All My Loving
Okay, it's getting good now. If you missed it, here's the last post.
Ready for some laughs, chills, spills, and don't forget the DRAMA?
Alright, let's go.
Part 14: The End...?
"Where do you think John went, Jaymie?" Paul said in slight confusion.
"I have...no idea", I said.
John had just left the flat when Paul and I arrived back from the restaurant. I had no idea where he could be. He was probably mad I had to leave him to go to dinner.
"Did you guys get into an argument before or something?" Paul said.
"No. I did not do anything, or say anything. Maybe his flat is ready...he probably wanted to settle in quickly or something", I replied.
"Maybe. But you'd think he'd say goodbye for Pete's sake, eh?"
"Yeah, well, you know John can be difficult sometimes."
"It does not seem like him though. I mean you were last with him. He treats you like a princess. He must have left a note or something. I thought things were better between you?" Paul went off to search for a note around the room. When Paul said 'princess' I immediately thought of the night before, when we said goodnight to each other. It's always little words like that, which remind me of John so much.
"They are...I seriously have no clue where he could be, Paul!"
"Calm down, do not worry. He'll be safe." Paul gave me a hug for re-assurance. "Let me go check on John's room. Maybe he left something there."
Paul went to peek in, and saw my bra in that room. I had completely forgotten about it. I saw him pick it up. Evidence. Not a good thing, in this case at least. I was in such a rush; I forgot to examine the room before I left to make sure any evidence was gone. But why had John left it there?
"Jay." Paul paused in great concern. "Why is your bra in his room?" I felt my heart drop to the floor.
"Oh, well, I wanted to change before dinner. I must have left it there by accident. I meant to put it in my drawer in our bedroom. But do you not remember we fooled around in there early this morning? It's probably from then", I said laughing. "I bet you don’t remember."
"No, no I do not. Are you sure about that?"
"I'm just that good, I guess."
"Oh yes. I must agree with that", Paul said giggling, in a deep, manly voice.
I grabbed Paul and kissed him to make him forget about the bra 'situation', and John. We went into our bedroom and had some final alone time.
A few days later, Paul and I woke up quite late, about 11:30; which for us was quite rare. It was a nice, beautiful sunny morning. We ate eggs for breakfast, and a cup of coffee. I looked out the window staring down at the street, still thinking of where John could be. It was the same window I looked out of the night of the dinner party. I felt like when I needed John, I would always look out of that window.
"What are we going to do today, hun?" Paul said, all giddy.
"What do you want to do? How about going to the country side? We can have a picnic! Sit by the lake, relax."
"Sounds lovely. We need some you and me time. Feels like we haven’t had that in a long time."
"I know. It's just been...busy lately, to say the least, I guess."
We continued to eat our breakfast, chatting about the usual stuff. Hearing girls yelling from the ground was part of the usual morning routine. Paul and the others were about to record another album very soon, a couple of days in fact, so we talked about that. He even showed me a few songs he'd written. One about me, which was beautiful.
We finished eating several minutes later. Paul left the kitchen to go get dressed and washed in our room. I decided to go get the mail. I told Paul, left the flat and went down to the lobby to get the mail. I found a letter in there, the only letter in the mail, in fact. It had my name on it. I opened it up. It read:
Jaymie,
I'm sorry I left. After you were gone, I felt so empty without you. So I fled. I think it was time for me to leave. What we did before was amazing. Kissing you is all I want to do with you forever and ever and ever. But I cannot let you disappoint Paul in the end. I'm not mad at you; I just think it's time for me to go. I think you are amazing, and you are one of my true friends. I will never forget that. Paul is a good friend of mine, too and I do not want to see him get hurt. You deserve a man like him. I'm no good for you. I am not in a good place right now, and maybe for me to move on, we need to be just friends. You need a good life, and I see you need a good man, a good family for yourself in the future, perhaps. It will be the best for the both of us. I'm going to stay at a friend's for the night, and move into my place the next day. Drop by if you want to say hi. I'm always there for you, when you need me. I'm so sorry. It just has to be like this. If you truly want to be with me, and that means forever, like we said, it has to be for sure. No letting go of me. I need all of you. I hope to see you soon.
Please do not be mad at me. I love you, my princess.
-John
xxxx ♥
I started to tear, as was a reoccurring process since the dinner party. What was I to do? Spend a lifetime with John or Paul? How could I choose? I love them both. But being with John makes me feel like myself. When I'm with Paul, I'm envied. I'm yelled at. I feel like a trophy wife. With John, I do not have to fit a mould. I can be who I want to be. But Paul also brings a different side of me. One who wants long-term love, a family, a stable life. What's a girl to do?
Part 15: You Really Got A Hold On Me
“Well, they’ve gone,” I said aloud, although no one else was home. George had gone to do some tape loops or something, I should pay more attention to what he says I guess, John had gone to move some things into his new flat, and I had a rare day off. Actually, a boss of a boss [who we rarely have contact with] decided that this was the month to fumigate and so today was our branch’s lucky day. But being alone isn’t all that bad and hopefully they wouldn’t be gone all day.
I fixed a bowl of cornflakes and sat down to watch television but there was really nothing to watch, so I switched off the set and finished my cereal. The house was very quiet. I must admit that unnerved me for a bit; the eerie silence of the place, broken only by my periodic crunching noises. Archie had sat there with me for awhile, but he soon ran off to have a nap. I was left alone with my thoughts, which probably was the last place I needed to be.
Suddenly, the phone rang and I jumped a bit. Laughing at my foolishness, I got up and answered it. It was the doctor’s office.
I had gone to see a new doctor, from that book Jaymie loaned me. I was a bit sceptical but they said they had all the latest technology and whatnot, and they’d let me know. Wouldn’t you know even they, who were supposed to be the best, couldn’t tell right away.
I put down the receiver and luckily was near a chair, into which I immediately fell. When I half recovered from the initial shock, I huddled myself up and couldn’t keep from crying.
I felt a hand on my shoulder; it couldn’t have been but maybe an hour since they’d left, it seemed like a short time anyway. So once again, the last person I expected to see was John. I guess my crying had muffled his entrance.
“Anna? Are you alright? What’s the matter, love?”
I looked up at him and tried to speak, but couldn’t and started weeping once again.
“Please...please, don’t cry. I can’t...you know I can’t take it, please,” he begged, crouching down beside the chair. I instinctively threw my arms around him. I needed to feel safe, protected; I needed someone to tell me everything would be okay. I don’t know why I felt this way with John, but I did. I feel like he’d do whatever he could to keep the world away, if I’d wanted.
“Oh, John. It’s awful. I mean, it’s not awful, but it is. It’s just, I shouldn’t be so sad but I am and I guess it’s what I’d wanted but it wasn’t really and I...I’m just...so...sorry,” I said, between sobs. I felt his arms wrap around me, holding me close, trying his best to comfort me.
“Shh, don’t cry. It’ll all be alright,” he said soothingly as he somehow managed to move me around so he could sit in the chair, and I on his lap, still clinging to him, as if for dear life.
I finally managed to calm down and lifted my head up to look at him.
“Are you all cried out now?” he asked with a little smile. I nodded even though I wasn’t very sure of myself. “Good. Now, can I ask what all this is about exactly?”
“I...I got a phone call from the...from the doctor,” I began but was unsure how exactly to say the next part.
“What did he say?” he prompted.
“They said they had run all the tests and...that they were sure that...that I was pregnant.”
“Oh. Well, that’s not all that bad though, is it? George seems happy enough. And you remember, that I’m here if you need anything,” he said brushing a piece of hair behind my ear. I think it may have been one of the most inopportune times I’ve ever wanted to kiss him. I fought both this emotion and the tears that were trying to well up once again.
“No, now, don’t cry. If you start crying again, then I will and that’s the last thing you want to see.”
“I haven’t...I haven’t finished. The doctor...they said that that I was pregnant.”
“So...you’re not now?” he asked hesitantly. I shook my head.
“How...how did that happen?”
“They said I had some sort of hormonal imbalance or something, they used a lot of technical terms. It boils down to I was under so much stress between worrying about the baby and George finding out about us and you leaving or Jaymie stealing you away and...” I stopped, realizing what I’d said.
“So it’s basically my fault?” he asked. I couldn’t help but think he sounded annoyed, either with me or with himself.
“No, no, John, of course it’s not. I don’t know what made me say that, I’m sorry. I’m not myself right now.” He sat there, not saying a word. I debated on whether I should be afraid, but with John, I hardly could. After a moment or two, he spoke.
“Why did you say you were sorry before?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, before when you were sobbing all over and threw your arms around my neck, the last thing you said was, ‘I’m sorry.’ What was that for?”
“Oh...I didn’t get to that part. I...they said they could tell me what the due date would have been. I don’t know why I asked, but I did.”
“I don’t see the connection.”
“John, it was your baby. I’d be willing to bet on that, and you know I don’t gamble.”
Except with my love life, I’d wanted to add. I had a feeling that’s what he was thinking. Of course, there was no way to know what John was thinking. He may have stopped listening all together.
After a minute’s silence that seemed like an eternity, I moved to get up but he held me there. “Don’t go yet. I still don’t get it. It’s better for everyone this way. You and George can try to have more kids, you don’t have to worry about him finding out about us, you’re not ‘burdening me with a responsibility’ or whatever it is they say. So why...why are you sorry?”
“John, I love you. No matter what comes and goes in my life, I have a feeling I always will. Yes, I know I’m married to George, and yes I love him too. But what we have is so different from what he and I have. It’s like...I don’t even know how to describe it. That’s what it is, it’s like magic. You can’t really describe it but you know when it’s there and when it’s real. Does that sound horribly cheesy? I’m sorry if it does.”
“That was beautiful, but you’ve managed once again, my dear, to avoid the question.”
“Oh,” I laughed, “You remember, when you and George and I were all sitting around and he was so excited to tell you about the baby; and you said all those wonderful things about being a dad, and how much that meant to a guy; how much it meant to you? I thought about all those things you said, and I thought, well, I could give him that back. I could let you be the dad you weren’t going to get to be, and that gave me one of the greatest feelings of all. That I could make you that much happier, or give you that much more to look forward to. I thought...I don’t know. I just...I thought it could make you happy and that’s all I really wanted. So I was...I am sorry that I can’t do that now.”
A tiny smile began slowly spread across his face; he pulled me in for a kiss. Sometime later we pulled away from each other and looked up to find George standing in the doorway.
“John, I will give you three seconds to get the hell out of my house and they’re up.”
Part 16: I'm Looking Through You
"Are you alright Jaymie?" What have you got there in your hands?" Paul asked as I came back into the kitchen. I wiped the tears from my face as fast as I could.
"Nothing, Paul, I got a letter from John in the mail. He says he wanted to get an early start on his new place and felt he had overstayed his welcome," I said, lying through my teeth.
"Oh, alright. Well, at least he said something. Shall we get a move on?"
Because John offered me a lifetime with him, I could either visit him today or wait. I think he intended for me to visit him as soon as possible to make a decision. But I wanted to spend a day with Paul.
"Yeah sure, do you mind cleaning up the kitchen and packing some food? I'll go get ready", I said to Paul.
He nodded and I went to get dressed.
I decided to go with Paul; John said he'd always be there for me when I needed him most. I thought to spend a day with Paul, just us alone, will test out our relationship, to see who is the true man for me. As I finished getting ready, Paul had packed lots of great food and a blanket. We got our stuff together and headed outside to the car.
The drive to the outskirts of London was amazing. The scenery was just gorgeous; going from tall buildings side by side, to small houses miles apart. During the car ride, Paul and I chatted quite a lot. Just about random things. Whatever popped into our heads.
About forty-five minutes later, we arrive at the lake. We parked the car, got the food and prepared the picnic. The weather was perfect- sunny and surprisingly warm. When everything was finally set up, we sat down and ate our lunch. As we looked on, the lake was glistening and we could hear ever sounds nature made.
"I just love being here; it's so perfect", Paul quipped, while munching on his sandwich.
"Me too, I'm glad we came down here", I replied with a smile.
"As do I", Paul replied. There was a moment of silence, and Paul continued, "I know we have not had much time to spend together lately. I just wanted to say that I really love you and I hope you know that you mean the world to me, really."
To hear those words Paul was saying truly broke my heart. I loved him dearly, but I kept thinking of John. Who could I possibly choose?
"I love you, too, Paul. So much. I'm so happy we're together." I kneeled over to Paul and gave him a kiss.
"You're so special to me...I really look forward to our future. I know I'll be busy in the studio very soon, and if I get too crazed, I'll always love you no matter what happens."
Everything Paul said seemed to be so pre-planned. But I still adored every word he said.
"I know you will", I replied. Another moment of silence broke out.
"You know I was thinking", Paul said. "What do you think about moving into a bigger home? You know, more outside the city?"
Move away from John-now? I couldn't!
"Right this moment? Paul, I'm happy where we are."
"I do not mean this second, but in the next few months...weeks, maybe. Look at a few places. I think since we will be starting a bigger family soon and everything, it will be a good investment."
Family!?
"When did we talk about this? Family. I told you before we got married that I wanted some you and me time. You want it know. What's with the family talk? And moving? I just love it being you and me!” I said, trying to be stern, so Paul would listen to me.
He was getting into his 'mood'; the one where he'd always attempt to get his way even though he knows your feelings about something. With Paul, I always felt like I had to fit a mould. He loves family so much; he wants it as soon as possible. I knew coming into the marriage I had to be the housewife, typical mum. But I made a huge risk. But Pau loved me because I did not want all that. But he kept forcing it on me-to be this certain type of person. I know he somehow hated the fact I was not crazy about families and having the "perfect, well rounded life". I love kids and all, but I don't want any now. Or moving at all. I wanted at least a year or more with Paul just alone. With John, I could be anyone. I could not move away from John now especially. I feel I will lose him forever. He'll forget about me. And plus, seeing me moving farther away, and into a bigger house with Paul means that I'm still committed to him.
"We'll talk about this later", Paul replied in a strict way, which made me seem nervous. Did I want to spend my life like this? Was the risk I made marrying Paul too dangerous? Had I made a mistake? I had a feeling I did...
The rest of lunch was awkward to say the least. We sat by the lake, took a boat ride. It was around 4:00 when we decided to leave. The car ride home was nothing special. I kept thinking of John constantly, and the decision I had to make.
I seriously was considering leaving Paul. But what would people think of me as? A joke, I bet. I wanted John more. But I think I needed Paul more. As John said, Paul would be a more stable guy for me.
"You look so sad, Jaymie. What's wrong, luv?” Paul asked, out of the blue. He always knew I was thinking of something bad when I was oddly quiet.
"You, Paul. Seriously, why did you have to come on so hard, eh? What's the matter with you suddenly? You come on too strong. I thought you knew how I felt about our plans for the future! I don’t want any plans. Let's see where the wind blows. I hate when you go ahead and plan our life together, and it makes me upset that you automatically think I'll accept it!" I said.
"I'm, I'm sor-"
"And family- now! Paul come on! You know what I am! I thought you knew about my feelings on family. I don't want for a while."
"But when is it going to be? Now, tomorrow, months from now, years?"
"I don't know...who's counting! Stop trying to compete! Slow down and let life just take its course! I thought you knew me, you clearly don't."
"What, we're done know? Jay, I knew you since you were 14! I pretty well know who you are. I love you because you're different from all those others birds I used to date. All pretentious and all. You're so amazing and unique compared to those other brats. When you were with John, you acted so...yourself, so free. I wanted that; a woman with an independent spirit, who knows what she wants. You clearly do. I needed that."
"So why all the pressure? Stop forcing your wants on me. I know where you are coming from, but marriage is all compromise, for God's sake! I am out of a job now, you are practically the most famous person on the planet at the moment and you have to understand me too! I listen to you blab on and on about your fucking band, and your fucking songs! I chip in on equipment for you all the time! Please Paul, stop acting this way."
"But if I love you for being you, why can't you love me for me?"
I paused. Paul was right. Why couldn't I accept him? Why did I in the first place? Do I actually know him at all?
"I don't know. I guess maybe this has to end," I said.
I paused again.
"I love you so much. Every word I said during lunch was true. But when you're with me, you are different than with other girls. Remember who you're with. Me. You said you thought I was the one for you. Stop forcing your proud ways on me, like how you act with others. Don't get other outside influences into your head. That's how you are. So pushy. We really need some work, you and me. Marriage is a waste. It's a machine that destroys two people's feelings for each other!" I screamed in anger.
"I cannot change completely for one person, Jaymie. And wow, wow I cannot believe you just said that. Why the fuck are you here then!" You're such a liar!" Paul shouted, almost breaking the glass windows.
"I do not fucking know Paul!" I shouted back at him.
Five minutes later we arrived at home. I got out of the car first, ran up the stairs to our flat. Paul ran after me. I had left the door open, out of forgetting, as I was in so much rage. I grabbed a bag and got some clothes together. Paul shut the door behind him.
"I'm leaving Paul.”
“No, you are not. You are not leaving here."
"Let me out the door. Let me out!" I cried. "I hate you! I hate you!”
Paul slapped me. I stood in shock. Staring Paul in the eyes, like a deer in headlights, shocked at what just happened. He'd never laid a hand on me ever.
I said, quietly and calmly, "Move away from the door."
I had a bag in hand with a couple things. I left the flat. I ran down the stairs with blood dripping from my top lip. Where was I to go?
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Well, that was unexpected turn of events on both counts, no?
Stay tuned! =D
Love,
Anna