(no subject)
im just so over stuff right now.
i know there are a million people that im supposed to call, a million things im supposed to do, but i just dont want to do it. im so over it. im so tired of the pattern of leaving school, going back home, working my ass off, going back to school, but then im done, and what the hell am i gonna do? culinary school? do i even WANT that anymore? to me lately its just been looking like, woohoo, MORE school to pay for. i just wanna almost find a job after college and hope to be miserable.
i feel like nothing in life will ever fulfill me. i dont think ive ever been fully satisfied with anything. there is one thing that keeps me happy all the time, but i cant promise that i will always have that, as much as i want to.
i have no one that i can fully sob to or let things out to. i feel like i always have to be the strong one for everyone i know. and that gets old after a while. im going to be 21 years old in a couple weeks, and what do i have to show for it? ive worked since i was 14, never done anything tremendous or daring, cant even find what i want to do or what i want out of myself. anything i think i want to try to attempt im worried i will get tired of and be left unfulfilled, which usually happens. i think i have some idea of what i want after college, but i cant promise that that will happen. i cant promise any of that to myself right now. i hate not knowing whats going to happen. i feel super alone right now and its just annoying. jon left two days ago, maybe thats partially why. im just so jealous of him. im so jealous that he can go home and feel completely happy and fulfilled with LA. i can see him being there forever. but i cant see myself anywhere. i feel like ill be this constant nomad for the rest of my life, just wandering around and completely empty and bored out of my mind. work is something that ive always been good at, even put it before school. work is something that i have always put more effort into than anything else, so maybe i should just be some numb executive, i think id be really good at that.
god the one happiness that is a constant, i cant have assured forever. so when will i find out to be content with, everything else?
i know there are a million people that im supposed to call, a million things im supposed to do, but i just dont want to do it. im so over it. im so tired of the pattern of leaving school, going back home, working my ass off, going back to school, but then im done, and what the hell am i gonna do? culinary school? do i even WANT that anymore? to me lately its just been looking like, woohoo, MORE school to pay for. i just wanna almost find a job after college and hope to be miserable.
i feel like nothing in life will ever fulfill me. i dont think ive ever been fully satisfied with anything. there is one thing that keeps me happy all the time, but i cant promise that i will always have that, as much as i want to.
i have no one that i can fully sob to or let things out to. i feel like i always have to be the strong one for everyone i know. and that gets old after a while. im going to be 21 years old in a couple weeks, and what do i have to show for it? ive worked since i was 14, never done anything tremendous or daring, cant even find what i want to do or what i want out of myself. anything i think i want to try to attempt im worried i will get tired of and be left unfulfilled, which usually happens. i think i have some idea of what i want after college, but i cant promise that that will happen. i cant promise any of that to myself right now. i hate not knowing whats going to happen. i feel super alone right now and its just annoying. jon left two days ago, maybe thats partially why. im just so jealous of him. im so jealous that he can go home and feel completely happy and fulfilled with LA. i can see him being there forever. but i cant see myself anywhere. i feel like ill be this constant nomad for the rest of my life, just wandering around and completely empty and bored out of my mind. work is something that ive always been good at, even put it before school. work is something that i have always put more effort into than anything else, so maybe i should just be some numb executive, i think id be really good at that.
god the one happiness that is a constant, i cant have assured forever. so when will i find out to be content with, everything else?