me. I cannot now trust that anyone else is ever going to be able to. Last time, I was seeing a psychiatrist, and did for a couple years. He put me on ALL sorts of meds. His zealousness for "more bang for your buck" (I swear, I still shudder when I hear that expression, he used it so often), led to my being switched to different meds every time it didn't seem to be helping "enough". I ended up on Effexor, and I have to say, that was one of the worst. While some of the meds made me out and out sick when I started them, this one was deceptively good to me. Problem was, miss a dose, and my system went all out of whack. Stomachaches, headaches, etc. Mostly stomach problems. Then, I quit seeing him because I couldn't stand him anymore. What to do now, I will run out of drugs! Well, nothing to do but ease off them. That was awful. I tried to just stop it, but it made me too sick. Started up again on a lower dose and I immediately felt better. I went through weeks of slowly easing myself off of it and feeling only somewhat sick, until I wasn't taking it anymore. I looked online and found that withdrawl is a fairly common problem with it. Could I have been warned? What would have been so hard about telling me about the physical dependance BEFORE I started it? So my mistrust, fear and hatred of the whole profession runs deep... I don't really want to deal with them. Unfortunately, to transition, I will have to.
On the same self-defeating note, I think Phantom makes me brood more than usual. It turns a mirror on my own ugliness, my own distorted soul, and makes me think about my own pain, my own terrible lonliness. I'm only just realizing, thanks to my beloved Phantom, how lonely I really am sometimes. I sat in the shower and cried, just cried the other night, thinking about the song, Learn to be Lonely. All I could hear in my head was that phrase, over and over again (and I hate that bloody song) "learn to be lonely.... learn to be lonely..." and it just hurt.. knowing, realizing, that I really have no friends. All I have in the world is my mate... and I don't even know sometimes how I feel about him anymore. It's pretty awful to not have any friends except your partner. Really makes your world seem small. Problem is, I hate people so much... and of those I don't hate, how can one make friends when one can't stand to be out there, facing the possibility of more fear, more rejection? I had thought... I had really thought, that I truly, truly had learned to be lonely, by now. Maybe it's not ever truly possible to.
As far as the car goes, it is a constant, constant source of worry for me. I feel an awful twist in my gut every time I think about shopping for one, now. I can't stand it. And I feel the same wrenching anxiety when I drive my car, because I know it could break down for good, any time. What would I do? What could I do? How... how do you say goodbye to something you've loved, the one thing that has granted you any freedom, your ticket to so many good places, good things?
In regards to CATS... supposed to see it on Sunday. I'm feeling kind of sick tonight, though. Sore throat and my lungs are feeling... not congested, not yet. But it burns/tingles/aches to breathe, and that's never a good first sign. Otherwise, I feel okay, I mean, I don't feel sick yet. However... since I'm supposed to be working a closing shift tomorrow, if I feel the least bit sick, even only as sick as this tomorrow, when I get up, I am calling out. They have enough people scheduled tomorrow night that they can cover it, and I am NOT MISSING CATS AGAIN FOR BEING SICK. No one will be happy about me calling out, but they can just DEAL with it because this is too important to me. As much as I've been thinking "it's not Phantom... nothing will do but Phantom...", I still wouldn't miss it for the world.
And back to Phantom... I plan to see it again, especially now that other theaters have actually picked it up (took them a week, around here). I saw an old friend of mine at work the other day, and told her she ought to see it. It's the kind of thing I think she'd enjoy, and besides... well... I have to brainwash as many people as possible into seeing it so I have more people to talk to about it. (Talked a co-worker into seeing it, too, she's going tomorrow.) I'm pondering calling her tomorrow and inviting her to go along with me (and possibly my mate) on Monday. Don't know if she'd even be free. The trouble is... I don't know how much we have in common anymore, and it makes it hard to see her, sometimes. Sometimes it's good to see her again... sometimes it's bad. It's so hard for me to NOT be lonely, I'm so antisocial sometimes. A lot of times.
Oh well... I needed to get some of that out in writing, I think.
I've been brooding a lot lately, about a lot of things. About the turns my life has taken that I wish it hadn't. About what I would change, if I could. About what I don't know if I would change. The scary thing is, as much as I know that there are a multitude of things psychologically wrong with me... I'm not sure I would want to fix them all, even if I could. Would I ever really want to be the perfectly normal person on the street? Could I give up my 'tortured lonely rejected soul' routine to be normal? I don't know. That must be something else wrong with me, that I know I do better on medication for my depression, that I know I could obtain said medication if I merely asked, and yet, I do not. Have not, for a good year, probably more, now. I'm anxious all the time, miserable, sometimes idly suicidal (I say idly, because I have not ever acted upon my thoughts, and am either too much of a coward or a very brave fool to continue not to do so) and yet... I do not seek help.
On another level, I know perfectly well why I do not seek help. I cannot trust anyone to help me. I've been through the hands of several 'mental health professionals', and none has ever truly helped me. I cannot now trust that anyone else is ever going to be able to. Last time, I was seeing a psychiatrist, and did for a couple years. He put me on ALL sorts of meds. His zealousness for "more bang for your buck" (I swear, I still shudder when I hear that expression, he used it so often), led to my being switched to different meds every time it didn't seem to be helping "enough". I ended up on Effexor, and I have to say, that was one of the worst. While some of the meds made me out and out sick when I started them, this one was deceptively good to me. Problem was, miss a dose, and my system went all out of whack. Stomachaches, headaches, etc. Mostly stomach problems. Then, I quit seeing him because I couldn't stand him anymore. What to do now, I will run out of drugs! Well, nothing to do but ease off them. That was awful. I tried to just stop it, but it made me too sick. Started up again on a lower dose and I immediately felt better. I went through weeks of slowly easing myself off of it and feeling only somewhat sick, until I wasn't taking it anymore. I looked online and found that withdrawl is a fairly common problem with it. Could I have been warned? What would have been so hard about telling me about the physical dependance BEFORE I started it? So my mistrust, fear and hatred of the whole profession runs deep... I don't really want to deal with them. Unfortunately, to transition, I will have to.
On the same self-defeating note, I think Phantom makes me brood more than usual. It turns a mirror on my own ugliness, my own distorted soul, and makes me think about my own pain, my own terrible lonliness. I'm only just realizing, thanks to my beloved Phantom, how lonely I really am sometimes. I sat in the shower and cried, just cried the other night, thinking about the song, Learn to be Lonely. All I could hear in my head was that phrase, over and over again (and I hate that bloody song) "learn to be lonely.... learn to be lonely..." and it just hurt.. knowing, realizing, that I really have no friends. All I have in the world is my mate... and I don't even know sometimes how I feel about him anymore. It's pretty awful to not have any friends except your partner. Really makes your world seem small. Problem is, I hate people so much... and of those I don't hate, how can one make friends when one can't stand to be out there, facing the possibility of more fear, more rejection? I had thought... I had really thought, that I truly, truly had learned to be lonely, by now. Maybe it's not ever truly possible to.
As far as the car goes, it is a constant, constant source of worry for me. I feel an awful twist in my gut every time I think about shopping for one, now. I can't stand it. And I feel the same wrenching anxiety when I drive my car, because I know it could break down for good, any time. What would I do? What could I do? How... how do you say goodbye to something you've loved, the one thing that has granted you any freedom, your ticket to so many good places, good things?
In regards to CATS... supposed to see it on Sunday. I'm feeling kind of sick tonight, though. Sore throat and my lungs are feeling... not congested, not yet. But it burns/tingles/aches to breathe, and that's never a good first sign. Otherwise, I feel okay, I mean, I don't feel sick yet. However... since I'm supposed to be working a closing shift tomorrow, if I feel the least bit sick, even only as sick as this tomorrow, when I get up, I am calling out. They have enough people scheduled tomorrow night that they can cover it, and I am NOT MISSING CATS AGAIN FOR BEING SICK. No one will be happy about me calling out, but they can just DEAL with it because this is too important to me. As much as I've been thinking "it's not Phantom... nothing will do but Phantom...", I still wouldn't miss it for the world.
And back to Phantom... I plan to see it again, especially now that other theaters have actually picked it up (took them a week, around here). I saw an old friend of mine at work the other day, and told her she ought to see it. It's the kind of thing I think she'd enjoy, and besides... well... I have to brainwash as many people as possible into seeing it so I have more people to talk to about it. (Talked a co-worker into seeing it, too, she's going tomorrow.) I'm pondering calling her tomorrow and inviting her to go along with me (and possibly my mate) on Monday. Don't know if she'd even be free. The trouble is... I don't know how much we have in common anymore, and it makes it hard to see her, sometimes. Sometimes it's good to see her again... sometimes it's bad. It's so hard for me to NOT be lonely, I'm so antisocial sometimes. A lot of times.
Oh well... I needed to get some of that out in writing, I think.