I am Disturbed
With a capital D, yes. And not the way you think, I'm not saying I'm crazy. Well, I am, but that's not what I meant. I meant, I am Disturbed By This. I finished Only Human today. (I'm going to assume no one who reads this journal is interested in reading the book, and therefore doesn't care about spoilers. If you do, for some reason, care, you should probably just skip this entry.)
It started out well and all. Very interesting. Caveman in 21st century England and all that. People from the way future in the way past. You know, interesting. And intriguing mystery. Some nice character bits for Rose, wherein she discovers that humanity kills the Neanderthals and that the Neanderthals were people too. (Really had some flashbacks to the Clan of the Cave Bear series, there.) The only hitch, of course, was that once AGAIN, the author apparently did not know what to do with Jack, and stranded him on Earth, sidelining him for the "B" storyline while the Doctor and Rose went and actually, you know, DID stuff. I'll assume this was written before Jack's episodes aired, once again. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt, since come ON, it's JACK, and you should be WRITING COOL STUFF FOR HIM. Humph.
So anyway, story progresses, going well, the enemies are interesting and kind of funny (very polite killers, twas interesting), mystery abounds, some funny moments with Jack's side story. Then... then things get disturbing.
I'm sure they were MEANT to be disturbing. I'm sure they were meant to be weird. But I don't think they were meant to be as disturbing as I find them. Disturbing enough to make my stomach knot, my heart beat faster, start a little panicky whirl in my brain. I don't think the author ever meant that. But he couldn't have known about my nightmares.
You see, these future people, they're very advanced. Have some very advanced med tech. And at one point, the baddie of the story, this crazy future woman, captures the Doctor. And she decides she's going to have a little look round at how he works. So she drugs him up with happy drugs, numbs him all down and then cuts him open and fishes around in his guts. While he's awake and talking to her. He's not caring, because he's, you know, on the happy drugs. But I'm caring, I'm caring a lot, because this is an awful lot like a recurring nightmare theme of mine.
Then it gets worse. I'm thinking "oh, well, at least that's all over then. I did not like that, Doctor, I did not like that at all, but you're okay now and we'll just move on". Oh, I was thinking wrong.
You see, later on, baddie lady catches the Doctor AND Rose. She uses Rose as a hostage. By separating her body from her head, which SHE knows how to put back together. Rose is alive. She's conscious. Her body moves, it's just not attached. (And no, they never do explain the """science""" behind this.) Why, hello panic, how are you today? Right, right, miserable as usual, we'll just carry on then, shall we?
It all works out in the end, of course. The Doctor's no worse for wear, Rose gets put back together and she's fine. Jack rejoins the crew. It's all okay. Of course it's okay.
Except that I feel like curling up in a little ball and shaking. I don't know why this is such a thing for me. I've had some very, very vivid nightmares of... well, I don't know what you call it, really. Conscious vivisection? I've not usually been the victim in my dreams. In fact, occasionally, in the more disturbing ones, I've been the perpetrator. And people I've loved have been victims. I recall one in particular where I pulled my father's face off, and was watching the muscles in his face as he talked. In the light of day (or rather, the flourescent light of night), written down, that doesn't sound so horrific, I suppose. Trust me when I say, however, that there are some very powerful bad feelings associated with this. And I really, really have a very bad feeling about body parts coming off. I am still deeply disturbed by the critters in Labyrinth that do that, and to them, it's perfectly natural. This was not perfectly natural.
I haven't got a CLUE why this is such a thing for me. Where this came from. What a bizzare phobia to have. It's not something that's likely at all to ever actually come up. Surgery in and of itself, doesn't scare me more than the average person. However, I'm probably more scared than average of waking up during surgery (an EXTREMELY RARE occurance). This was NOT at all helped by being aware for a few moments during my wisdom tooth extraction. Now I've got my own real, tangible memories of that sort of thing, instead of just powerfully miserable nightmares. I really don't know what it's about. It's probably symbolic, but I'm not terribly good at those sorts of things, and tend to scoff anyway. Although in this case... I can't see it NOT being symbolic of something, because it's so damn out of left field.
I know it's just a book. I know they're just fictional characters. I still can't shake the desire to see them, to touch them, to KNOW they're okay. To know, in a way, that it was all just a dream. Just like I can wake up from my nightmares and see proof, real proof that I didn't pull my father's face off, I want that kind of reassurance that this was a 'dream'. The best I can do, really, is watch some episodes, and never read that damn book again. Try to forget it. I know, however, that that's not likely. I doubt I'll be able to forget. It's going to be like the damn Vervoids all over again, except this time, I won't go back, watch it, and say to myself "that wasn't as bad as I remember it. It's still scary, but it got blown out of proportion over the years".
Man, I need to stop thinking about it now, my stomach's just getting twisted up again.
Also, I was so distracted by this that if "bad wolf" was in this one, I didn't notice.
In other news, I have not received a response to my email about dance. I'm unsure of what to do. I mean, what if she read it but hasn't responded? Should I go to class, not knowing if my secret is actually out or not? What do I do? I only have until tomorrow evening to figure this out, and that's not enough time.
I had an interesting revelation on my walk today, however. I realised that I haven't got any concept of what a good outcome for this would be. The only outcomes I can see are bad ones. I haven't got a clue what it would be like for things to go WELL. I assume so completely that I will be rejected, that I will face discrimination, that I will be outcast, that I haven't any idea what it would be like if I am simply accepted back as male at face value. I can't even picture it. It took a while to even formulate that as a good outcome.
Evidently, I'm even MORE pessimistic than I thought, and that is saying something.
Oh, good news, though! Diagnosis Murder Season 1 is finally, FINALLY out on DVD. Hallelujah. I thought they were NEVER going to put the series out!! It'll be a little while, probably, before they get to the seasons I really remember, but that's okay, at least I know they're releasing the series, now.
Also, a bit of TMI. I've had my period for almost a full two weeks now. This is not right, and not okay. I mean, for me, this sort of thing is not completely unheard of, however, this doesn't make it particularly good... or necessarily healthy. It's now a matter of "how long do I wait before I really feel a need to seek medical attention". Fortunately for my body, I suppose, I have an appointment for a physical with a new doctor on Wednesday. Perhaps it will be over by then anyway...
Ah. There. I have an Eccleston episode on, now. So pretty on DVD... Can't wait till I can have Tennant's episodes on pretty, pretty DVD. Instead of crappy, home burned DVD with lots of pixelly artifacts on it. Not that I'm not grateful for the crappy home burned DVD. It's well better than nothing.
Time to look at some more costume pics from Dragon*Con, I think. Those are fun, and I can stay up a bit tonight since I don't work tomorrow.
It started out well and all. Very interesting. Caveman in 21st century England and all that. People from the way future in the way past. You know, interesting. And intriguing mystery. Some nice character bits for Rose, wherein she discovers that humanity kills the Neanderthals and that the Neanderthals were people too. (Really had some flashbacks to the Clan of the Cave Bear series, there.) The only hitch, of course, was that once AGAIN, the author apparently did not know what to do with Jack, and stranded him on Earth, sidelining him for the "B" storyline while the Doctor and Rose went and actually, you know, DID stuff. I'll assume this was written before Jack's episodes aired, once again. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt, since come ON, it's JACK, and you should be WRITING COOL STUFF FOR HIM. Humph.
So anyway, story progresses, going well, the enemies are interesting and kind of funny (very polite killers, twas interesting), mystery abounds, some funny moments with Jack's side story. Then... then things get disturbing.
I'm sure they were MEANT to be disturbing. I'm sure they were meant to be weird. But I don't think they were meant to be as disturbing as I find them. Disturbing enough to make my stomach knot, my heart beat faster, start a little panicky whirl in my brain. I don't think the author ever meant that. But he couldn't have known about my nightmares.
You see, these future people, they're very advanced. Have some very advanced med tech. And at one point, the baddie of the story, this crazy future woman, captures the Doctor. And she decides she's going to have a little look round at how he works. So she drugs him up with happy drugs, numbs him all down and then cuts him open and fishes around in his guts. While he's awake and talking to her. He's not caring, because he's, you know, on the happy drugs. But I'm caring, I'm caring a lot, because this is an awful lot like a recurring nightmare theme of mine.
Then it gets worse. I'm thinking "oh, well, at least that's all over then. I did not like that, Doctor, I did not like that at all, but you're okay now and we'll just move on". Oh, I was thinking wrong.
You see, later on, baddie lady catches the Doctor AND Rose. She uses Rose as a hostage. By separating her body from her head, which SHE knows how to put back together. Rose is alive. She's conscious. Her body moves, it's just not attached. (And no, they never do explain the """science""" behind this.) Why, hello panic, how are you today? Right, right, miserable as usual, we'll just carry on then, shall we?
It all works out in the end, of course. The Doctor's no worse for wear, Rose gets put back together and she's fine. Jack rejoins the crew. It's all okay. Of course it's okay.
Except that I feel like curling up in a little ball and shaking. I don't know why this is such a thing for me. I've had some very, very vivid nightmares of... well, I don't know what you call it, really. Conscious vivisection? I've not usually been the victim in my dreams. In fact, occasionally, in the more disturbing ones, I've been the perpetrator. And people I've loved have been victims. I recall one in particular where I pulled my father's face off, and was watching the muscles in his face as he talked. In the light of day (or rather, the flourescent light of night), written down, that doesn't sound so horrific, I suppose. Trust me when I say, however, that there are some very powerful bad feelings associated with this. And I really, really have a very bad feeling about body parts coming off. I am still deeply disturbed by the critters in Labyrinth that do that, and to them, it's perfectly natural. This was not perfectly natural.
I haven't got a CLUE why this is such a thing for me. Where this came from. What a bizzare phobia to have. It's not something that's likely at all to ever actually come up. Surgery in and of itself, doesn't scare me more than the average person. However, I'm probably more scared than average of waking up during surgery (an EXTREMELY RARE occurance). This was NOT at all helped by being aware for a few moments during my wisdom tooth extraction. Now I've got my own real, tangible memories of that sort of thing, instead of just powerfully miserable nightmares. I really don't know what it's about. It's probably symbolic, but I'm not terribly good at those sorts of things, and tend to scoff anyway. Although in this case... I can't see it NOT being symbolic of something, because it's so damn out of left field.
I know it's just a book. I know they're just fictional characters. I still can't shake the desire to see them, to touch them, to KNOW they're okay. To know, in a way, that it was all just a dream. Just like I can wake up from my nightmares and see proof, real proof that I didn't pull my father's face off, I want that kind of reassurance that this was a 'dream'. The best I can do, really, is watch some episodes, and never read that damn book again. Try to forget it. I know, however, that that's not likely. I doubt I'll be able to forget. It's going to be like the damn Vervoids all over again, except this time, I won't go back, watch it, and say to myself "that wasn't as bad as I remember it. It's still scary, but it got blown out of proportion over the years".
Man, I need to stop thinking about it now, my stomach's just getting twisted up again.
Also, I was so distracted by this that if "bad wolf" was in this one, I didn't notice.
In other news, I have not received a response to my email about dance. I'm unsure of what to do. I mean, what if she read it but hasn't responded? Should I go to class, not knowing if my secret is actually out or not? What do I do? I only have until tomorrow evening to figure this out, and that's not enough time.
I had an interesting revelation on my walk today, however. I realised that I haven't got any concept of what a good outcome for this would be. The only outcomes I can see are bad ones. I haven't got a clue what it would be like for things to go WELL. I assume so completely that I will be rejected, that I will face discrimination, that I will be outcast, that I haven't any idea what it would be like if I am simply accepted back as male at face value. I can't even picture it. It took a while to even formulate that as a good outcome.
Evidently, I'm even MORE pessimistic than I thought, and that is saying something.
Oh, good news, though! Diagnosis Murder Season 1 is finally, FINALLY out on DVD. Hallelujah. I thought they were NEVER going to put the series out!! It'll be a little while, probably, before they get to the seasons I really remember, but that's okay, at least I know they're releasing the series, now.
Also, a bit of TMI. I've had my period for almost a full two weeks now. This is not right, and not okay. I mean, for me, this sort of thing is not completely unheard of, however, this doesn't make it particularly good... or necessarily healthy. It's now a matter of "how long do I wait before I really feel a need to seek medical attention". Fortunately for my body, I suppose, I have an appointment for a physical with a new doctor on Wednesday. Perhaps it will be over by then anyway...
Ah. There. I have an Eccleston episode on, now. So pretty on DVD... Can't wait till I can have Tennant's episodes on pretty, pretty DVD. Instead of crappy, home burned DVD with lots of pixelly artifacts on it. Not that I'm not grateful for the crappy home burned DVD. It's well better than nothing.
Time to look at some more costume pics from Dragon*Con, I think. Those are fun, and I can stay up a bit tonight since I don't work tomorrow.