Work is seriously screwed up.
I obviously have to quit my job. I was doing so much better the last couple weeks. My depression was a lot lighter, I was a lot more able to handle things. I mean, I had some tough times. But over all, I had a lot fewer spells of utter misery, a lot fewer harmful thoughts, even though I was in pain, I was dizzy as hell and I was concerned about losing money from being out of work. As soon as I start work again, I'm right back into my I'd-rather-die-than-go-back thoughts and my I'm-totally-worthless-and-not-going-anywhere thoughts. These are generally coupled with the I'll-never-get-to-transition thoughts, I-hate-my-family-they're-idiots-and-holding-me-back and the uncertainty-about-the-health-of-my-relationship thoughts. I'd rather be in utter physical misery than deal with everyday work stuff. The thing is, no one ever understands just how miserable work makes me. They all say "everyone hates work" or "you have a good job" - yeah, okay, other people hate thier jobs too, but your job shouldn't make you suicidal. It should be an irritation, something you have to do, you don't want to, it's boring as hell, but you can DEAL with it. The thing is, I can't DEAL with it properly.
So I obviously need to find a new place to work. I haven't got a clue where, or what I could do, or what I WANT to do. So life sucks.
On the plus side, I'm all about bringin on the post top surgery pain now. It can't possibly be that bad.
I read a bit of an interesting book on brains today. (Speaking of top surgery.) I was looking at the part on phantom limb syndrome, and it had a bit on women who had had mastectomies having phantom breast syndrome, which is something that's actually mentioned every so often on ftm forums. What intrigued me though, was that in the study of phantom limb, they were checking to see where else the brain might be mapping the missing body parts. For example, the 'hand' map is near the 'face' map in the brain, so amputees sometimes end up feeling their hands being touched when their face is touched. Even more interestingly, the 'foot' map is near the 'genital' map on the brain, so leg amputees have reported foot sensation during sex. (One guy said he had orgasms in his missing foot simultaneous to his regular ones. Iiiinteresting.) The author of the book speculated this may be the origin, or a contributing factor to, foot fetishes. And why people like to have their toes sucked. (He has a phantom limb theory saying that there are 'backup' maps of everything that kinda overlaps where they end up when something's amputated... so you might have some natural crossover between the feet and genitals... or something. Damn it's late.) Anyway. The pertinant part of this is that women who had had mastectomies (no FTMs in the study... darn) felt nipple sensation when thier earlobes were touched, and also parts of the sternum and clavicle. It just made me think it's worth experimenting with if you lose nipple sensation after top surgery... that's all. All that, to make that tiny little point. But it was a pretty interesting book anyway.
So yeah. Life sucks, interesting book, ER still rocks, Dr. Ross still rocks, Turlough does too and so does Mark Strickson. Ha.
So I obviously need to find a new place to work. I haven't got a clue where, or what I could do, or what I WANT to do. So life sucks.
On the plus side, I'm all about bringin on the post top surgery pain now. It can't possibly be that bad.
I read a bit of an interesting book on brains today. (Speaking of top surgery.) I was looking at the part on phantom limb syndrome, and it had a bit on women who had had mastectomies having phantom breast syndrome, which is something that's actually mentioned every so often on ftm forums. What intrigued me though, was that in the study of phantom limb, they were checking to see where else the brain might be mapping the missing body parts. For example, the 'hand' map is near the 'face' map in the brain, so amputees sometimes end up feeling their hands being touched when their face is touched. Even more interestingly, the 'foot' map is near the 'genital' map on the brain, so leg amputees have reported foot sensation during sex. (One guy said he had orgasms in his missing foot simultaneous to his regular ones. Iiiinteresting.) The author of the book speculated this may be the origin, or a contributing factor to, foot fetishes. And why people like to have their toes sucked. (He has a phantom limb theory saying that there are 'backup' maps of everything that kinda overlaps where they end up when something's amputated... so you might have some natural crossover between the feet and genitals... or something. Damn it's late.) Anyway. The pertinant part of this is that women who had had mastectomies (no FTMs in the study... darn) felt nipple sensation when thier earlobes were touched, and also parts of the sternum and clavicle. It just made me think it's worth experimenting with if you lose nipple sensation after top surgery... that's all. All that, to make that tiny little point. But it was a pretty interesting book anyway.
So yeah. Life sucks, interesting book, ER still rocks, Dr. Ross still rocks, Turlough does too and so does Mark Strickson. Ha.