Tired thoughts
Today was an emotional day. It was my first day back at work since coming back here.
I really had held it together until today. I really had. I'd had a lot of moments of nearly crying and a lot of moments of misery, but I just kind of lost it in the face of work.
I felt a miserable, twisting feeling when I stood and stared for a moment at the Pirates display. I started to cry a little when I found Ringers in the documentary section. Not because any of my memories are bad, but because they're memories now.
I still haven't had a proper cry over this, and I think I really need to, to let it out. I'd probably be better for it.
I suddenly realised how I could cause it. God. I just need to watch End of Days, don't I? Does it to me every time. I know I was crying for more than the characters (friends, puts in some voice in my head) at the time I watched it the first time, too. I felt better afterwards. That might just be a solution, although one I don't particularly find enticing. I generally don't TRY to make myself cry, but on the other hand, I'm sick of feeling like this, too.
Can't lose resolve. Can't forget who I am. Can't let them impose their vision of me onto me again, trapping and wounding me. Can't let them take away everything I've learnt, everything I've gained.
Easier said than done, of course.
Soo... not sure how much of this is post-con depression, how much is lonliness and grief at having to be so very far away from friends, how much is some weird hormonal swing, how much is readjusting my meds to this time zone, how much is the weather (it bloody well snowed again today - WHY), and how much is possibly a general mood downswing. I really don't know, and I always feel a bit more secure when I know what it is, so I know how to get through it.
I'm sure it's actually far too complicated for that.
Then there's also the issue of dealing with my broken tooth. Which is still freaking me out, but possibly couldn't have happened at a better or worse time. It's a good time in the sense that I'm so distracted by my mess of feelings already that I've little energy to use to panic about this, and bad in the sense that it's just one more thing on top of everything else.
The phone book suggests there may be an office that's open on Saturdays and sees emergency patients.... I am calling tomorrow.
On a COMPLETELY different note, the bright spot in the middle of my workday was when I remembered "Hey, we have Doctor Who Magazine now, and I meant to get that, cause it's got John in it!" So I bought the thing with my discount (I ALMOST bought it at the con but the whole, you know, two bucks off persuaded me to wait.) I went out to my car (it was actually above freezing today!) for my break, and read the Torchwood bit and the John interview bit. I actually laughed out loud.
If you've seen the picture at the end of his interview, where they're all pulling slips out of the Tardis box - how in character are all their expressions? Eve looks amused/surprised, Burn looks like he's saying "hmph", Naoko looks somewhat scandalised and Gareth looks gently disapproving. Seeing as all the questions were just slightly suggestive... (Okay, most of them.) It made me laugh.
Let's just not talk about the idea that JB thinks he has love handles. Don't make me snort derisively. I'm sure it's NOTHING.
Love the little look behind the scenes in the general Torchwood part. THERE HAD BETTER BE OUTTAKES ON THE DVDS, I SWEAR TO GOD. You KNOW there were good ones, with that group. You just KNOW it. I want to SEE. I want to see behind-the-scenes footage. I want it all. And they'd better not take their sweet time getting it to the US, either... but you know they will.
Still seeking more Never Mind the Buzzcocks. Grumph. I need like... a direct pipeline to British TV. An IV.
And I still do need to write to John.. It's sad I'm actually shy about the idea. It's just a letter.
I really had held it together until today. I really had. I'd had a lot of moments of nearly crying and a lot of moments of misery, but I just kind of lost it in the face of work.
I felt a miserable, twisting feeling when I stood and stared for a moment at the Pirates display. I started to cry a little when I found Ringers in the documentary section. Not because any of my memories are bad, but because they're memories now.
I still haven't had a proper cry over this, and I think I really need to, to let it out. I'd probably be better for it.
I suddenly realised how I could cause it. God. I just need to watch End of Days, don't I? Does it to me every time. I know I was crying for more than the characters (friends, puts in some voice in my head) at the time I watched it the first time, too. I felt better afterwards. That might just be a solution, although one I don't particularly find enticing. I generally don't TRY to make myself cry, but on the other hand, I'm sick of feeling like this, too.
Can't lose resolve. Can't forget who I am. Can't let them impose their vision of me onto me again, trapping and wounding me. Can't let them take away everything I've learnt, everything I've gained.
Easier said than done, of course.
Soo... not sure how much of this is post-con depression, how much is lonliness and grief at having to be so very far away from friends, how much is some weird hormonal swing, how much is readjusting my meds to this time zone, how much is the weather (it bloody well snowed again today - WHY), and how much is possibly a general mood downswing. I really don't know, and I always feel a bit more secure when I know what it is, so I know how to get through it.
I'm sure it's actually far too complicated for that.
Then there's also the issue of dealing with my broken tooth. Which is still freaking me out, but possibly couldn't have happened at a better or worse time. It's a good time in the sense that I'm so distracted by my mess of feelings already that I've little energy to use to panic about this, and bad in the sense that it's just one more thing on top of everything else.
The phone book suggests there may be an office that's open on Saturdays and sees emergency patients.... I am calling tomorrow.
On a COMPLETELY different note, the bright spot in the middle of my workday was when I remembered "Hey, we have Doctor Who Magazine now, and I meant to get that, cause it's got John in it!" So I bought the thing with my discount (I ALMOST bought it at the con but the whole, you know, two bucks off persuaded me to wait.) I went out to my car (it was actually above freezing today!) for my break, and read the Torchwood bit and the John interview bit. I actually laughed out loud.
If you've seen the picture at the end of his interview, where they're all pulling slips out of the Tardis box - how in character are all their expressions? Eve looks amused/surprised, Burn looks like he's saying "hmph", Naoko looks somewhat scandalised and Gareth looks gently disapproving. Seeing as all the questions were just slightly suggestive... (Okay, most of them.) It made me laugh.
Let's just not talk about the idea that JB thinks he has love handles. Don't make me snort derisively. I'm sure it's NOTHING.
Love the little look behind the scenes in the general Torchwood part. THERE HAD BETTER BE OUTTAKES ON THE DVDS, I SWEAR TO GOD. You KNOW there were good ones, with that group. You just KNOW it. I want to SEE. I want to see behind-the-scenes footage. I want it all. And they'd better not take their sweet time getting it to the US, either... but you know they will.
Still seeking more Never Mind the Buzzcocks. Grumph. I need like... a direct pipeline to British TV. An IV.
And I still do need to write to John.. It's sad I'm actually shy about the idea. It's just a letter.