Miserable again.
Okay, having some major mood swing issues lately, though things are mostly on the way, way down side the last week or two. I should maybe start taking my Paxil again. *sigh* I still hate those drugs. Not only do they seem to ruin my imagination, but - and here's some serious TMI - last time I took Paxil, I couldn't have an orgasm. THAT was depressing. This time it's Paxil "CR"... and apparently the doctor thinks somehow this will change things. I am doubtful.
I think maybe I should urge my mate to get in touch with some sort of trans SOFFA group in the near future. I suspect that part of the reason he never seems to care what's going on with me is that it's just too much, or too confusing, or something. Maybe if he had other people to talk to who are seeing this from his side and not mine. It's hard for me to deal with this without feeling like I have any real support, and if I'm wanting HIM to be support, how hard must it be for him to deal with it without support? He hasn't really said much, except a couple comments about how it would be nice to read about other boyfriends of transguys. I don't know how he'd take the suggestion, but it might make things easier for both of us.
I suspect also, that he thinks the fact that he's really the only one who knows me pretty much exclusively as male (except for the fact that he has to make concessions to my parents and use female name/pronouns) is really enough. I doubt he has any real concept of how insecure, confused, scared and miserable I am most of the time. The closer I get to transitioning, the less comforting it is to know that there's one person who calls me "he". It just isn't enough anymore. I have a lot of real shit to deal with soon, and it's not enough to have a little 'haven' of being male anymore. I need more than that.
Something suddenly struck me, and great, now I have something ELSE to worry about and be miserable about. This Disney World trip my mother is vaguely planning, that may or may not (but probably will) take me away from Gallifrey, she wants to bring my aunt and cousin (5 yrs old... maybe 6... can't remember) along. I think it's a pity/family bonding/sympathy thing, since my uncle just died. That's a whole other thing, though. Back to me being selfish. Ever since mom had mentioned something about sometime in the future going to Disney and maybe the mate could come along, I've been worried about what stage of coming out/transitioning I'll be in at that point, what bathroom I will use, what sleeping arrangements we'll have while there, etc. It just gets SO much more complicated with the extended family along.
Speaking of sleeping arrangements for that trip, mom suggested in recent talks about said trip that we rent a 'four bedroom house, with two master bedrooms' for the group of us. I now must ponder/worry about what this means. I assume she means four bedrooms TOTAL, with two of them being master bedrooms. So... then who gets what rooms? Obviously mom and dad are in one master bedroom. That leaves one master and two regular bedrooms. Is it aunt/cousin in the other master, brother/mate in another and me in another? Aunt in master, cousin/me (SO not doing that. I'm sorry, but 22 year old guys don't share a room with 6 year old girls, cousin and pure intentions or not) and mate/brother? It is way too much to hope it might be mate/me in master, cousin/aunt and brother. Way too much. If it's 6 bedrooms, two masters and four bedrooms, then what? Mom/Dad (master), Aunt (master) and each 'kid' in a separate room? Gaa. I hate these ambiguous parental statements that end up leading to worry worry worry worry worry. It happens a frightening amount when it comes to me being trans and anything to do with my mate joining the family for an activity.
I would also love to know why after 3 years, mom hasn't seemed to have reconciled in her mind the fact that every time I go over to my mates house, we are sleeping in the same bed. I haven't exactly said that... but it's at the very least the same ROOM, and she knows THAT, she has to figure... I mean, thinking about your kids doin' it is probably a lot like thinking about your parents.. but it would be different if we were married, I know it. We would BOTH be sleeping in the basement when he comes over here if we were married. It's just dumb. We COULD get married, right now, but I don't want to. Aside from the fact that I am very nearly as terrified of committment to anything as dear old Dr. Ross on ER, I don't want to get into a legal mess later on. Maybe someday, if the laws change and any genders can marry each other. Maybe then.
I have now succeeded in making myself totally miserable. Way to go, me! It's like a special talent I have. The power of SuperSelfMisery. My super outfit is black. And spandex, because seeing myself in spandex would make me feel worse. Maybe with underwear on the outside, because the public humiliation would just make things so much better.
Maybe I'll play a game for a while, and try to forget this crap. It never works. Try, try again.
I think maybe I should urge my mate to get in touch with some sort of trans SOFFA group in the near future. I suspect that part of the reason he never seems to care what's going on with me is that it's just too much, or too confusing, or something. Maybe if he had other people to talk to who are seeing this from his side and not mine. It's hard for me to deal with this without feeling like I have any real support, and if I'm wanting HIM to be support, how hard must it be for him to deal with it without support? He hasn't really said much, except a couple comments about how it would be nice to read about other boyfriends of transguys. I don't know how he'd take the suggestion, but it might make things easier for both of us.
I suspect also, that he thinks the fact that he's really the only one who knows me pretty much exclusively as male (except for the fact that he has to make concessions to my parents and use female name/pronouns) is really enough. I doubt he has any real concept of how insecure, confused, scared and miserable I am most of the time. The closer I get to transitioning, the less comforting it is to know that there's one person who calls me "he". It just isn't enough anymore. I have a lot of real shit to deal with soon, and it's not enough to have a little 'haven' of being male anymore. I need more than that.
Something suddenly struck me, and great, now I have something ELSE to worry about and be miserable about. This Disney World trip my mother is vaguely planning, that may or may not (but probably will) take me away from Gallifrey, she wants to bring my aunt and cousin (5 yrs old... maybe 6... can't remember) along. I think it's a pity/family bonding/sympathy thing, since my uncle just died. That's a whole other thing, though. Back to me being selfish. Ever since mom had mentioned something about sometime in the future going to Disney and maybe the mate could come along, I've been worried about what stage of coming out/transitioning I'll be in at that point, what bathroom I will use, what sleeping arrangements we'll have while there, etc. It just gets SO much more complicated with the extended family along.
Speaking of sleeping arrangements for that trip, mom suggested in recent talks about said trip that we rent a 'four bedroom house, with two master bedrooms' for the group of us. I now must ponder/worry about what this means. I assume she means four bedrooms TOTAL, with two of them being master bedrooms. So... then who gets what rooms? Obviously mom and dad are in one master bedroom. That leaves one master and two regular bedrooms. Is it aunt/cousin in the other master, brother/mate in another and me in another? Aunt in master, cousin/me (SO not doing that. I'm sorry, but 22 year old guys don't share a room with 6 year old girls, cousin and pure intentions or not) and mate/brother? It is way too much to hope it might be mate/me in master, cousin/aunt and brother. Way too much. If it's 6 bedrooms, two masters and four bedrooms, then what? Mom/Dad (master), Aunt (master) and each 'kid' in a separate room? Gaa. I hate these ambiguous parental statements that end up leading to worry worry worry worry worry. It happens a frightening amount when it comes to me being trans and anything to do with my mate joining the family for an activity.
I would also love to know why after 3 years, mom hasn't seemed to have reconciled in her mind the fact that every time I go over to my mates house, we are sleeping in the same bed. I haven't exactly said that... but it's at the very least the same ROOM, and she knows THAT, she has to figure... I mean, thinking about your kids doin' it is probably a lot like thinking about your parents.. but it would be different if we were married, I know it. We would BOTH be sleeping in the basement when he comes over here if we were married. It's just dumb. We COULD get married, right now, but I don't want to. Aside from the fact that I am very nearly as terrified of committment to anything as dear old Dr. Ross on ER, I don't want to get into a legal mess later on. Maybe someday, if the laws change and any genders can marry each other. Maybe then.
I have now succeeded in making myself totally miserable. Way to go, me! It's like a special talent I have. The power of SuperSelfMisery. My super outfit is black. And spandex, because seeing myself in spandex would make me feel worse. Maybe with underwear on the outside, because the public humiliation would just make things so much better.
Maybe I'll play a game for a while, and try to forget this crap. It never works. Try, try again.