(no subject)
Sorry I haven't updated in a while it's been a long time coming..... School has been kicking my ass lately but at least I'm not failing, so that's all good. I promise I'll try to stay more active but I'm not really promising anything at all.
SITUATION NUMBER 1
While I was out of the online world, a incident with a friend totally socked and confused me. I'm not going to tell you who it is, and what happened but, when I found out I was just totally shocked and mostly hurt. When I first found out I brushed it off, but on the inside- damn. Words can just not explain. I had another friend in the same place last year and I just don't want to go through that and have those feelings again y'know? It just scares the shit out of me to know there's a chance your friend could die and there's nothing you could do about it.
So I guess my defense mechanism was to push them away. If they weren't my friend and they did go through with their intentions it wouldn't hurt me as much would it? Stpud logic but for whatever reason I listened and gave the cold shoulder to them when they probally needed me the most. Am I sick for caring about my personal welfare or am I just scared to see someone close to me get hurt again? I don't know what to do, I mean I'm stuck under here and I'm drowning.
SITUATION 2
Okay so I have a friend right and I mean we're close as can be but when I get around them I just start to act like a jackass to everyone and afterwards I'm like what the hell was I thinking? How stupid and immature was that?! I mean sure, we have our serious moments but when all of us get together we just turn into these crazed idiots who seriously need Ridalin.
There's this one girl though. This one girl that was always pick on and make fun of. How shallow am I? How can I sit here and say "oh that's not right yada yada" when I'm just doing the same thing right after? At first I'm all like oh it's not that bad we're just playing and she'll get over it, but when I stop to think would I like that if that was me? Would I like if someone put pencil shavings in my hair? Would I like it if someone just went out of their way to fuck with me? Would I like it if someone just wouldn't give me a break and let me be? Hell no I wouldn't like it. I'd probally end up like my friend in SITUATION 1. I'm a jackass and I know it. Now what do I do now to fix it?
SITUATION 3
So I finally started going back to church. I don't know what's been keeping me from there for the past month or so. I guess it's the fact that my conscience is so weighted with faults I just couldn't bear the fact of someone else judging me also. I know some people don't think that that's the issue in church but when I walk into like a church church, not a youth church but a church church I suddenly feel like everyone's just poking fun at me and calling out on me. "You're going to hell you're going to hell" like there's no way to turn back now and become a good person. It's all over for me.
When the pastor talks it always feels like he's raggin' right down on you, and personally yeah I know that he's talking to everybody in there and it's pretty much all indirect but in my heart- he's piercing me with such a vengence I can't stand to go back. Like he's the man on top of the world and I'm the dirty low life peasant. I can't compete with him! No way. It's impossible. If there was one spot left and heaven and it was down to me or the pastor who do you think would win? I would say pastor right off but behind the curtain people do a lot of nasty shit.
JUST THE BITS
Well. We had a food fight at school everyone knows about that which was fun THE FIRST TIME but when the freshman did it it was like man what the hell are you thinking?! Are you thick or something? I mean really grow some balls and think of something original.
SITUATION NUMBER 1
While I was out of the online world, a incident with a friend totally socked and confused me. I'm not going to tell you who it is, and what happened but, when I found out I was just totally shocked and mostly hurt. When I first found out I brushed it off, but on the inside- damn. Words can just not explain. I had another friend in the same place last year and I just don't want to go through that and have those feelings again y'know? It just scares the shit out of me to know there's a chance your friend could die and there's nothing you could do about it.
So I guess my defense mechanism was to push them away. If they weren't my friend and they did go through with their intentions it wouldn't hurt me as much would it? Stpud logic but for whatever reason I listened and gave the cold shoulder to them when they probally needed me the most. Am I sick for caring about my personal welfare or am I just scared to see someone close to me get hurt again? I don't know what to do, I mean I'm stuck under here and I'm drowning.
SITUATION 2
Okay so I have a friend right and I mean we're close as can be but when I get around them I just start to act like a jackass to everyone and afterwards I'm like what the hell was I thinking? How stupid and immature was that?! I mean sure, we have our serious moments but when all of us get together we just turn into these crazed idiots who seriously need Ridalin.
There's this one girl though. This one girl that was always pick on and make fun of. How shallow am I? How can I sit here and say "oh that's not right yada yada" when I'm just doing the same thing right after? At first I'm all like oh it's not that bad we're just playing and she'll get over it, but when I stop to think would I like that if that was me? Would I like if someone put pencil shavings in my hair? Would I like it if someone just went out of their way to fuck with me? Would I like it if someone just wouldn't give me a break and let me be? Hell no I wouldn't like it. I'd probally end up like my friend in SITUATION 1. I'm a jackass and I know it. Now what do I do now to fix it?
SITUATION 3
So I finally started going back to church. I don't know what's been keeping me from there for the past month or so. I guess it's the fact that my conscience is so weighted with faults I just couldn't bear the fact of someone else judging me also. I know some people don't think that that's the issue in church but when I walk into like a church church, not a youth church but a church church I suddenly feel like everyone's just poking fun at me and calling out on me. "You're going to hell you're going to hell" like there's no way to turn back now and become a good person. It's all over for me.
When the pastor talks it always feels like he's raggin' right down on you, and personally yeah I know that he's talking to everybody in there and it's pretty much all indirect but in my heart- he's piercing me with such a vengence I can't stand to go back. Like he's the man on top of the world and I'm the dirty low life peasant. I can't compete with him! No way. It's impossible. If there was one spot left and heaven and it was down to me or the pastor who do you think would win? I would say pastor right off but behind the curtain people do a lot of nasty shit.
JUST THE BITS
Well. We had a food fight at school everyone knows about that which was fun THE FIRST TIME but when the freshman did it it was like man what the hell are you thinking?! Are you thick or something? I mean really grow some balls and think of something original.