Claim: Press Gang (Kenny Phillips) - #23 Aches and Pains, Table 5
Title: Next Contestant, Please (or Five Times Lynda Fired People For Not Being Kenny)
Author: lost_spook
Claim: Kenny Phillips
Prompt: #23 Aches & Pains
Fandom: Press Gang
Rating: All ages
Word Count: 638
Summary: Finding someone to replace the assistant editor is tough work, especially if you’re Lynda Day.
Notes/Warnings: Mild spoilers for S4.
***
Sarah: “Do you really think it’s reasonable to keep punishing people for not being Kenny? […] We’re going to need to find someone who can stand sitting here, which isn’t an easy trick.”
Lynda: “Have we tried everyone?”
Sarah: “Everyone who was willing.”
Lynda: “That didn’t seem to take long.”
(Bad News, S4)
*
One: Graham
[Four days and three hours]
“How could I know she wanted the Fairway article?” Graham complained to Frazz, who was oblivious, as ever. “She said it was a no-go last week. So I said, did she expect me to be a mind reader -?”
Frazz lowered his paper at that suicidal announcement. “And you’re still walking about and talking? That’s amazing.”
“She said, yes, since I asked. Then she said she expected me to have a mind to start with. Frazz, you do the horoscopes, right?”
Frazz nodded, although he looked wary now he was being asked for input.
“Couldn’t you have warned me?”
“What, that sitting at that desk was a bad idea?” said Frazz. “Sorry, but she’s right. Did you even have a brain to start with?”
*
Two: Kate
[Five minutes]
“No, Sarah.”
“Lynda, she’s willing to give it a go.”
“Sarah, she’s running graphics now Sam’s gone. She can’t be spared. Anyway, I’m not having anyone from graphics sitting there. I need somebody with a brain cell, or at least who can still spell decently without one.”
“Lynda -.”
“No!”
*
Three: Jessica
[Two days, 45 minutes]
“Why are there flowers on my desk?”
Jessica, who had become assistant editor by default of being too new not to realise it was only the act of a particularly suicidal lemming, trembled. “I thought… you might like them?”
“I don’t like things cluttering up my desk unless they’re there to be useful. Get rid of them before I make you eat them!”
*
Sarah sighed as she knocked on the toilet door, the sign having been flipped to ‘female’ - it had been that way for three hours now, although the sound of sobbing had died down. “Jessica? You okay? Look, you can come out now - Lynda’s gone.”
*
Four: Ian
[One hour]
“Don’t you think you were a bit harsh?” asked Sarah.
Lynda shrugged. “What part of ‘salute again, and I’ll fire you’ is that difficult to understand?”
*
Five: Geoff
[Six days]
“Sarah, where is Geoff?”
Sarah, sitting at her typewriter, looked up at Lynda. “In the hospital. Remember me calling the ambulance?”
“Hospital?” Lynda wrinkled her forehead. “Oh, yes, there was an ambulance. Parked right in front of the doors - I was going to complain if they didn’t move it.”
“Well, they think he didn’t actually break anything, but they’re keeping him in for observation. They think he might have concussion.”
“I didn’t touch him,” said Lynda, folding her arms. “What’s the use of someone who can’t sit in a chair without getting taken off to casualty?”
“You were issuing death threats. It’s not surprising he panicked.”
“Well, I want somebody else here now. What about Justin? He might do.”
“If you mean Julian, I’ll go and ask.”
*
And the one that got away: Kenny
“How’s my replacement doing?” Kenny asked, on the other end of the phone, and the other side of the world. “Remember what I told you, and try not to kill anyone, Lynda.”
Lynda banged the receiver down on the desk. “Did you hear that, Kenny? That was what I would do to you, if you were here. And, for your information, and everyone else’s, I am not impossible to work with, nor am I a monomaniac, a megalomaniac, or a workaholic, and I am not obsessed or unreasonable!”
“Lynda-.”
“And I certainly don’t miss you - or Spike!”
She could hear Kenny smiling, and she was tempted to hit to the phone again, or cut him off before he had a chance to state the obvious. Too late: “Lynda,” Kenny said, “did you just hiccup?”
“Damn!” Lynda slammed the phone down, contemplating sending something unpleasant to Australia via airmail, or creating a minor catastrophe to get him back.
Then she took a deep breath, and got up to find Sarah. “So… what about Julian?”
***
Author: lost_spook
Claim: Kenny Phillips
Prompt: #23 Aches & Pains
Fandom: Press Gang
Rating: All ages
Word Count: 638
Summary: Finding someone to replace the assistant editor is tough work, especially if you’re Lynda Day.
Notes/Warnings: Mild spoilers for S4.
***
Sarah: “Do you really think it’s reasonable to keep punishing people for not being Kenny? […] We’re going to need to find someone who can stand sitting here, which isn’t an easy trick.”
Lynda: “Have we tried everyone?”
Sarah: “Everyone who was willing.”
Lynda: “That didn’t seem to take long.”
(Bad News, S4)
*
One: Graham
[Four days and three hours]
“How could I know she wanted the Fairway article?” Graham complained to Frazz, who was oblivious, as ever. “She said it was a no-go last week. So I said, did she expect me to be a mind reader -?”
Frazz lowered his paper at that suicidal announcement. “And you’re still walking about and talking? That’s amazing.”
“She said, yes, since I asked. Then she said she expected me to have a mind to start with. Frazz, you do the horoscopes, right?”
Frazz nodded, although he looked wary now he was being asked for input.
“Couldn’t you have warned me?”
“What, that sitting at that desk was a bad idea?” said Frazz. “Sorry, but she’s right. Did you even have a brain to start with?”
*
Two: Kate
[Five minutes]
“No, Sarah.”
“Lynda, she’s willing to give it a go.”
“Sarah, she’s running graphics now Sam’s gone. She can’t be spared. Anyway, I’m not having anyone from graphics sitting there. I need somebody with a brain cell, or at least who can still spell decently without one.”
“Lynda -.”
“No!”
*
Three: Jessica
[Two days, 45 minutes]
“Why are there flowers on my desk?”
Jessica, who had become assistant editor by default of being too new not to realise it was only the act of a particularly suicidal lemming, trembled. “I thought… you might like them?”
“I don’t like things cluttering up my desk unless they’re there to be useful. Get rid of them before I make you eat them!”
*
Sarah sighed as she knocked on the toilet door, the sign having been flipped to ‘female’ - it had been that way for three hours now, although the sound of sobbing had died down. “Jessica? You okay? Look, you can come out now - Lynda’s gone.”
*
Four: Ian
[One hour]
“Don’t you think you were a bit harsh?” asked Sarah.
Lynda shrugged. “What part of ‘salute again, and I’ll fire you’ is that difficult to understand?”
*
Five: Geoff
[Six days]
“Sarah, where is Geoff?”
Sarah, sitting at her typewriter, looked up at Lynda. “In the hospital. Remember me calling the ambulance?”
“Hospital?” Lynda wrinkled her forehead. “Oh, yes, there was an ambulance. Parked right in front of the doors - I was going to complain if they didn’t move it.”
“Well, they think he didn’t actually break anything, but they’re keeping him in for observation. They think he might have concussion.”
“I didn’t touch him,” said Lynda, folding her arms. “What’s the use of someone who can’t sit in a chair without getting taken off to casualty?”
“You were issuing death threats. It’s not surprising he panicked.”
“Well, I want somebody else here now. What about Justin? He might do.”
“If you mean Julian, I’ll go and ask.”
*
And the one that got away: Kenny
“How’s my replacement doing?” Kenny asked, on the other end of the phone, and the other side of the world. “Remember what I told you, and try not to kill anyone, Lynda.”
Lynda banged the receiver down on the desk. “Did you hear that, Kenny? That was what I would do to you, if you were here. And, for your information, and everyone else’s, I am not impossible to work with, nor am I a monomaniac, a megalomaniac, or a workaholic, and I am not obsessed or unreasonable!”
“Lynda-.”
“And I certainly don’t miss you - or Spike!”
She could hear Kenny smiling, and she was tempted to hit to the phone again, or cut him off before he had a chance to state the obvious. Too late: “Lynda,” Kenny said, “did you just hiccup?”
“Damn!” Lynda slammed the phone down, contemplating sending something unpleasant to Australia via airmail, or creating a minor catastrophe to get him back.
Then she took a deep breath, and got up to find Sarah. “So… what about Julian?”
***