without discretion
Today reminds me of a John Legend song because, well, "things they are a changin'." And as corny as that sounds, there really has been an ascension of a certain feeling in the air. My life has taken on a new tone...it's the same song but the music is a little different. And, although my surroundings have and will continue to change, what is most apparent to me is my change of perspective.
I am being moved to a different line of business at work and have recently been introduced to the new group I'll be working with. I am incredibly excited for fresh faces and new challenges. In the midst of the chaos I pause to answer a phone call from one of my favorite directors. He breaks from his usual jokes and bantering to tell me he will miss me and that I've done good by this place. When I hang up, my guilt reminds me that this is simply a means to an end. In a few short years I know I will be leaving this place to pursue something much bigger and more important. But, for now, I look back on the relationships I have built and suddenly become a little sentimental. It forces me to imagine the day that I will leave this city or possibly this country and I have to admit my heart hurt a little.
Why is it that whenever you leave a place you start to love it tremendously?
But that is not what I am here to talk about.
Several weeks ago I underwent a barrage of medical exams to diagnose chronic fatigue, an early morning collapse and subsequent dizzy spells. A brain scan, ultrasound, x-ray, and two drained and bruised arms later, what came back to me was a little piece of paper. It said that my thyroid was abnormally enlarged - a rare but possible sign of something malicious. Cancer. I held my composure for a good thirty minutes and then completely lost it. I felt absolutely ridiculous for even entertaining the thought but I don't think the feeling is comprehensible to others until they see those words in black and white addressed to themselves. At any rate, I got over the initial shock and decided that worry wasn't going to make anything go away and it sure as hell wasn't going to cure anything. In the weeks that followed, while I was waiting to hear from my doctor, I made a few major promises to myself. And although I'm sure their dire weight will fade along with the shock of all of this, these promises are helping to steer a project that was already in works. The creation of a new me.
First, I need to learn to relax - in all senses of the word. To spend an entire day, naps and companionship and three meals included, in bed. To adopt the C'est la vie way of life is the first step to conquering unrest and disappointment.
I need to learn to steady my mind and trust myself.
Buddhists coined the term perfectly: "monkey mind." As Elizabeth Gilbert put it (so eloquently) "thoughts swing from limb to limb stopping only to scratch themselves, spit and howl." My mind is in a constant state of confusion. This is my attempt to surrender to my subconscious. Intuition is simply the version of ourselves that already knows the answer. She - this other version of myself - is my best, my wisest, my most put-together friend. She is always there, begging and pleading for me to believe in the things she says. Shaking me by the shoulders and trying ferociously to speak louder than the bellows of society, obligation and worldly desires. My final promise to myself is that I will give her a voice. I will no longer operate under the strict environment so tyrannically governed by logic and self consciousness.
I will be beautiful and believe that I am beautiful. I will do the things that make me happy and nothing else. If it falls in to the categories of "I don't want to but I should," or "I don't have to but I feel obligated" then is it not a waste of time?
I promise to never let myself be consumed by fear of the unknown. Risk is a given. Rejection and failure are simply predecessors to happiness and success.
I promise to never lose my sense of freedom. I've got a lot of adventure in my heart and I want to see the world.
I will learn to let go of the person I once was (I am overcoming her), to love the person that I am (I am accepting her) and to never lose site of the person I want to be (I adore her). I promise myself that I will let my heart be seen and heard. I will try relentlessly to tear down the armor that once filled my chest. I used to think that one day someone would come along and tear it down for me. When in all other aspects of my life it would be more appropriate to say that I need to learn how to ask for help, this is one thing that I need to do completely on my own.
And most importantly - more than anything - I promise to embrace love no matter how clumsily I go about it. To let myself feel something for someone and to tell them without inhibition. Without fear of consequence. Without regard for tomorrow. I will let myself be loved for the sake of love. Truth needs no label or commitment or deadline. I will let the past, present and future be as they may. I will learn to let myself love so fully and so deeply that it shakes my foundations and tears me apart and rebirths me in my most perfect form.
I will simply love and let love in the most beautiful, natural, limitless way.
I still have a lot to overcome but I promise to always remember that I can conquer anything.
That I will conquer everything.
I am being moved to a different line of business at work and have recently been introduced to the new group I'll be working with. I am incredibly excited for fresh faces and new challenges. In the midst of the chaos I pause to answer a phone call from one of my favorite directors. He breaks from his usual jokes and bantering to tell me he will miss me and that I've done good by this place. When I hang up, my guilt reminds me that this is simply a means to an end. In a few short years I know I will be leaving this place to pursue something much bigger and more important. But, for now, I look back on the relationships I have built and suddenly become a little sentimental. It forces me to imagine the day that I will leave this city or possibly this country and I have to admit my heart hurt a little.
Why is it that whenever you leave a place you start to love it tremendously?
But that is not what I am here to talk about.
Several weeks ago I underwent a barrage of medical exams to diagnose chronic fatigue, an early morning collapse and subsequent dizzy spells. A brain scan, ultrasound, x-ray, and two drained and bruised arms later, what came back to me was a little piece of paper. It said that my thyroid was abnormally enlarged - a rare but possible sign of something malicious. Cancer. I held my composure for a good thirty minutes and then completely lost it. I felt absolutely ridiculous for even entertaining the thought but I don't think the feeling is comprehensible to others until they see those words in black and white addressed to themselves. At any rate, I got over the initial shock and decided that worry wasn't going to make anything go away and it sure as hell wasn't going to cure anything. In the weeks that followed, while I was waiting to hear from my doctor, I made a few major promises to myself. And although I'm sure their dire weight will fade along with the shock of all of this, these promises are helping to steer a project that was already in works. The creation of a new me.
First, I need to learn to relax - in all senses of the word. To spend an entire day, naps and companionship and three meals included, in bed. To adopt the C'est la vie way of life is the first step to conquering unrest and disappointment.
I need to learn to steady my mind and trust myself.
Buddhists coined the term perfectly: "monkey mind." As Elizabeth Gilbert put it (so eloquently) "thoughts swing from limb to limb stopping only to scratch themselves, spit and howl." My mind is in a constant state of confusion. This is my attempt to surrender to my subconscious. Intuition is simply the version of ourselves that already knows the answer. She - this other version of myself - is my best, my wisest, my most put-together friend. She is always there, begging and pleading for me to believe in the things she says. Shaking me by the shoulders and trying ferociously to speak louder than the bellows of society, obligation and worldly desires. My final promise to myself is that I will give her a voice. I will no longer operate under the strict environment so tyrannically governed by logic and self consciousness.
I will be beautiful and believe that I am beautiful. I will do the things that make me happy and nothing else. If it falls in to the categories of "I don't want to but I should," or "I don't have to but I feel obligated" then is it not a waste of time?
I promise to never let myself be consumed by fear of the unknown. Risk is a given. Rejection and failure are simply predecessors to happiness and success.
I promise to never lose my sense of freedom. I've got a lot of adventure in my heart and I want to see the world.
I will learn to let go of the person I once was (I am overcoming her), to love the person that I am (I am accepting her) and to never lose site of the person I want to be (I adore her). I promise myself that I will let my heart be seen and heard. I will try relentlessly to tear down the armor that once filled my chest. I used to think that one day someone would come along and tear it down for me. When in all other aspects of my life it would be more appropriate to say that I need to learn how to ask for help, this is one thing that I need to do completely on my own.
And most importantly - more than anything - I promise to embrace love no matter how clumsily I go about it. To let myself feel something for someone and to tell them without inhibition. Without fear of consequence. Without regard for tomorrow. I will let myself be loved for the sake of love. Truth needs no label or commitment or deadline. I will let the past, present and future be as they may. I will learn to let myself love so fully and so deeply that it shakes my foundations and tears me apart and rebirths me in my most perfect form.
I will simply love and let love in the most beautiful, natural, limitless way.
I still have a lot to overcome but I promise to always remember that I can conquer anything.
That I will conquer everything.