KohtaxJun #14cold
Title: upset
Author:
negiyou
Theme: #14 cold
Rating: G
Pairing: KohtaxJun
Band[s]: Pierrot
Disclaimer: the idea is mine, the rest isn't
Comments: not betaed, as always.
oni_sama picked the theme. Senseless... KiritoxJun in the beginning and lots! of brotherly love.
upset
It didn’t upset me, when I found out that my brother was gay.
What really upset me was how I found out.
Some months ago, he introduced his best friend to me. He never talks about his friends, he sometimes mentionend his bandmembers, but he never goes into detail there.
That’s why I wasn’t preparedthe least when I came home after a long tiring schoolday, to what awaited me.
He was sitting in the small kitchen of the tiny apartment we shared since he left home to study in the city and I really wasn’t keen on staying at home with my mother, smoking cheap cigarettes and talking non-stop to another person sitting in front of him.
Long shiny brownish hair, flawless porcelan skin, perfect shaped lips, beautiful chocolate eyes…
I don’t believe in love at first sight, but when I first saw this person my brother was talking to, I was ready to fall onto my knees and sing one of those tacky lovesongs, a rose in hand and my heart on a silver plate.
Staring at this thing of beauty, I was at a total lack of words, There was just one thought crossing my mind and repeating itself over and over again: ‘please don’t let this be my brother’s new girlfriend’
Shinya is the only person in this world I’d never ever even try to snatch a lover from.
While I was busy doing simply nothing more than standing there, mouth wide open, eyes nearly popping out of my head, my dear brother started giggling, a sound I didn’t hear in quite a while.
“Kohta-kun, you’re staring as if that was an Alien sitting here…”
His mocking grin should have told me there was something going on. But I was too transfixed by this beautiful girl to notice something. I managed to force my mouth to produce something that sounded a little like words, but I’m not sure what I said. Must have been something close to “Hi… me… Kohta…”, because this personification of a Goddess looked at me and started smiling.
I’m still shivering when I think of this smile.
I was close to collapse and just die a heavenly death right on the spot. Either that, or I’d just grab this girl, throw her onto the table and do her right there, even with my big brother watching.
And then, it happened.
Rosebud lips parted and she talked to me - in a gentle but low voice.
“Hi! I’m Jun’ichi, nice to meet you!”
Shinya, that damn bastard, burst out laughing.
He knew, he always could read my mind, and I guess the way I sure must have looked just seconds ago must have been enough to tell what I was thinking when I stared at Jun’ichi.
My desire to screw ‘her’ nearly completely vanished, but this fascination I felt towards him didn’t leave me a bit.
Quite the contrary…
I wasn’t able to do my homework, neither did I manage to learn for the upcomming exams, I didn’t even practise bass ar called my friends to plan the next party.
I just sat there, in the small bedroom I shared with my brother and stared at the opposite wall, where my Aniki put some posters of bands I still don’t know.
How long I’ve been sitting there, I don’t know.
I fell asleep on the floor, somewhere in the middle of the mess we both call our private space. When I woke up hours later, a serious headache had build, either from the funny way my head had been pillowed on my schoolbag or because of the million Jun’ichi filled thoughts punishing and torturing my brain even in my sleep, I didn’t know.
It was already dark outside, the old trashy alarmclock on the small messy desk showed 1:29am.
I didn’t pay too much attention to Aniki’s empty bed, he sometimes slept in the small chamber we called our living room, when he came home much later than me and didn’t want to wake me up, or after one of our regular fights.
Tired, I dragged myself out of the bedroom, I needed a painkiller and some water.
A soft noise from the livingroom caught my attention… a rustle, a hitched breath… did he have a nightmare? Was he in pain? Was he crying?
Knowing him, I should have known better.
Slowly I neared the small chamber, pushed the thin curtain we used as a door aside…
It didn’t upset me that he was naked.
It didn’t even upset me that he was fucking another man.
What really upset me was the perfect, beautiful body beneath my brother’s… eyes closed, lips parted in a breathless gasp, long brownish hair clinging to a slightly damp forehead…
I fled from the apartment, I didn’t even grab my jacket or my keys.
Running, just running down the street, running running.
The image burned into my brain, my heart even…
It hurt, it really hurt.
Hours passed, I wandered though the city in a daze, not caring where my feet carried me. My mind was a home for chaos now, I didn’t even know what I was thinking, everything mixed into a disturbing blurr of memories and dislocated feelings I didn’t understand.
When the cold night gave in to a rainy morning, I was at the other side of the city.
Absendminded, I called my school to excuse me, I’m sick, won’t come today, all that stuff. Normally I didn’t give a damn, I skipped class more than once already.
The money I still had in my pocket was enough to afford a busride back home, I was much too tired to walk the whole way.
By the time I arrived, my mind slowly started working again.
I left the keys at home, how the hell should I open the door now? Aniki was at university now, so that meant I’d have to ask our old landlord if she could open the door for me.
But the white wooden door to our apartment was open, a folded newspaper pushed between door and frame to keep it from closing on its own.
A harsh flash of guilt stuck me when I stepped into the small kitchen.
Shinya was sitting there, two empty cigaretteboxes lying on the table, the ashtray way beyond full.
Tired eyes slowly looked up to meet my gaze.
“Aniki…”
He stood up, slowly, walked the few steps towards me, rose his fist and slammed it into my face, hard.
He watched as I covered my bloody mouth with my hands, his cold gaze pinning me to the wall.
"Where have you been?"
He didn't expect an explanation, he wanted me to apologize.
But I was angry at him, I didn't know why, but I wanted to bitch around, to fight, to hit him.
"As if you'd care... I bet you just realised I've been gone because nobody was here this morning to put up with your mood! You were much too busy screwing that faggot all night anyway!"
I knew I picked the right words to really hurt him. He always cared for me, even if he tried his best not to let it show.
But the raging fit I tried to provoke didn’t follow.
He blinked, sighed and reached out his hand to help me up again. I didn’t take it though, and I know that really hurt him.
“I see…”
Slowly, he sat down beside me, lit a cig and affered one to me.
I never smoked before.
“True, I don’t like boobs. That okay with you?”
Had I said ‘no’, he sure as hell yould have made absolutely sure to never ever let something like last night happen again. He’d hide his lovers from me for the rest of my life.
“I don’t mind… whatever floats your boat.”
A slow nod, a long drag on a cigarett, a calm exhale of blueish smoke, rising elegantly into the cold air. Somewhere within this stretching silence, my brain managed to sort out all those thoughts and doubts that haunted me.
The calm silence my brother transmitted soothed me, and after some comfortable minutes, I caught myself relaxing and leaning against his shoulder. I never was a bodycontact type of person, but somehow I needed it right then.
When my cheek touched his shoulder, he flinched.
The feeling of his cold skin against mine made me realize it, too… my skin was much too warm, the unpleasent feeling of a fever rising washed over me, the dampness on my forehead as sticky as my sweaty hands, gripping the poor cig tightly.
“Next time you decide to dash off like a soap-opera main character, make sure to take your coat or at least an umbrella, baka.”
“Next time you decide to ram a guy, make sure you’re not as loud as a porn main character.”
“Is this really aout me screwing a guy? Or about me screwing this guy?”
“I don’t know…”
My favorite answer to every question whatsoever concerning my feelings.
“Yes you do.”
His favorite answer to my favorite answer, forcing me to surrender. He is too much of a damn good spell binder to win a discussion against him.
“I know it’s because of this guy, bur I don’t know why…”
“No. You just don’t want to admit.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh come on, you do. I know that look you had on your stupid face, you wanted to jump his bones when you first saw him yesterday.”
“That was just because I thought he was a girl…”
“So what? You can still fuck him, believe me.”
“He’s with you…”
When I come to think of it, it’s strange. I didn’t even try to deny.
But on the other hand, it wouldn’t have made sense anyway.
Aniki knew he was right, no chance to convince him, I wasn’t even convinced myself.
“So what? He doesn’t love me, I don’t love him. He’s just a good, quick fuck.”
Anger boiling up, I stared at him.
“That’s what you see in him? Just a quick fuck? You’re such an asshole, he deserves much better than that!”
The knowing smile spreading on his face confused me.
“You don’t even know him, and still you defend him?”
He stood up and reached out his hand, this time, I took it and let him help me up.
“Go to bed, Otouto, you’ve catched a cold. I’ll make you some tea, and then we’ll talk about this, okay?”
We talked a lot that day, about him and his affairs with several men, about me and my troubled mind, about sex…
We didn’t talk about Jun’ichi. Not a single word. I knew if I asked Shinya about him, he’d probably tell me everything I wanted to know, but I wanted to learn anything about him on my own.
He knew… Aniki knew, that’s why we didn’t talk about him, and that’s why he invited him over that evening, simply because he knew about Juns tendency to fuss about ill people. He just came into our bedroom, sat down beside my bed and started babbling, all the wihle taking care of me, making sure I’d drink my tea before it got cold.
Aniki knew I wasn’t that sick, but he still invited Jun’ichi over, day after day, ten days straight. And he visited me every time my brother called him, he even made dinner for the three of us. We spend hours talking, playing playstation, listening to some CDs he brought.
I just know him for a few months now, but it feels as if I’d known him for a lifetime. I don’t deny my feelings towards him, I know I have a serious crush on him, maybe even more…
He’s still with Aniki.
But he won’t be for too long…
I’ll make sure to get him, to make him mine soon.
And today I’ll take the first step.
Today, it’s my first day as a member of Aniki’s band, wo calls himself Kirito now. Right after practise, I’ll ask Jun out.
I will snatch him from my brother.
Author:
negiyou
Theme: #14 cold
Rating: G
Pairing: KohtaxJun
Band[s]: Pierrot
Disclaimer: the idea is mine, the rest isn't
Comments: not betaed, as always.
oni_sama picked the theme. Senseless... KiritoxJun in the beginning and lots! of brotherly love.
upset
It didn’t upset me, when I found out that my brother was gay.
What really upset me was how I found out.
Some months ago, he introduced his best friend to me. He never talks about his friends, he sometimes mentionend his bandmembers, but he never goes into detail there.
That’s why I wasn’t preparedthe least when I came home after a long tiring schoolday, to what awaited me.
He was sitting in the small kitchen of the tiny apartment we shared since he left home to study in the city and I really wasn’t keen on staying at home with my mother, smoking cheap cigarettes and talking non-stop to another person sitting in front of him.
Long shiny brownish hair, flawless porcelan skin, perfect shaped lips, beautiful chocolate eyes…
I don’t believe in love at first sight, but when I first saw this person my brother was talking to, I was ready to fall onto my knees and sing one of those tacky lovesongs, a rose in hand and my heart on a silver plate.
Staring at this thing of beauty, I was at a total lack of words, There was just one thought crossing my mind and repeating itself over and over again: ‘please don’t let this be my brother’s new girlfriend’
Shinya is the only person in this world I’d never ever even try to snatch a lover from.
While I was busy doing simply nothing more than standing there, mouth wide open, eyes nearly popping out of my head, my dear brother started giggling, a sound I didn’t hear in quite a while.
“Kohta-kun, you’re staring as if that was an Alien sitting here…”
His mocking grin should have told me there was something going on. But I was too transfixed by this beautiful girl to notice something. I managed to force my mouth to produce something that sounded a little like words, but I’m not sure what I said. Must have been something close to “Hi… me… Kohta…”, because this personification of a Goddess looked at me and started smiling.
I’m still shivering when I think of this smile.
I was close to collapse and just die a heavenly death right on the spot. Either that, or I’d just grab this girl, throw her onto the table and do her right there, even with my big brother watching.
And then, it happened.
Rosebud lips parted and she talked to me - in a gentle but low voice.
“Hi! I’m Jun’ichi, nice to meet you!”
Shinya, that damn bastard, burst out laughing.
He knew, he always could read my mind, and I guess the way I sure must have looked just seconds ago must have been enough to tell what I was thinking when I stared at Jun’ichi.
My desire to screw ‘her’ nearly completely vanished, but this fascination I felt towards him didn’t leave me a bit.
Quite the contrary…
I wasn’t able to do my homework, neither did I manage to learn for the upcomming exams, I didn’t even practise bass ar called my friends to plan the next party.
I just sat there, in the small bedroom I shared with my brother and stared at the opposite wall, where my Aniki put some posters of bands I still don’t know.
How long I’ve been sitting there, I don’t know.
I fell asleep on the floor, somewhere in the middle of the mess we both call our private space. When I woke up hours later, a serious headache had build, either from the funny way my head had been pillowed on my schoolbag or because of the million Jun’ichi filled thoughts punishing and torturing my brain even in my sleep, I didn’t know.
It was already dark outside, the old trashy alarmclock on the small messy desk showed 1:29am.
I didn’t pay too much attention to Aniki’s empty bed, he sometimes slept in the small chamber we called our living room, when he came home much later than me and didn’t want to wake me up, or after one of our regular fights.
Tired, I dragged myself out of the bedroom, I needed a painkiller and some water.
A soft noise from the livingroom caught my attention… a rustle, a hitched breath… did he have a nightmare? Was he in pain? Was he crying?
Knowing him, I should have known better.
Slowly I neared the small chamber, pushed the thin curtain we used as a door aside…
It didn’t upset me that he was naked.
It didn’t even upset me that he was fucking another man.
What really upset me was the perfect, beautiful body beneath my brother’s… eyes closed, lips parted in a breathless gasp, long brownish hair clinging to a slightly damp forehead…
I fled from the apartment, I didn’t even grab my jacket or my keys.
Running, just running down the street, running running.
The image burned into my brain, my heart even…
It hurt, it really hurt.
Hours passed, I wandered though the city in a daze, not caring where my feet carried me. My mind was a home for chaos now, I didn’t even know what I was thinking, everything mixed into a disturbing blurr of memories and dislocated feelings I didn’t understand.
When the cold night gave in to a rainy morning, I was at the other side of the city.
Absendminded, I called my school to excuse me, I’m sick, won’t come today, all that stuff. Normally I didn’t give a damn, I skipped class more than once already.
The money I still had in my pocket was enough to afford a busride back home, I was much too tired to walk the whole way.
By the time I arrived, my mind slowly started working again.
I left the keys at home, how the hell should I open the door now? Aniki was at university now, so that meant I’d have to ask our old landlord if she could open the door for me.
But the white wooden door to our apartment was open, a folded newspaper pushed between door and frame to keep it from closing on its own.
A harsh flash of guilt stuck me when I stepped into the small kitchen.
Shinya was sitting there, two empty cigaretteboxes lying on the table, the ashtray way beyond full.
Tired eyes slowly looked up to meet my gaze.
“Aniki…”
He stood up, slowly, walked the few steps towards me, rose his fist and slammed it into my face, hard.
He watched as I covered my bloody mouth with my hands, his cold gaze pinning me to the wall.
"Where have you been?"
He didn't expect an explanation, he wanted me to apologize.
But I was angry at him, I didn't know why, but I wanted to bitch around, to fight, to hit him.
"As if you'd care... I bet you just realised I've been gone because nobody was here this morning to put up with your mood! You were much too busy screwing that faggot all night anyway!"
I knew I picked the right words to really hurt him. He always cared for me, even if he tried his best not to let it show.
But the raging fit I tried to provoke didn’t follow.
He blinked, sighed and reached out his hand to help me up again. I didn’t take it though, and I know that really hurt him.
“I see…”
Slowly, he sat down beside me, lit a cig and affered one to me.
I never smoked before.
“True, I don’t like boobs. That okay with you?”
Had I said ‘no’, he sure as hell yould have made absolutely sure to never ever let something like last night happen again. He’d hide his lovers from me for the rest of my life.
“I don’t mind… whatever floats your boat.”
A slow nod, a long drag on a cigarett, a calm exhale of blueish smoke, rising elegantly into the cold air. Somewhere within this stretching silence, my brain managed to sort out all those thoughts and doubts that haunted me.
The calm silence my brother transmitted soothed me, and after some comfortable minutes, I caught myself relaxing and leaning against his shoulder. I never was a bodycontact type of person, but somehow I needed it right then.
When my cheek touched his shoulder, he flinched.
The feeling of his cold skin against mine made me realize it, too… my skin was much too warm, the unpleasent feeling of a fever rising washed over me, the dampness on my forehead as sticky as my sweaty hands, gripping the poor cig tightly.
“Next time you decide to dash off like a soap-opera main character, make sure to take your coat or at least an umbrella, baka.”
“Next time you decide to ram a guy, make sure you’re not as loud as a porn main character.”
“Is this really aout me screwing a guy? Or about me screwing this guy?”
“I don’t know…”
My favorite answer to every question whatsoever concerning my feelings.
“Yes you do.”
His favorite answer to my favorite answer, forcing me to surrender. He is too much of a damn good spell binder to win a discussion against him.
“I know it’s because of this guy, bur I don’t know why…”
“No. You just don’t want to admit.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh come on, you do. I know that look you had on your stupid face, you wanted to jump his bones when you first saw him yesterday.”
“That was just because I thought he was a girl…”
“So what? You can still fuck him, believe me.”
“He’s with you…”
When I come to think of it, it’s strange. I didn’t even try to deny.
But on the other hand, it wouldn’t have made sense anyway.
Aniki knew he was right, no chance to convince him, I wasn’t even convinced myself.
“So what? He doesn’t love me, I don’t love him. He’s just a good, quick fuck.”
Anger boiling up, I stared at him.
“That’s what you see in him? Just a quick fuck? You’re such an asshole, he deserves much better than that!”
The knowing smile spreading on his face confused me.
“You don’t even know him, and still you defend him?”
He stood up and reached out his hand, this time, I took it and let him help me up.
“Go to bed, Otouto, you’ve catched a cold. I’ll make you some tea, and then we’ll talk about this, okay?”
We talked a lot that day, about him and his affairs with several men, about me and my troubled mind, about sex…
We didn’t talk about Jun’ichi. Not a single word. I knew if I asked Shinya about him, he’d probably tell me everything I wanted to know, but I wanted to learn anything about him on my own.
He knew… Aniki knew, that’s why we didn’t talk about him, and that’s why he invited him over that evening, simply because he knew about Juns tendency to fuss about ill people. He just came into our bedroom, sat down beside my bed and started babbling, all the wihle taking care of me, making sure I’d drink my tea before it got cold.
Aniki knew I wasn’t that sick, but he still invited Jun’ichi over, day after day, ten days straight. And he visited me every time my brother called him, he even made dinner for the three of us. We spend hours talking, playing playstation, listening to some CDs he brought.
I just know him for a few months now, but it feels as if I’d known him for a lifetime. I don’t deny my feelings towards him, I know I have a serious crush on him, maybe even more…
He’s still with Aniki.
But he won’t be for too long…
I’ll make sure to get him, to make him mine soon.
And today I’ll take the first step.
Today, it’s my first day as a member of Aniki’s band, wo calls himself Kirito now. Right after practise, I’ll ask Jun out.
I will snatch him from my brother.