This conversation's been dead on arrival
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Last night was rough. I was really emotional and I cannot fully express why. Part of that is because I cannot recognize the full extent of my troubles and admit them. The other part is that I feel I have talked my problems to death. Talking about them has not resolved them. So what is the point?
I want to say something poignant. But does not everyone want that?
All I can offer are my thoughts, poignant or not. And now I lay them out for you.
To state my main cause of grief is what was upsetting me last night is not true. I realize there is more. Last night something merely triggered this conversation and that was the catalyst to my disdain. At any rate, Justin and I discussed love more thoroughly last night on the phone. I am completely disillusioned that he does not love me. He has actually told me before point blank that he does not. And for some reason I was pondering that last night and it became to really eat at me. Over 7 months together and he does not love me. And it made me think: why do we love?
At the most basic level we love because of happiness or enjoyment. If someone or something brings ‘goodness’ into your life, you love that person or item or event. You love something because it brings you happiness. Love is that simple to me. There are huge grandeur ideas associated with love (as there should be). But the emotion is really honestly very simple and pure. It does not need to be made into something more complicated.
I bring happiness into his life. I know this is a fact. And I have always believed that in Justin’s own way he loves me. I have always thought that he just is afraid to express it verbally. But when he says point blank that he does not love me…what else can I derive from that statement. And we discussed this last night. He apologized for the statements about not loving me. He said that was unfair. He said that maybe I am right…maybe he is just afraid of the verbalization. He explained that he shows that emotion through actions. Which is true because Justin does more for me than anyone ever has or quite possibly ever will. That is his nature. But I explained to him that I need more. I am not sure if it is a universal truth or simply a girl thing. Most likely it is just a Kelly thing. But I told his I need both. Having someone that verbally expresses love all the time without showing it leaves a void in the life of the person that loves them in return. He understood this and I explained to him that it works the same in reverse situations. If you act but never speak, that can result in such a void as well.
He honestly, I feel, understood everything. He told me he understood he possibly neglected to maintain that balance and he would change that in the future. He also made a statement that really hit me. Justin mentioned that he thought we had a strong relationship. He said he felt we were at a point were no serious decision would ever be made in the heat of passion. It would take a distinct effort for one of us to leave the other. It would have to be over something serious and well thought out. It would have to be only when there was no hope.
So is there hope? Of course. Lots of it. I have this amazing relationship with someone I love. It has holes. And I have been so quick to try to find some excuse to not make the effort of repairing it. But the truth is: I want this to work. I want Justin to love me and for us to always be happy together. I see easy ways out. But honestly, if I were to take them I am not sure how happy I would be. I could live without Justin. I could even find someone that I love and am happy with. But I feel I would always wonder what would have happened if I had stood by him and given the relationship a serious chance.
To get into something that only maybe three people reading know about now… I feel as if I am playing two games. I want them both to work out. I know that is not fair nor possible. Most importantly of the two it is not fair. Sometimes things in life escalade to a point where you keep them going just to keep up. I suppose I am submissive when I feel I might hurt someone. If I see hope in a situation or relationship I keep it going. What happens is either it works out wonderfully or it does not. The risk is it not working out and that person being hurt. Loving someone is hard. As great as love is, there is always that constant pressure of not wanting to hurt them. In the ideal situation that worry is not there. In my situation I am being pulled in two directions. Eventually it will work itself out and this will all be over. But in the meantime it is difficult beyond reasonable comprehension.
Rather than making some decision about what to do I have just waited. I know at some point it will come down to the moment where I must do it. But right now I am not going. It is going to keep going. And honestly, I know what will happen. I know the odds of one relationship working out versus the other relationship working out. I know the smart choice and the optimistic choice. I know I am being impulsive and irresponsible. But I am not going to do anything about it. At least not now. It will work out on it’s own. I would rather avoid the stress as long as humanly possible. Is that so bad?
This was way too long. And honestly, I could go on and on and on. But I’m not going to. I know that no one (besides me) reads long blog entries. So I am sorry. I will post a more fun (less serious) public update soon. I promise.
Have a nice day.
Last night was rough. I was really emotional and I cannot fully express why. Part of that is because I cannot recognize the full extent of my troubles and admit them. The other part is that I feel I have talked my problems to death. Talking about them has not resolved them. So what is the point?
I want to say something poignant. But does not everyone want that?
All I can offer are my thoughts, poignant or not. And now I lay them out for you.
To state my main cause of grief is what was upsetting me last night is not true. I realize there is more. Last night something merely triggered this conversation and that was the catalyst to my disdain. At any rate, Justin and I discussed love more thoroughly last night on the phone. I am completely disillusioned that he does not love me. He has actually told me before point blank that he does not. And for some reason I was pondering that last night and it became to really eat at me. Over 7 months together and he does not love me. And it made me think: why do we love?
At the most basic level we love because of happiness or enjoyment. If someone or something brings ‘goodness’ into your life, you love that person or item or event. You love something because it brings you happiness. Love is that simple to me. There are huge grandeur ideas associated with love (as there should be). But the emotion is really honestly very simple and pure. It does not need to be made into something more complicated.
I bring happiness into his life. I know this is a fact. And I have always believed that in Justin’s own way he loves me. I have always thought that he just is afraid to express it verbally. But when he says point blank that he does not love me…what else can I derive from that statement. And we discussed this last night. He apologized for the statements about not loving me. He said that was unfair. He said that maybe I am right…maybe he is just afraid of the verbalization. He explained that he shows that emotion through actions. Which is true because Justin does more for me than anyone ever has or quite possibly ever will. That is his nature. But I explained to him that I need more. I am not sure if it is a universal truth or simply a girl thing. Most likely it is just a Kelly thing. But I told his I need both. Having someone that verbally expresses love all the time without showing it leaves a void in the life of the person that loves them in return. He understood this and I explained to him that it works the same in reverse situations. If you act but never speak, that can result in such a void as well.
He honestly, I feel, understood everything. He told me he understood he possibly neglected to maintain that balance and he would change that in the future. He also made a statement that really hit me. Justin mentioned that he thought we had a strong relationship. He said he felt we were at a point were no serious decision would ever be made in the heat of passion. It would take a distinct effort for one of us to leave the other. It would have to be over something serious and well thought out. It would have to be only when there was no hope.
So is there hope? Of course. Lots of it. I have this amazing relationship with someone I love. It has holes. And I have been so quick to try to find some excuse to not make the effort of repairing it. But the truth is: I want this to work. I want Justin to love me and for us to always be happy together. I see easy ways out. But honestly, if I were to take them I am not sure how happy I would be. I could live without Justin. I could even find someone that I love and am happy with. But I feel I would always wonder what would have happened if I had stood by him and given the relationship a serious chance.
To get into something that only maybe three people reading know about now… I feel as if I am playing two games. I want them both to work out. I know that is not fair nor possible. Most importantly of the two it is not fair. Sometimes things in life escalade to a point where you keep them going just to keep up. I suppose I am submissive when I feel I might hurt someone. If I see hope in a situation or relationship I keep it going. What happens is either it works out wonderfully or it does not. The risk is it not working out and that person being hurt. Loving someone is hard. As great as love is, there is always that constant pressure of not wanting to hurt them. In the ideal situation that worry is not there. In my situation I am being pulled in two directions. Eventually it will work itself out and this will all be over. But in the meantime it is difficult beyond reasonable comprehension.
Rather than making some decision about what to do I have just waited. I know at some point it will come down to the moment where I must do it. But right now I am not going. It is going to keep going. And honestly, I know what will happen. I know the odds of one relationship working out versus the other relationship working out. I know the smart choice and the optimistic choice. I know I am being impulsive and irresponsible. But I am not going to do anything about it. At least not now. It will work out on it’s own. I would rather avoid the stress as long as humanly possible. Is that so bad?
This was way too long. And honestly, I could go on and on and on. But I’m not going to. I know that no one (besides me) reads long blog entries. So I am sorry. I will post a more fun (less serious) public update soon. I promise.
Have a nice day.