I must just be weird.
I spend WAY too much time just navigating through mazes of communities here on LJ. Start with an interest list, find a post in a community with a link to another (often found in an "X-Posted To" list - good way to find similar groups whose keywords might not be obvious) and so on and so on. It's addictive and pointless behavior.
So anyway, the point being, I eventually happened upon this post.
If it's normal to have internal conversations with real people you know, in your head, what does that mean then, when you have conversations with fictional characters?
I've been this way as long as I can remember. Once, I got scared I might be schizophrenic, but as I don't actually 'hear' voices as though there are actually physical people talking to me, or (usually) 'hear' a distinctive voice in my head, I really don't think that's the case. If it were, I'm the highest functioning one I've ever heard of. No, it's really more of an internal dialog, except that it's not so much me as someone else I'm talking to.
This is, by the way, wholly separate from a coworker I have to talks CONSTANTLY to herself, out loud, in a loud whisper, but does not seem to realize she is doing it. No, I can actually deal with this without vocalizations. Although when I'm alone, I usually vocalize. This is one really good reason I need to have a two bedroom apartment when I move with my mate. I need some nights where I can talk before I sleep, because that's how I've been sleeping for 22 years. (Well, not those first few, I'm sure.)
Maybe it's some mild form of a dissociative disorder or something, or maybe it's something everyone does but doesn't talk about. Maybe it's the same thing as 'talking to' real people in your head, but I don't like talking to real people, so I elect to talk to fictional characters instead. Undoubtedly it's some sort of coping mechanism. For something. Working through problems, mostly. It's not a very GOOD coping mechanism, seeing as I still have so many problems to work out, and seeing as I usually end up running round in circles on any problem I'm presented with.
Usually it's mostly an indistinct 'group' I'm talking with, a feeling of getting input from a bunch of people, but occasionally I'm talking to someone in particular.
Now I'm scaring myself.
It's odd, because this is pretty much my deep dark secret. Now here it is, out on Livejournal for the world to see. I guess it's not that weird in the grand scheme of things, but it has always felt like a real brand of insanity to me. I have never brought this up in therapy, nor do I ever intend to. I mentioned it to my mother once, and considering the 'weirded out' vibe, never did again.
Honestly, it's one reason I don't like antidepressants. It ... muffles the communication, I guess. Which may be a real indicator that something amiss is going on here, now that I think about it.
All this, of course, is completely separate from my mostly unconscious habit of picking up and mimicking mannerisms of characters/people I see a lot. I catch myself doing/saying things that are not my usual pattern a LOT. Often it's just as simple as imitating the speech pattern of the people I'm around. Sometimes it's really stupid like after watching what has to have been nearly 100 hours of ER (no, seriously - I watched all of Season 2, then rewatched most of seasons 1 and 3 - AND some of season 2 again) over the time I was out of work, catching myself tipping my head to the side ala Dr. Ross. (If anyone asks why I'm suddenly not walking with my usual head-down stance and instead tilting, I shall simply blame it on my dizzyness/ear pain. Ha. I have an EXCUSE this time.) I remember in fifth grade, picking up speech mannerisms from watching Lion King. Yes, it is that sad. It tends to be things I admire/people I like, I guess I just... assimilate it.
The pitiful thing is, I'm sure it doesn't come out looking or sounding anything like it FEELS on this end. So no, no one ever picks up on it. (Unless it's something obvious like the overuse of the word "majorly" after one session at camp one year. Damn my cabin mates. I still fall into that sometimes.) That's both a relief and a disappointment, since some of it would be damn good if I could actually pull it off properly...
None of this, of course, is remotely what I had set out to post about tonight.
I've forgotten what exactly that was...
So anyway, the point being, I eventually happened upon this post.
If it's normal to have internal conversations with real people you know, in your head, what does that mean then, when you have conversations with fictional characters?
I've been this way as long as I can remember. Once, I got scared I might be schizophrenic, but as I don't actually 'hear' voices as though there are actually physical people talking to me, or (usually) 'hear' a distinctive voice in my head, I really don't think that's the case. If it were, I'm the highest functioning one I've ever heard of. No, it's really more of an internal dialog, except that it's not so much me as someone else I'm talking to.
This is, by the way, wholly separate from a coworker I have to talks CONSTANTLY to herself, out loud, in a loud whisper, but does not seem to realize she is doing it. No, I can actually deal with this without vocalizations. Although when I'm alone, I usually vocalize. This is one really good reason I need to have a two bedroom apartment when I move with my mate. I need some nights where I can talk before I sleep, because that's how I've been sleeping for 22 years. (Well, not those first few, I'm sure.)
Maybe it's some mild form of a dissociative disorder or something, or maybe it's something everyone does but doesn't talk about. Maybe it's the same thing as 'talking to' real people in your head, but I don't like talking to real people, so I elect to talk to fictional characters instead. Undoubtedly it's some sort of coping mechanism. For something. Working through problems, mostly. It's not a very GOOD coping mechanism, seeing as I still have so many problems to work out, and seeing as I usually end up running round in circles on any problem I'm presented with.
Usually it's mostly an indistinct 'group' I'm talking with, a feeling of getting input from a bunch of people, but occasionally I'm talking to someone in particular.
Now I'm scaring myself.
It's odd, because this is pretty much my deep dark secret. Now here it is, out on Livejournal for the world to see. I guess it's not that weird in the grand scheme of things, but it has always felt like a real brand of insanity to me. I have never brought this up in therapy, nor do I ever intend to. I mentioned it to my mother once, and considering the 'weirded out' vibe, never did again.
Honestly, it's one reason I don't like antidepressants. It ... muffles the communication, I guess. Which may be a real indicator that something amiss is going on here, now that I think about it.
All this, of course, is completely separate from my mostly unconscious habit of picking up and mimicking mannerisms of characters/people I see a lot. I catch myself doing/saying things that are not my usual pattern a LOT. Often it's just as simple as imitating the speech pattern of the people I'm around. Sometimes it's really stupid like after watching what has to have been nearly 100 hours of ER (no, seriously - I watched all of Season 2, then rewatched most of seasons 1 and 3 - AND some of season 2 again) over the time I was out of work, catching myself tipping my head to the side ala Dr. Ross. (If anyone asks why I'm suddenly not walking with my usual head-down stance and instead tilting, I shall simply blame it on my dizzyness/ear pain. Ha. I have an EXCUSE this time.) I remember in fifth grade, picking up speech mannerisms from watching Lion King. Yes, it is that sad. It tends to be things I admire/people I like, I guess I just... assimilate it.
The pitiful thing is, I'm sure it doesn't come out looking or sounding anything like it FEELS on this end. So no, no one ever picks up on it. (Unless it's something obvious like the overuse of the word "majorly" after one session at camp one year. Damn my cabin mates. I still fall into that sometimes.) That's both a relief and a disappointment, since some of it would be damn good if I could actually pull it off properly...
None of this, of course, is remotely what I had set out to post about tonight.
I've forgotten what exactly that was...