I'm posting an unusal amount, lately.
Considering I usually post about once a month, if that, this is crazy, posting twice in a day (though this is going to register as what I think of as tomorrow...) and multiple times in two weeks. Yikes.
Well, the pressure's on, now, since I have a new reader. :P You know who you are. Hullo! :)
Ooo, I'm also using smilies. This must be the end of the world as we know it. (And now I have that song stuck in my head. Greeeat.)
I HAD to post about Mark Strickson earlier. I mean, I'm still in "squee" mode, and that is SO uncharacteristic of me. And now I just wanted to get out in writing some of the stuff I dealt with in therapy today. So I don't forget, you know?
The big thing I realised today, was that I'm ready now, to transition. I actually said it, for the first time, and then realised what that meant. I've never said that before, even to myself, that I was ready, it's always been "when I'm ready" or "when I transition", not "I'm ready to do this now". In a sense, that's scary as hell, because there's a lot of crap ahead of me. But in a way, it's a relief, because I've just brought it more to the fore, as a plan, rather than a goal, I guess. I'm just not that scared about coming out at work anymore. The distance of having a summer off has made it seem easier to deal with dance, although that still scares me to death. I really don't think that'll go over real well, but I guess in a way, the distance has made it seem easier that if I HAD to give it up, I could. The biggest thing now, is my family. I mean, I had this feeling a couple weeks ago, where I really felt like I could deal with work, that I could really cope with coming out there. And then it hit me, I have to do the family first. I mean, it's ridiculous, the way I've been kind of living, to have one life outside and one at home. It would just be so much MORE so if I came out at work. I think part of what's exhausting me so much is that I'm living three separate lives right now. One with my mate, one at home, and one at work. It's HARD to remember what/who you're supposed to be, what name you answer to, how you have to behave. When I can get them all aligned, things will be SO much easier. It won't be easy, but a few years down the line, it'll be easier.
Lord knows once I have chest surgery, things will be easier. Although this whole wisdom tooth fiasco has made me wary of surgery, I keep reminding myself that I REALLY won't remember that surgery, cause it's not sedation, it's really full out anesthesia, and it CAN'T make me dizzy forever, cause it's nowhere NEAR my ears. However, it WILL probably take me out of commission for this long or longer, but it's way easier to forgive myself for needing to recover from something more tangible than dizzyness. I'm starting to think I might want to get a hysterectomy first... but it's probably better to do it second. I just get more than a little fed up with being... fertile.
And now, on a wholly different, totally TMI note, I am hairier now than I have been since before I started shaving my legs. I hate body hair, and would totally be removing it if it weren't for the fact that I suspect I'd look like I used a potato peeler instead of a razor if I had done it anytime in the last two weeks, thanks to my dizzyness. In a way, I am appreciating this newly more masculine look, and in a way, I can't wait to get rid of it because I hate that crawly feeling of the hairs moving around, and it makes me look, I dunno, dirty.
Now that I've way overshared, time for bed. I've already stayed up later than I have been.
One more day of recovery, then back to work. Ugh.
Well, the pressure's on, now, since I have a new reader. :P You know who you are. Hullo! :)
Ooo, I'm also using smilies. This must be the end of the world as we know it. (And now I have that song stuck in my head. Greeeat.)
I HAD to post about Mark Strickson earlier. I mean, I'm still in "squee" mode, and that is SO uncharacteristic of me. And now I just wanted to get out in writing some of the stuff I dealt with in therapy today. So I don't forget, you know?
The big thing I realised today, was that I'm ready now, to transition. I actually said it, for the first time, and then realised what that meant. I've never said that before, even to myself, that I was ready, it's always been "when I'm ready" or "when I transition", not "I'm ready to do this now". In a sense, that's scary as hell, because there's a lot of crap ahead of me. But in a way, it's a relief, because I've just brought it more to the fore, as a plan, rather than a goal, I guess. I'm just not that scared about coming out at work anymore. The distance of having a summer off has made it seem easier to deal with dance, although that still scares me to death. I really don't think that'll go over real well, but I guess in a way, the distance has made it seem easier that if I HAD to give it up, I could. The biggest thing now, is my family. I mean, I had this feeling a couple weeks ago, where I really felt like I could deal with work, that I could really cope with coming out there. And then it hit me, I have to do the family first. I mean, it's ridiculous, the way I've been kind of living, to have one life outside and one at home. It would just be so much MORE so if I came out at work. I think part of what's exhausting me so much is that I'm living three separate lives right now. One with my mate, one at home, and one at work. It's HARD to remember what/who you're supposed to be, what name you answer to, how you have to behave. When I can get them all aligned, things will be SO much easier. It won't be easy, but a few years down the line, it'll be easier.
Lord knows once I have chest surgery, things will be easier. Although this whole wisdom tooth fiasco has made me wary of surgery, I keep reminding myself that I REALLY won't remember that surgery, cause it's not sedation, it's really full out anesthesia, and it CAN'T make me dizzy forever, cause it's nowhere NEAR my ears. However, it WILL probably take me out of commission for this long or longer, but it's way easier to forgive myself for needing to recover from something more tangible than dizzyness. I'm starting to think I might want to get a hysterectomy first... but it's probably better to do it second. I just get more than a little fed up with being... fertile.
And now, on a wholly different, totally TMI note, I am hairier now than I have been since before I started shaving my legs. I hate body hair, and would totally be removing it if it weren't for the fact that I suspect I'd look like I used a potato peeler instead of a razor if I had done it anytime in the last two weeks, thanks to my dizzyness. In a way, I am appreciating this newly more masculine look, and in a way, I can't wait to get rid of it because I hate that crawly feeling of the hairs moving around, and it makes me look, I dunno, dirty.
Now that I've way overshared, time for bed. I've already stayed up later than I have been.
One more day of recovery, then back to work. Ugh.