4. Thich Nhat Hanh, Teachings on Love
I've read several of Thich Nhat Hanh's books, and I definitely think he has the right idea. I'm not a Buddhist, but I share some of the ideals of Buddhism, and I've found these books helpful in figuring out how to put the ideals into practice, particularly in managing anger and unkind impulses. I like that there are concrete suggestions for ways of dealing with specific situations.
Unfortunately, that is where this particular book fell down for me. It has a lot of good ideas about how to handle relationships with your family, spouse, friends, and "enemies", and I think they're right on. But they seem to all assume two situations: Either you're dealing with people who aren't abusing you, or the abuse happened in the past and you're trying to make peace with it.
Where is the chapter on how to peacefully extricate yourself from a situation where you are currently being abused? For me this was a huge elephant in the room and it lessened my enjoyment of the book. He makes the point that sometimes people get divorced not because of the other person, but because they are doing something wrong that's preventing love from taking root, which will follow them into their next relationship. True enough, but what about the person who gets divorced because their spouse is beating them and threatening their life?
It could be that I'm missing the point and drawing a distinction that he doesn't buy into (it's a distinction I wish I didn't have to make, believe me), or he thought the answers to these questions were obvious. But if that's the case, I would have liked a clear explanation of it.
The other major issue I had was the emphasis on connections to blood relatives. He almost won me over by explaining that your parents and other ancestors contributed *something* to your existence even if you didn't know them or they didn't do anything else for you, and that deserves respect and love -- fair enough -- but as a queer person who grew up always being a part of the queer community, I don't know... We spend a lot of time and emotional effort affirming that your family is your family of choice, not necessarily your family of blood. I appreciate the different perspective, but I'm skeptical. If we are one world, if our existence is dependent on every other person, as is described in this book, then why make note of blood relationships at all? Surely in that worldview I am as "related" to my friends as I am to my blood relatives.
On the other hand, I agreed with some parts that I know would make others balk. He encourages people not to forget their religious and cultural roots, even if they are currently practicing Buddhism or no religion at all. Those traditions shaped and comforted our ancestors, even if we no longer practice them.
I would go even further. Our roots aren't just our ethnic and religious roots. My ancestors were Christian and Jewish. But my roots also go back to Stonewall, and they also go back to the first fans who published zines. There is no sense in which I am an island, regardless of how I may disagree with things people in my culture -- cultures -- do.
Overall this short book was a mixed bag for me. If you're interested in the author I'd start with a different book, maybe Anger.
(eta tags: a: nhat hanh thich [not sure if this is the correct order of names], vietnamese, buddhism)
Unfortunately, that is where this particular book fell down for me. It has a lot of good ideas about how to handle relationships with your family, spouse, friends, and "enemies", and I think they're right on. But they seem to all assume two situations: Either you're dealing with people who aren't abusing you, or the abuse happened in the past and you're trying to make peace with it.
Where is the chapter on how to peacefully extricate yourself from a situation where you are currently being abused? For me this was a huge elephant in the room and it lessened my enjoyment of the book. He makes the point that sometimes people get divorced not because of the other person, but because they are doing something wrong that's preventing love from taking root, which will follow them into their next relationship. True enough, but what about the person who gets divorced because their spouse is beating them and threatening their life?
It could be that I'm missing the point and drawing a distinction that he doesn't buy into (it's a distinction I wish I didn't have to make, believe me), or he thought the answers to these questions were obvious. But if that's the case, I would have liked a clear explanation of it.
The other major issue I had was the emphasis on connections to blood relatives. He almost won me over by explaining that your parents and other ancestors contributed *something* to your existence even if you didn't know them or they didn't do anything else for you, and that deserves respect and love -- fair enough -- but as a queer person who grew up always being a part of the queer community, I don't know... We spend a lot of time and emotional effort affirming that your family is your family of choice, not necessarily your family of blood. I appreciate the different perspective, but I'm skeptical. If we are one world, if our existence is dependent on every other person, as is described in this book, then why make note of blood relationships at all? Surely in that worldview I am as "related" to my friends as I am to my blood relatives.
On the other hand, I agreed with some parts that I know would make others balk. He encourages people not to forget their religious and cultural roots, even if they are currently practicing Buddhism or no religion at all. Those traditions shaped and comforted our ancestors, even if we no longer practice them.
I would go even further. Our roots aren't just our ethnic and religious roots. My ancestors were Christian and Jewish. But my roots also go back to Stonewall, and they also go back to the first fans who published zines. There is no sense in which I am an island, regardless of how I may disagree with things people in my culture -- cultures -- do.
Overall this short book was a mixed bag for me. If you're interested in the author I'd start with a different book, maybe Anger.
(eta tags: a: nhat hanh thich [not sure if this is the correct order of names], vietnamese, buddhism)